No one knows

You’ll never understand why I hurt so much because you’re not the one who is crying, you’re not the one who is left behind, you’re not the one who loved too much, and you’re not the one who is holding on to someone who is gone.There comes a point where you miss someone so much that you can hear their voice echo in your head. And you can hear the names that they used to call you, the words they used to tell you. You memorized their laugh, their smile, & their silly ways. You can also feel their arms around you & you don’t want to let go even though you know it’s just an illusion. Every time your phone rings, you smile because it’s them that’s calling. Every time you hear their name, your heart beats 100 times faster and sometimes, you can’t even breathe. You knew that looking back on the tears would make you laugh, but you never knew that looking back on the laughs would also make you cry. All you want is to go back in time. Not to the time that you first met, to the time that you were known as nothing, but strangers. But no matter what, you’re in denial. You hide your feeling so no one would know. You put on a fake smile and don’t let a single tear break through. You’re so used to hiding your feelings that you don’t even realize the pain you’re causing for yourself. Your thoughts becomes invisible. It’s still there, but no ones knows. Like a love letter you didn’t mail.And you’re hurting no one but yourself.

I just want

I just want that feeling of relief I use to get when you wrapped your arms around me.Where can i run when hell is in my head?I’m trying to do what’s best for you and you won’t let me. just let me.With a few well-placed sentences, I can go from tired to tearful.
I wish I had a better control on my emotions.
I wish I was less of a wreck.I feel like everyone expects too much out of me.
I’m under so much pressure to be someone I just can’t be.
I just can’t do this anymore.
I’m so fucking sick of disappointing people… I’m sick of it!
Please… please don’t expect so much out of me.
I promise I’m going to fail.What if you compares me to her, or anyone really? I can’t compete… they’ll win.. and me? I’ll lose…. everything.The one person i want so desperately because you make me laugh & smile and forget about all my troubles and give me this feeling that no one else has on me but i can’t have you.
i miss you like hell, and it fucking sucks.I’m freezing cold and I can’t sleep.Realizing that I’ll never be better or more attractive than any of your exes, ever.Realizing that death is harder than it seems.Remembering every fucking shitty thing about myself so my self esteem rapidly spirals downward.not good enough for you in any way and never will be..Some people are afraid of not being good enough for other people. But the worst feeling is knowing I’ll never be good enough for myself. Because that’s when I start to become my own worst enemy.

Before or later?

If i had the choice to either go back in time and warn myself of certain things, or go in the future and see how i turn out…i honestly dont know which i would choose. I mean if i change the past i may miss amazing things…but if i go to the future i may find out i messed up my life. That would be a hard choice.

Grey sky

When sky’s gray and not blue,that’s the day I’ll be right by u,I’ll be ur strength when ur feeling weak,no matter length I’ll walk a week,I’ll go so far,all night and day,I’ll be that scar,that never goes away,I’ll hold ur hand,and be ur shield,A grain of sand,in a dessert field,I’ll pik u up,when ur too tired to walk,I won’t give up,unless u say it’s a stalk,and when u feel alone,I’ll rub ur back,raise the hair on ur skin,till the morning come,and u feel happy again,will both run,I Love You friend.

I am human

I’m walking around with these glossy eyes,”I’m just tired”I say, but you know what? It’s bullshit.yes I’m tired but it’s not all from lack of sleep.i am tired from waking up with nothing to look forward to,tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things I find no enjoyment in doing.im tired of feeling this void, this tired that looms over me even though my days are packed.I’m tired of the loneliness that presses down on me even though I’m surrounded by dozens of ppl. So why can’t I just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other eyes and say ” I am unhappy,I am broken, fragile and fallible”I’ve been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness,loneliness with unworthiness,difference with disease,as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared.well I say screw all that. Fuck forced smiles and polite handshakes, and” I’m fine, thank you”screw the fear of crying in a public place,screw the fake chipper voice,fuck the lies we spit out to hide our real problems.i am human.i am meant to feel everything and to feel it all openly.i am not metal, I am flesh and bone.my boiled blood forces through my cold clammy hands I am intricate and beautiful and I should never try to hide my human parts, because if I do what’s left to show?

I was gone long before you noticed

I was gone long before you noticed I left. what do I want? The answer to that question does not exist. If you knew what went on in my head, the cuts would be nothing. No one sees how broken I really am. I’m not sure how to stop being unhappy. Even in my laughter there is something missing. There was a time when I wasn’t like this. I really want to get as far away from this place as possible. To feel nothing. What a beautiful feeling that is. I pretend to forget and my scars remind me that the past is real. I sit here with a bottle of pills trying to decide if I should end it all. Yes, I know that’s dangerous. No, I don’t care. What do I have to lose? My mind, my family, my life? I’ve already lost these, haven’t I? Go ahead tell me I’m wrong. Depression has destroyed me,it made me suffer,it made me hate the people I’m suppose to love,I have slowly lost everything and now it’s coming in for the kill. “don’t do anything stupid, okay?” “I won’t, I promise” and it wasn’t a lie, what I was going to do makes a lot of sense.I’m an over thinker and I hate it.I make a big deal out of the most simplest things.I create problems within my own head.I get all worked up over nothing. I wish I could just stop over thinking things.it’s only making things worse than it already is.I need to learn to stop. Too bad I can’t help it.I can never forget what you said.sometimes I stay up all night and sleep all day just to ovoid people.I hate having that one person I need to hold me but they’re too far away so I just sit on my own sobbing.if you had the chance to kill yourself, no pain or blood involved, and your family wouldn’t get hurt because of what you did, would you take it?it’s not the kind of sadness where you cry all the time, but more like the kind of sadness that overwhelms your entire body,leaving your heart aching and your stomach empty making you feel weak and tired.and yet you can’t even sleep cause the sadness is in your dreams to.it’s almost a sadness you can’t escape.it’s a kind of tired that sleep can’t fix.