Bad Dreams Scary Terrors

Bad dreams,, screaming terror, when will itever be over? The darkness compasses me and grips my soul. I’ll never let go. I know the sun is shining but in my world I’m lost in a hole. Only shadows of a life long gone keep me alive. I cannot forget I cannot take one more step. All I can do is lay here and wait for death to come. Death does not scare me I beg for it but it does not hear me. Maybe if I was to bleed a little quicker maybe if I was to cut a little deeper. I would find my eternal rest. Peace is something that eludes me. It is not a word that has any meaning. Just a nice thought for those who can forget who can leave behind their soul and continue in a mindless state of utopia where there is no hurting. I hurt I suffer I am in a living hell every single breath I take it just keeps going, it won’t stop so I carry on in this nightmare wishing for a way to put out this life. Like a burning match everything has an ending. Except for me who has been cursed to live a life of emptiness where nothing matters anymore. Cursed to put on a smile and pretend to be someone I’m not. Forced to continue when I don’t want to. But someday I won’t be able to live this charade anymore and then I’ll be gone. That day is coming and that is what I am waiting for,,, forever waiting.living a charade that you would believe to be real. I’ve learned how to be an actor.what more can I do? What is left of me but a shell filled with nothing how can you get a drink when the glass is empty. I thirst for meaning I yearn for something anything other than this. I will remain here until my lifeless exsistance is done. Until my sentance is satisfied I don’t know what crime I have committed but I know I am living in a cell without any hope of release. I wipe my own eyes and I hold myself when I sleep. Sleep does not come easy and is filled with terrors that I cannot get away from I cannot outrun myself. If I could just go back, I would not be here now. People surround me but I’m alone forever broken forever burning in this unimaginable place you will never see. And if you ever happen to come here turn around and run as fast as you can because it’s like quicksand it pulls you in as u try to escape. Fighting is futile I just wait for it to compress me under where your hands can’t pull me back to safety. I stand on the edge with the wind blowing, pushing me to just fall, realease myself once and for all. I’m trying to hold on but I’m broken my hands don’t hold and my legs are weak I don’t know how much longer I will be able to hang on. The hourglass is emptying ive tried to break it but it is undestructable the sands fall slowely time has stopped there are no days no months no years only moments where memories haunt me mistakes I’ve made choices I always seem to pick the self destructive ones I’m on a downward spiral spinning so fast I cannot think straight my mind is useless, confused, tired and held captive with never-ending thoughts that are painful, physically painful. I will not fly again I will only teeter on the edge afraid to fall afraid to fall afraid to fail afraid to ruin someones life like I have my own. You will not love me I will not hurt you I will be a small shrinking thought that soon will be forgotten .like a flake of snow, I will melt away when you try to hold me some things are better left untouched. Some things are beautiful to look at but fade when approached. Like love like the thought of me and you like happy endings.

Jealous of the nothing you now live in

Jealous of the nothing you now live in
The quiet noise of an empty room
The sweet appeal of a cold dark bed
No pillows to lay down my head
I wake each morning with a pounding in my head
Surprised that I’m not dead
Looking with blank stares at the clock
Waiting for you it never stops

Loving the night it’s the days I dread
Hearing your voice inside of my head
Smelling your scent as I pick up your clothes
Knowing there’s nowhere else I can go
Stealing your kiss while your fast asleep
Breathing your breath never breathed in so deep
Forget that I’m better with you gone
Now if I could just forget your song
You sang it up me while I Laid in the sand
You stroked my sun kissed skin with your left hand
You left me crying your name in vain
That moment you left has me going insane

A fanatacy

love can change the brightest sky,turn it into darkest night.
love can conquer any fear,love can wipe the smallest tear.
love can open many scars,love can break the hardest heart.
love can save a rainy day,love can take your breath away.

Nothing can make me forget,how you felt, how much you meant.
Nothing can be quite the same,without your love my life’s modane..
I don’t know just what to do,to get me over losing you.
I can’t go on another day,this pain inside won’t go away.

around each corner,around each bend,I’m lost,confused,insane again,
everything is soo messed up,it’s like this pain is never enough,
just keeps on comming,stronger still,time itself,it doesn’t heal,
whoever said that must not have known,a love this deep cant be resown..

I guess that how this story ends,there’s no sequel,no time to spend.
There’s just a girl that’s left alone,to face this life of hers now unknown.
She’s falling down,she’s getting up,once running free,now needs a crutch.
She waits for someone who will never come,she wastes her life like a song that’s not sung.

so I guess its best to close this book,just walk away,no second look.
Just forget the dreams she use to have,and make the best of a life gone bad.
sit in silence and say her prayers,to her God in heaven and hope He hears,
and if she’s lucky He’ll grant her wish,but knows there are ones down here she’ll miss.

But thinks it would be easier still,to let it go,and cross the veil.
and never have to make amends,to all the people she’lll hurt in the end.
Life’s not what you make it,its a thief in the night.
takes what it wants in the blink of an eye.

So,,love can change the brightest sky,turn it into darkest night.
love can conquer any fear,love can wipe the smallest tear.
love can open many scars,love can break the hardest heart.
love can save a rainy day,love can take your breath away.

Thoughts before lunch

I’m worried that one day I’ll look back on my life and I wont be able to remember a time that I was truly happy. That I will have lived a life of agony, unloved and alone. And I will look at the world and know that it is a truly beautiful thing with so much to offer, and I never had my share of happiness. I’m worried that I’ll look back on it all, filled with regrets, and think to myself about how all the pain would have never happened if I had just killed myself. I am afraid of living my life.

Friends death

Insomnia

My problem is that I think far too much. I over think, I worry, I stress, I remember stuff I should definitely put behind me. My mind has no turn off button at all. Sometimes this is good because I’m always looking for the next step forward, the next thing I have to do. Sometimes it’s super bad because I focus so much on things that went wrong, things I want to change, worrying about how things will pan out. I haven’t slept properly in at least 7 days because I just can’t shut off. I don’t know what’s up but my mind is obviously focused on something. I am mentally and physically exhausted 24/7. I wish I could say it should get better over the holidays but I have so much work to do that I know I’m gonna be just as stressed, only at home rather than here. I just really need to sleep and stay asleep for like a whole night. If I could manage that, just one night I think I’d be ok. Just a whole 8 hours without waking up every hour and then getting up in the morning and not feeling like I’ve even been to sleep. That would be really awesome.
Please turn off brain, just for one night?Life does not always turn out the way you want it too.I amount to nothing. I am not successful. Nor beautiful, inside or out. I do not have a purpose.That awkward moment when you realize how little you mean to anyone.We fall into this daily routine, this boring, repetitive routine. Events change our entire lives but the rest of the world keeps moving, no change. A part of me wants to enjoy the time I have and live it to the fullest, yet another part doesn’t understand why I should bother, why bother for anything because I don’t understand why it matters at all.