Happy birthday to me

Today is my birthday. Nothing different, nor new, just a block on the calendar waiting to be crossed off. Not with a pencil, but with a permanent marker. A reminder that it is gone. Cannot be erased and changed. As I draw near the end of of yet another year I think about the events and what I have done with time I have been allowed to have. I think with regret over wrong decisions and uneventful months that I have given a portion of my life to. Time, minutes seconds days weeks months that cannot be taken back. Bought or relived. I want this next year to be one full of giving full of memories that I relive in my mind for years to come. I want someone to think of their time with me in fondness. To envy the year wanting to make it last. I will engage this year and embrace every opportunity that comes my way. I will take chances without over thinking. I will overcome obstacles and leave them a stronger me. For this is my life. I will live it.

Red light

They ask me if I miss you more around the holidays.i tell them there’s never a moment I stop missing you. I promised you til my last breath was taken and looking back I never knew it would be cut short. You left my life early. At 33, you had so much to look forward to. A life tragically ended. I have accepted the fact that 14 years is all I have of you but there are times when I feel like I died with you. I do not know what to do now. I’m scared of the unknown. To love and lose. It has crippled my heart and my life along with it. I’m stuck at a red light and it won’t change. Always watching people move on with their lives and laugh and I am angry at myself for not knowing how to be. How to find myself after being a part of you for so many years. I have tried but end up hurting people because I get scared when emotions run deep. Afraid of giving my heart again. It’s a lonely world when you put yourself in a bubble. I have expectations of myself I cannot meet. Train of thoughts that bind me. And an emptiness that completely drains my soul.

Split

Who do you want to see?
What do you want me to say?
Do you want the person I really am?
Or the one I pretend by day?

The one who wears a smile
And pretends everything’s alright
Who listens to your problems
And tells you it all will be just fine

I’ll never let them see the me that I keep lock inside.
Nor enter in my world where only darkness can reside
There’s no door for you to enter no windows to peek through
Only words of thoughts and feelings that I feel able to share with you.

People who I’ve never met can hear me without judge
If no one ever reads my words at least I got them out.
This right here, emotions in words, lets me open up a bit
give insight to the conscience that is fading out

Day after christmas

Take the tree down
Turn off the lights
Ignore your phone calls
Not two times but thrice.

Painting the walls red remind me of the blood
That use to run out whenever I’d cut
I almost forgot, I almost smiled
I almost picked up the phone and dialed.

I quickly pushed end and turned off the phone
And went back to my life being alone
Cleaned my house top to bottom now there’s not much else to do
I guess ill get my art supplies out and pass a moment or two.

Picked up my charcoals
Sketched down your face
Lit a match on the corner
Watched it slowly erase.

Me and one of the kids I nanny 🙂

Christmas Eve

It’s rainy on her empty heart
Shes speaking words youll never hear
At least no one can see
Shes really all alone
And it doesn’t matter now to know
The words shell never speak
Keep them locked in a safe
Far below where you’ll ever go
Shes writing it down in a book with tattered edges
But tonight it gonna burn
Forget about the girl with blue in her eyes
For everything she loves,, dies
She gave it her best but it wasn’t enough
She gave it her all til she finally gave up
So have fun at your parties have fun with your friends
Drink on your margaritas she’s downing whiskey instead
And forgetting everything is what she’s gonna do
But there’s never enough whiskey to make her forget you

Aces beat kings

How come hello is always wonderful
The nervous eye contact
You can steal my heart with a word
Pull me into your world,, attract
Then kill me with goodbye
Break me into pieces
Leave me in a hole
I was playing kings and you,, aces
Memories I just can’t seem to shake
Remembering your smile
Remembering your taste
It throws me into total exile
With everything inside of me
With every breath I breathe
Ill cherish every memory
Shared between you and me
I hope your happy
Hope you sleep at night
I have my tears for company
So I guess ill be alright
Only 4 in 91 hours I’ve slept
Only chaotic noise in my head
Seeing your face everywhere I look
The way you stole my heart you must be a crook
I’m at the end of my rope I’m barely hanging on
“One Last Breath” is my life in a song

One last breath by creed:
Please, come now, I think I’m falling
I’m holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say, Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet Ain’t so far down

Listening to you speak

I read what you write
Shed tears for you, you’ll never see
Wishing I could heal your heartache
Break your bonds and set you free.
You feel so all alone
Wonder if there’s anyone that cares
Your pain is very visible
You cannot hide it from their stares
Every word, every letter, every emotion that you pen
Opens up a wound to fester
Though your trying to repair
It helps so much to get it out
Clear your mind from every doubt
Just know I hear you when you spout
When you whisper when you shout
I absorb all your writings
Down to the very last lines
I understand what your feeling
I feel it all the time
I anticipate to see what thoughts you’ll share with me today
I wonder what is on your mind when in bed I lay
It’s a wonder you don’t know that your light it shines so bright
Lightens up a darkened soul
Like a star on a winters night

Prisoner of the night

I’m still here I’m still breathing
Barely notice the thoughts still teasing
Trying to peel another layer of my skin
Just to help the bitter poison sink in
Waiting watching the time just passing
Like there’s somebody I’m expecting
Truly is a hoax the thing I know about the most
Give me a glass I wanna make another toast
Here’s to the bad times
Here’s to the sad times
Times in my life when I didn’t give a damn times
Here’s to the past always has to be rehashed
Prisoner of the night but I’m not gonna let it last

I almost had you I could almost see
You were healing my heart but I couldn’t let it be
Forgot how to love forgot how to trust
Forgot how good being in your arms was
Now I’ve lost you I let you go
Now that your gone please say it isn’t so
Now I’m reaping all the demons I’ve sown
I’m lonely tonight if only I’d known

Being in your arms is where I wanna stay
Being in your heart I don’t want it any other way
Break these chains I wanna be set free
Break down these walls bring me back to me

Thanks for the times the good and the bad
Thanks for the nights you fell asleep in my bed
Thanks for the courage when i was scared
Thanks for holding me down when I was despaired
I didn’t mean to hurt you didn’t want to make you cry
Didn’t want to keep you down had to let you go to fly
So I guess this is it the end of our song
Something i knew was bound to happen all along

Five minutes to write

I am letting go. I want to experience life in all it’s ups and downs, it’s tragic moments and its sweet rewards. I want to taste death on my lips and kiss it. Hold onto every memory and never forget. I will find my freedom from every regret that lures over me making me a prisoner to that which cannot be erased. I will fear nothing and fight the demons which haunt me in my dreams. I have walked through hell and came out un-singe, empowered to not fear the reaper. Death does not taunt me for I have experienced it through another’s eyes. I just want completeness and I can face tomorrow. You are out there somewhere. I will find you. You are looking for me to even though you do not realize how empty you are without me. But it is the difference between night and day. And I will show you beauty in a smile, love in a touch, comfort in an embrace. And life will be good.

Mind wondering moment

I don’t want what I can’t have. I’ve already held tightly onto all I could want and have had to watch it all quickly slip away from me. I can feel it something amazing, wonderful, terrible, just out of my grasp.i dream constantly about it. By the way, I do dream.on the brink of something that never comes.i either want it or be free of it.to push life’s fast forward button to the time when this is the past and I am happy again.