A venting spree

Who do you go to when you have no one? No one who understands? Do you bottle it up forever? Is there always hope? Is there always a rainbow after the storm? Can it be possible that life is one set of trials after another? Can a person truly be happy alone? I know many people who put their lives into their work and they seem content. Are they at end of the day glad that is their life. Is it possible to have everything but really nothing? Maybe once you’ve tasted companionship mixed with a high like a drug of having that one person to come home to. To share your day, your dreams, your desires with… Maybe that’s what society has impressed upon us. that we are not complete without a partner. It is harmful to listen to the same sad song over and over. To take out frustration in my garage with weights and punching the sh*t out of my punching bag. To run miles pushing my heart to its max and then keep going. To buy a new outfit and feel sexy and turn heads to get some kind of self esteem. I always feel not good enough, that he wouldn’t be satisfied with me. I know I write a complicated mess of emotions, and it’s only because I want to be normal. I’ve heard that they’re are many types of abuse. I always thought of physical as being the only true kind but have learned that psychological can be just as harmful. I’ve been through every type of abuse you could go through, all by the hands of the man I gave my life to,, had his children. He was a good father. We played the role outwardly of a happy family but behind closed doors it was different. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in speaking ill of the deceased. I really did love him. I honored all the vows I said before God. Even when he went out on me, I’m not in any way seeking pity, I don’t deserve it. I had my faults as well. Could have given more than I did. I just feel sometimes like my writings are desperately in the category of placing myself as a victim and I’m honestly not wanting to come across that way. I am trying to heal and move on. But I carry this opinion of myself that has been forced upon me over many years that I am not worthy for anything good. For happiness. And I want it. I would give up everything I own to find it. I’ve tried going to the Drs. and tried multiple concoctions, but to know avail. I refuse to be a guinea pig. I am normal. I just need to learn how to love myself. When or if you’ve ever been cheated on, it makes you think something is wrong with you. I keep myself up. I never let myself go physically. I’m attaching a picture so u can see. I realize I’m not the best looking woman out there but am I that repulsive? I just want help. I am on a limited budget, I nanny 2 kids while mine are in school so I can make ends meet. I need advise. What do I do to gain love for myself? When my husband died, drowned at 33, I was devastated. I never signed up for single parent life. Why am I afraid to open up? Because it is always good in the beginning. Maybe I am afraid of going through what I went through before. The physical, mental abuse that left me a broken unhappy woman. Has anyone ever been through this? How do u heal without meds. I don’t want to drink. God knows I did that for two years after he passed.any comments would be much appreciated. But please make them useable or from experience. I’ve been on some bad medicine and don’t want to go down that road again.you probably think I’m ignorant but actually, not tooting my own horn :), I’m smart.I’m real. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. But those things don’t matter anymore. I need to move forward but I feel damaged. It’s hard. Anyway,, enough venting.. Hopefully you didn’t make it this far,, if so God bless. I hope everyone has a good week. I love you all my WP friends. Xoxo