Thoughts before lunch

I’m worried that one day I’ll look back on my life and I wont be able to remember a time that I was truly happy. That I will have lived a life of agony, unloved and alone. And I will look at the world and know that it is a truly beautiful thing with so much to offer, and I never had my share of happiness. I’m worried that I’ll look back on it all, filled with regrets, and think to myself about how all the pain would have never happened if I had just killed myself. I am afraid of living my life.