I screwed up last night

Monday came and went, I sit alone on my snow covered porch and listen to nothing but the cold winter. The birds are gone, the flowers dead, even the icicles finished their drip-drop of the melting white bedspread on the roof. I have only myself to hear. My heartbeat, my breathing, my ever so loud thoughts, screaming in my head. I had to give in last night. Had to make the mistake of talking to him. Now it’s back to square one. I must admit just knowing his fingers were pushing letters on his phone just for me was much needed. Ive missed him. But I would never let on. For I am ruthless. A cold hearted waste of space. Now I have to figure how to get his face from my mind. How I long to touch him. To feel him hold me. The nightmares come when he is gone. I don’t know why I have those torturous kinds of dreams;
and yet still want to keep on sleeping to finish them. That’s when I wish someone was awake. I wish you were awake. I wish I wasn’t awake. Mostly I just wish you were here with me. what’s worse than insomnia? Very realistic brutal nightmares when I do sleep.hope this isn’t my night tonight. I wish I would just get over my fears and let myself let him in. For I do love him.