Feelings I can’t put into words

I don’t know if I can really explain how I feel.I am writing this note not for you but for me.It helps to write and sometimes it hurts to write.When I am feeling like maby,just maby,I am starting to find myself again,I can feel happiness.Not all of the time and even not most of the time,but sometimes.The happiness is different than the happiness I use to have.It is almost like going outside at night and the sky is full of clouds but for a brief moment the moon comes out and lights the night and it is beautiful.But maby for a few seconds before it is hidden with the clouds again.Not really a good comparison but,its all I got at the moment.:) I am having a hard time adjusting to my life as a single woman.The single parent thing is trying too.Having to be both mom and dad and the upkeep of a house,vehicles,bills,meals,cleaning,laundry,appointments,you name it,I have to do it.Not that I feel that it is unfair in anyway,its just hard.And then not to have a part of the day to look forward to spending time with him.”Him” is the one peice of the puzzle that is missing.And although I know nothing will change,He is soo hard to let go.I can’t.I know He is not comming back but that is a concept hard to understand.The solitude without HIm is unbearable.At times I try to keep busy,keep my mind accupied,but it is not really doing anything for me other than to pass time.When I am alone it is always the same,missing Him soo much,it hurts soo bad.I think about my future without Him.Will I ever meet another like HIm?I don’t know.Do I ever want to chance going through this again?Not on my life,I don’t.I would rather be lonely forever than to chance finding someone I would grow to love and losing him too.And I already have had walls appear in my heart,walls that I know are there to protect but i did not puposely put them there,they have just appeared.I feel detatched from many,and don’t talk to long or visit too much.I don’t know how to fix that yet,,still trying to figure it out.I cannot explain what the greif is like.It is worse than anything I have been through before.Not only is it a physical pain,the anxiety attacks,the headaches,the tiredness,the poor physical health from changes in appetite;it is also a mental pain,which I would say is the worse of the two.The depression,the lack of will to live,the lack of desire to get out of bed,the lack of having the daily love and thinking at times you’ve lost your mind.Do I have a family that cares?Yes,I have a great support system and friends and family that love me soo much,but at the end of the day I am still alone.Not having a real person here is soo lonely.I don’t know if there is a time span you can put on such feelings,how long will it last? it has been so ling since I got that phone call and He was gone.That is a long time to feel like this.I really do try to stay positive.I keep my energy focused on our children.They are the reason I go on every day.I have been getting more involved in church and picking up a few new hobbies,but it just isn’t helping much.He is gone but still soo very much here.Everywhere I am I see HIm.I drive down the road and there will be a guy in a truck,on a Harley,and I have to do a double take.I have even followed someone for a bit just because I wanted to see this mirage a little bit longer.It is even in our home,I will catch a glimpse of a memory for a second.I came home this morning after taking our kids to school and came in the front door and hollared”David,I’m home”I know to most people that is wierd.But please try to understand that in a way it is comforting.That for a brief moment it is like it was.And even if it is a “blink of an eye”moment,it is a feeling that I need.Although I know it is not healthy to hold on to the past,there are no manuals given out when this happens.So you just have to do what you need to do.There are days where these four walls hold me captive.Where I don’t see the sunlight for days,where I sleep 18 hours out of 24,but I do have some good days.And I didn’t 9 months ago,so even if the progress is not noticeable it is still happening,slowly.I have had the opportunity to meet some wonderful souls in this journey.Souls that I wouls never have crossed paths with except for the one thing we have in common.We have lost our “better halfs”.They can relate to what I feel,they do not judge and have their moments themselves.They understand every word I am typing and it is not unfamiliar.They have their ups and downs,their tears and laughter,their storms and rainbows,but although each of our stories are different,they are definately one and the same.And I owe them a great big thank you.Without their bond and knowing that there is others feeling just like me,I would probably have admitted myself to the loony bin by now! 🙂 But I need to get the trash out so I must stop writing.I wish everyone has a peaceful day,

The way it is

there’s a hole in my heart but I stopped the bleeding,
there’s a tear in my eye and I’m barely seeing
there’s no peace in my life but I’m still believing that you will find me someday
there’s a weight on my chest and I’m suffocating
i have to fight for every breath and each one is less
dont even know if I’ll get the next and I must confess
that I get depressed,,are you looking for me?

its raining on my soul and Im drowning
trying to see land but there’s no accounting
for the hands pulling me down under the water
like an animal being led to it’s slaughter

looking for you to take me away
say you’ll never leave you’ll always stay
promise me I can believe in you
that only to me you will be true

a place where the quietness rules the night
where nightmares end and everythings right
with your arms around me holding me tight
i’d stay there forever with you

this darkness compasses my being
never satisfying my needing
“help me now”-I am pleading
take this pain away

I know you understand this thought
I know you also feel distraught
its a lost battle this fight we’ve fought
we must start over again

Ive never met you,youve never met me
but we share a bond no other can see
nor understand though its plain to see
we lean on each other’s miseries

I know how it hurts i know how you cry
I know how you long for them to hold you tight
I know when you cant face one more day
how you just keep going on in every way

they say your soo strong but I know your weak
I know you fall down onto your knees
I know how you begged for just one more chance
if only God would give you them back

But now I have to say goodbye,
put down this pen and wipe my eyes
cherish my angels and put them to bed
tuck them in and kiss their heads.

Inside a mind

If I could feel this much pain just by reading what you wrote,
I wonder how much more there is as you turn those emotions into words
Your put your hands over your eyes to prevent the tears from falling,
You try to hold your breath just to keep your mouth from screaming.

Trying to hold the pen straight had never been this hard from you,
Yet you kept on writing whatever’s left of what you thought was true
Agony tied you in chains and you’re losing hope you could break free
Memories of what used to be haunt you in your sleep and in reality

If I could, I’d take away your sorrow and carry it on my shoulder,
The past you wish to forget, I’d be the one to painfully remember
When you feel the world has deserted you,just call out my name
I’ll be there in a flash trying to make you feel okay

If its space that you need I’d let you have it and just wait here
I ask nothing in return but hope that better you will feel
How do I unbreak and unshatter the pieces of your heart
Tell me what I can say or do to make everything alright.