Feelings I can’t put into words

I don’t know if I can really explain how I feel.I am writing this note not for you but for me.It helps to write and sometimes it hurts to write.When I am feeling like maby,just maby,I am starting to find myself again,I can feel happiness.Not all of the time and even not most of the time,but sometimes.The happiness is different than the happiness I use to have.It is almost like going outside at night and the sky is full of clouds but for a brief moment the moon comes out and lights the night and it is beautiful.But maby for a few seconds before it is hidden with the clouds again.Not really a good comparison but,its all I got at the moment.:) I am having a hard time adjusting to my life as a single woman.The single parent thing is trying too.Having to be both mom and dad and the upkeep of a house,vehicles,bills,meals,cleaning,laundry,appointments,you name it,I have to do it.Not that I feel that it is unfair in anyway,its just hard.And then not to have a part of the day to look forward to spending time with him.”Him” is the one peice of the puzzle that is missing.And although I know nothing will change,He is soo hard to let go.I can’t.I know He is not comming back but that is a concept hard to understand.The solitude without HIm is unbearable.At times I try to keep busy,keep my mind accupied,but it is not really doing anything for me other than to pass time.When I am alone it is always the same,missing Him soo much,it hurts soo bad.I think about my future without Him.Will I ever meet another like HIm?I don’t know.Do I ever want to chance going through this again?Not on my life,I don’t.I would rather be lonely forever than to chance finding someone I would grow to love and losing him too.And I already have had walls appear in my heart,walls that I know are there to protect but i did not puposely put them there,they have just appeared.I feel detatched from many,and don’t talk to long or visit too much.I don’t know how to fix that yet,,still trying to figure it out.I cannot explain what the greif is like.It is worse than anything I have been through before.Not only is it a physical pain,the anxiety attacks,the headaches,the tiredness,the poor physical health from changes in appetite;it is also a mental pain,which I would say is the worse of the two.The depression,the lack of will to live,the lack of desire to get out of bed,the lack of having the daily love and thinking at times you’ve lost your mind.Do I have a family that cares?Yes,I have a great support system and friends and family that love me soo much,but at the end of the day I am still alone.Not having a real person here is soo lonely.I don’t know if there is a time span you can put on such feelings,how long will it last? it has been so ling since I got that phone call and He was gone.That is a long time to feel like this.I really do try to stay positive.I keep my energy focused on our children.They are the reason I go on every day.I have been getting more involved in church and picking up a few new hobbies,but it just isn’t helping much.He is gone but still soo very much here.Everywhere I am I see HIm.I drive down the road and there will be a guy in a truck,on a Harley,and I have to do a double take.I have even followed someone for a bit just because I wanted to see this mirage a little bit longer.It is even in our home,I will catch a glimpse of a memory for a second.I came home this morning after taking our kids to school and came in the front door and hollared”David,I’m home”I know to most people that is wierd.But please try to understand that in a way it is comforting.That for a brief moment it is like it was.And even if it is a “blink of an eye”moment,it is a feeling that I need.Although I know it is not healthy to hold on to the past,there are no manuals given out when this happens.So you just have to do what you need to do.There are days where these four walls hold me captive.Where I don’t see the sunlight for days,where I sleep 18 hours out of 24,but I do have some good days.And I didn’t 9 months ago,so even if the progress is not noticeable it is still happening,slowly.I have had the opportunity to meet some wonderful souls in this journey.Souls that I wouls never have crossed paths with except for the one thing we have in common.We have lost our “better halfs”.They can relate to what I feel,they do not judge and have their moments themselves.They understand every word I am typing and it is not unfamiliar.They have their ups and downs,their tears and laughter,their storms and rainbows,but although each of our stories are different,they are definately one and the same.And I owe them a great big thank you.Without their bond and knowing that there is others feeling just like me,I would probably have admitted myself to the loony bin by now! 🙂 But I need to get the trash out so I must stop writing.I wish everyone has a peaceful day,


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