I’m the problem

I have things I wish I could say to you. I would tell you I never wanted to leave you empty handed. I wanted to save you from the pain you feel. I would tell it is going to be ok. I never wanted to leave you. I know you hate me and its killing me. I wish I could change all of this but there’s nothing I can say to ease what’s happening. I have to leave because I can’t face the truth. I can lie and wish you the best but I turned away the moment you broke my walls down and I felt vulnerable. I went away without proof that you cannot ease my pain. But I warned you from the beginning not to fall for me. You laughed and said you don’t fall easily. But we blended so perfectly there was no stopping it. So now were at the point where were both miserable and it’s all my fault. Chalk that up to another one of my failures. Another one of my chances for happiness that I buried. Deep into the ground with my heart. Next time I won’t meet your eyes. Just keep walking with my head down. Never opening up the wound that he inflicted on me. Keep scarring myself with marks to remind myself that I am a disease. Someone that will draw you in and then push you away. I’ve tried to step across the line but it scares me. It’s impossible for me to rise above the hell I’m in, I want desperately to find you but you can’t change black to white. Why is it so hard to take chances? I am jaded. All I ever wanted was you. And all it would take is to pick up the phone but I can’t do it. Why am I dysfunctional? You know how I feel. You lost your dad at 18. So you understand what I’m going through. You’ve been patient, never judging. Always took my mood swings my pulling back. Promised me you’d be there through it all and I threw you away. I am a f*** up. Why can’t I feel comfortable with being loved?