1/28/13

Take me back again
Ill never let you down down
Ill never break a promise
Never make you frown

Call me please tonight
Just give me one more try
Let me put your hand in mine
I can let you in this time

thought I had it figured out but I wasn’t close
Thought I’d forget those eyes the deepest green
keep hearing echoes of your voice when I close my eyes
And your face haunts me every time I dream

How could I fall so far that I lose myself
Every breAth is a struggle since u went away
Coming up but the waves keep pushing me further down
Never more see the light of day

Kissed me once and I scratched you back
Gave me love and I wasted your time
Now I know what kind of a mess Ive made
And you don’t care that Ive changed my mind

Starting over again

You took the time to fix my heart
Picked up the pieces that shattered apart.
One by one you calmed my fears
Held me close as you wiped every tear.

I needed you, everyone could see
Plain as day, for everyone but me
He never held me like I was all he’d need
Not the way you did when we’d fall asleep

I was scared,confused,had nowhere to hide
Couldn’t let you see, turned truths into lies
Said I didn’t want you, that I didn’t care
I had to run away, didn’t matter where

You held on so long, you never turned back
Stopped the train, when I laid on the track
Made me smile, made me laugh
Made me feel whole, when I had only been half

Here alone I sit, with you always on my mind
Thinking of things I’d say if given the time
We were meant to meet, we were meant to love
Maybe your an angel, sent down from up above

I have to thank you with all that’s inside of me
For helping me forget the past, throw out all the debris
She’s the lucky one, the one you’ll sweep away
But I can’t turn time back,words I can’t unsay

You showed me the moon on a summers night
You stroked my hair underneath the sunlight
Softened my heart,which was complete contrite
Made me feel I was going to be alright

I hope you hate me, that I never cross your mind
That you only forward go and never rewind
I could never have made you happy, been everything you need
I don’t know how to stop this hurting,all I do is bleed

Never again will I taste your lips on mine
Or have your body on me entwined
I need to stop this, need to break away
But my hearts done beating, only decay

You made me forget him, how do I forget you?
I’m hanging off a ledge but no ones coming to rescue
I wanted to give you more but I just withdrew
Should’ve walked away guess I always knew

Your in my heart that’s where you’ll stay
Your on your next chapter your far away
I wish I could hold you just one more night
But you’d disappear with the morning light

Getting it out

Today I am trying really hard to be self-sufficient. This is one of those days where I miss having a partner. My oldest boy,13, is pushing my buttons. I can’t give in which is the easiest thing to do. I have to stand my ground. I’m afraid at times I’m too hard or don’t spend enough time with him. I blame my work schedule which is an 55 hour week, every week. But that’s the minimum I can do to get by. Something’s gotta give. I miss feeling like someone cares. I know I isolate myself. I feel selfish if I spend time with others instead of my children. It’s a lose, lose situation. I just want them to be happy. I thought I had figured out some things but I guess I didn’t. I miss drowning my sorrows with dysfunctional habits. But being of sound mind has its benefits. I need positive energy. Even the music has a way if making me remember and miss. I just needed a few quiet minutes to get this out of my head. There is no better feeling than being loved. How I miss that.

01/10/13

Or should I say 4:57 A.M.?? :-((

Wednesday

I try to read something everyday that no one else is reading. I think things no one else is thinking. I like my uniqueness, if everyone sings the same note there never is any harmony. Just because I wonder around does not mean that I am lost. In order to break out of my prison, I have to realize first that I am locked up. I remember in kindergarten having pictures of things and having to pick which didn’t belong. I guess they didn’t realizing that they were teaching me that different is wrong. I’m my journal I keep, I don’t follow the scored lines, I write sideways which is considered the wrong way. I’ve worn a mask so long that it has become a part of me. In order to remove it I must remove some of my own skin to. I am the artist to my life. Not only am I the canvas, but also the paints, paintbrushes, and the painter. My life is what I make of it. In the book of my life there are chapters which I don’t reread and definitely don’t read out loud. It’s funny how you usually find your destiny when you are trying to avoid it. I am finding that the more I look, the less I see. Your gaze I have to look away from. For my eyes speak loudly, you can see my feelings clearly.

4:48 A.M.

I’m having a bad day. I promised myself this year would be different. I just want to cry. But I won’t. Ill hold it in and leave the crowds and be by myself. For in that solitude I can control my thoughts. Contain my disappointments. Suppress my hopes and dreams. Refusing to look into your eyes for it is safer that way. You will never see my soul. My innermost being. The real me. You will only be exposed to who I choose to let you see. A minute part of a charade which I call my life. You will applaud when it is over, for who but an actress could stand to go through all those years if it was real? Surely she would have left years ago. All the secrets she kept are now her confessions. We pretend and play these games, my eyes staring into space wasting so much time, when I could just leave this place. I never really, truly knew until this moment. This pondering in my mind. how devastating it is to lose someone I never even had. Why is that? There is a reason why every tear falls, don’t ever wipe that reason away.

I screwed up last night

Monday came and went, I sit alone on my snow covered porch and listen to nothing but the cold winter. The birds are gone, the flowers dead, even the icicles finished their drip-drop of the melting white bedspread on the roof. I have only myself to hear. My heartbeat, my breathing, my ever so loud thoughts, screaming in my head. I had to give in last night. Had to make the mistake of talking to him. Now it’s back to square one. I must admit just knowing his fingers were pushing letters on his phone just for me was much needed. Ive missed him. But I would never let on. For I am ruthless. A cold hearted waste of space. Now I have to figure how to get his face from my mind. How I long to touch him. To feel him hold me. The nightmares come when he is gone. I don’t know why I have those torturous kinds of dreams;
and yet still want to keep on sleeping to finish them. That’s when I wish someone was awake. I wish you were awake. I wish I wasn’t awake. Mostly I just wish you were here with me. what’s worse than insomnia? Very realistic brutal nightmares when I do sleep.hope this isn’t my night tonight. I wish I would just get over my fears and let myself let him in. For I do love him.

A venting spree

Who do you go to when you have no one? No one who understands? Do you bottle it up forever? Is there always hope? Is there always a rainbow after the storm? Can it be possible that life is one set of trials after another? Can a person truly be happy alone? I know many people who put their lives into their work and they seem content. Are they at end of the day glad that is their life. Is it possible to have everything but really nothing? Maybe once you’ve tasted companionship mixed with a high like a drug of having that one person to come home to. To share your day, your dreams, your desires with… Maybe that’s what society has impressed upon us. that we are not complete without a partner. It is harmful to listen to the same sad song over and over. To take out frustration in my garage with weights and punching the sh*t out of my punching bag. To run miles pushing my heart to its max and then keep going. To buy a new outfit and feel sexy and turn heads to get some kind of self esteem. I always feel not good enough, that he wouldn’t be satisfied with me. I know I write a complicated mess of emotions, and it’s only because I want to be normal. I’ve heard that they’re are many types of abuse. I always thought of physical as being the only true kind but have learned that psychological can be just as harmful. I’ve been through every type of abuse you could go through, all by the hands of the man I gave my life to,, had his children. He was a good father. We played the role outwardly of a happy family but behind closed doors it was different. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in speaking ill of the deceased. I really did love him. I honored all the vows I said before God. Even when he went out on me, I’m not in any way seeking pity, I don’t deserve it. I had my faults as well. Could have given more than I did. I just feel sometimes like my writings are desperately in the category of placing myself as a victim and I’m honestly not wanting to come across that way. I am trying to heal and move on. But I carry this opinion of myself that has been forced upon me over many years that I am not worthy for anything good. For happiness. And I want it. I would give up everything I own to find it. I’ve tried going to the Drs. and tried multiple concoctions, but to know avail. I refuse to be a guinea pig. I am normal. I just need to learn how to love myself. When or if you’ve ever been cheated on, it makes you think something is wrong with you. I keep myself up. I never let myself go physically. I’m attaching a picture so u can see. I realize I’m not the best looking woman out there but am I that repulsive? I just want help. I am on a limited budget, I nanny 2 kids while mine are in school so I can make ends meet. I need advise. What do I do to gain love for myself? When my husband died, drowned at 33, I was devastated. I never signed up for single parent life. Why am I afraid to open up? Because it is always good in the beginning. Maybe I am afraid of going through what I went through before. The physical, mental abuse that left me a broken unhappy woman. Has anyone ever been through this? How do u heal without meds. I don’t want to drink. God knows I did that for two years after he passed.any comments would be much appreciated. But please make them useable or from experience. I’ve been on some bad medicine and don’t want to go down that road again.you probably think I’m ignorant but actually, not tooting my own horn :), I’m smart.I’m real. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. But those things don’t matter anymore. I need to move forward but I feel damaged. It’s hard. Anyway,, enough venting.. Hopefully you didn’t make it this far,, if so God bless. I hope everyone has a good week. I love you all my WP friends. Xoxo

I’m the problem

I have things I wish I could say to you. I would tell you I never wanted to leave you empty handed. I wanted to save you from the pain you feel. I would tell it is going to be ok. I never wanted to leave you. I know you hate me and its killing me. I wish I could change all of this but there’s nothing I can say to ease what’s happening. I have to leave because I can’t face the truth. I can lie and wish you the best but I turned away the moment you broke my walls down and I felt vulnerable. I went away without proof that you cannot ease my pain. But I warned you from the beginning not to fall for me. You laughed and said you don’t fall easily. But we blended so perfectly there was no stopping it. So now were at the point where were both miserable and it’s all my fault. Chalk that up to another one of my failures. Another one of my chances for happiness that I buried. Deep into the ground with my heart. Next time I won’t meet your eyes. Just keep walking with my head down. Never opening up the wound that he inflicted on me. Keep scarring myself with marks to remind myself that I am a disease. Someone that will draw you in and then push you away. I’ve tried to step across the line but it scares me. It’s impossible for me to rise above the hell I’m in, I want desperately to find you but you can’t change black to white. Why is it so hard to take chances? I am jaded. All I ever wanted was you. And all it would take is to pick up the phone but I can’t do it. Why am I dysfunctional? You know how I feel. You lost your dad at 18. So you understand what I’m going through. You’ve been patient, never judging. Always took my mood swings my pulling back. Promised me you’d be there through it all and I threw you away. I am a f*** up. Why can’t I feel comfortable with being loved?

Waiting for no one

She waited by the door, as if bound to some unknowing visitor, who would come and open the door and she would gladly welcome him home. But no one came. No one ever came. Yet every night she waited. Patiently as if she did not know the outcome of this never ending ritual. Sometimes she’d put on a pretty dress and fix her hair and make up. Sometimes she’d just wear her baggy sweats and an oversized T-shirt but there she would stand and wait. Until the darkness took its toll on her eyes and she’d slowly drift off to sleep.
To replay the same scenario in her mind. Effortlessly as she slipped into his arms and felt his embrace. As he pushed back the strands of hair to gently kiss her lips. When desire took hold and they were no longer separate beings but joined as close as any two could ever be. Not knowing where one started and another ended. That place is where she wanted to stay. Forever with him. Where no sorrow could enter, no tomorrow to worry about, no yesterday to cry over. Just here and now. It is beautiful here. But she’d wake up on the floor by the door and continue in her mundane life until sunset, where she’d wait once again for him. It was an illusion she couldn’t live without. For there she would find peace in an out of control world which was hers.