Nothing new

I am torn, not knowing the words to use to let you in, to understand my soul. But I really wouldn’t want you to feel it. The coldness of my heart. If you would ever meet me you would never suspect me to be one of having these problems. On the outside, I hold it together. Glue a fake smile on every morning with my makeup. I’ve always been well liked and even considered a role model. I just want desperately to be me again. Three and a half years ago my husband died suddenly and I can’t escape what I’ve been thrown into. He was thirty three. Healthy, beautiful, a wonderful father and my best friend. Life doesn’t follow any rules. I remember the waiting,,, not believing this was real. Five and a half hours of thinking there was some mistake. See, he was boating with our two boys and drowned. The divers finally found him and as I was waiting to I’d him, I ask to have his wedding ring. When she came out if the ambulance and handed me a ring that was when I went into shock. It was HIS ring. This was real. He was inside lifeless and gone. No goodbyes ever said. I miss him I miss us. It’s hard to try to fix yourself. I’m afraid to love. Afraid to lose again. And I don’t love myself anymore. My emotions are hardened, not by free will but like chains that bind me to solitude. It’s a very lonely road I’m on. Carrying the weight on my broken shoulders, not feeling the touch, embrace, a lovers soft caress.