02/21/13

So you called me up
Didn’t think you would
You gave up on us
So now I don’t understand
I spent two long months
Trying to figure shit out
I was finally down
With the fact you weren’t coming back

Cause when I lost you
I couldn’t figure out who I was too
Crazy don’t describe the things I would do
Lost and didn’t have a clue

Cause I was in too deep
Couldn’t find my way out
Had my heart in your hands
And now I’m forever damned
Something good we were
Was like nothing I’d ever felt
And I don’t want it to end
But I guess I’m not in your plans
The best love that I never had

Nights
go
by
and I’m getting use to
This
cold
bed
if you would just stay
out
my
head
I could maybe get a little sleep
Days
drag
on
and you would think that since
your
long
gone
I’d go out on the streets and find
A
New
Love
But baby that isn’t me

Cause when I lost you
I couldn’t figure out who I was too
Crazy dont describe the things I would do
I didn’t even have a clue

Cause I was in too deep
Couldn’t find my way out
Had my heart in your hands
And now I’m forever damned
Something good we were
Was like nothing I’d ever felt
And I don’t want it to end
But I guess I’m not in your plans
The best love that I never had

02/16/03

Whisper in my ear
Tell me all your secrets
Don’t be afraid to let me hear
Pull the skeletons out of your closets

Look me in the eye
Let me see deep into your soul
Every part do not deny
Let go of self control

Give all your tears to me
Let me drink them slowly in
Ill take the burden off your back
Ill forgive your every sin

Undress yourself in front of me
Slowly peel off every layer
Don’t shy away I want to see
Your beauty’s uncomparable

Open your heart unlock every part
Withhold not a beat from me
Bound by your essence I cannot depart
Nothing I do will change anything

Give me your love don’t leave me empty handed
I’m running in circles trying to find the proof
All the while, I find myself stranded
Don’t want to have to face the truth

So wont you please just whisper in my ear

02/12/13

Wanting, craving , desperately yearning for the ability to express what I feel
To know you understand each word I write and that I can take you to where it is real

Can you hear what I’m not saying? Can you read between the lines? Can you see the pain that I hide deep inside?

If you could pick one memory of mine,to explore to its fullest depths, would it be a happy moment or one of deep regret?

I can show you every laughter, every teardrop, every pain. I could take you to many places you’d never go to again.

I went dancing on a rooftop, I’ve been kissed in the pouring rain, held the hand of a loved one dying, laid to rest my eternal soulmate.

Would you linger on my retention, would you savor every point
Would you still judge me soo harshly
After seeing my world ripped apart?

I keep these all locked for a reason
Never should let anyone see
All the scars and emotional moments
That almost made me lose me

I cannot ever clearly explain
For my talent is but soo small
Id love to eloquently pen it all down
But I fear all I do is just sprawl

Would I find some relief in knowing that you find yourself feeling like me?Would you disappear like others before just be one more absentee?

No I think that it’s wise to keep your eyes blind, just keep living this “normal” facade, but a broken down girl who survived her cruel world at the least should get an applause

02/11/13

What happens when you forget who you are
You look in the mirror and see a stranger
Even my eyes hold a distant look- like their from another face
Doing the daily routine but it’s like I’m watching a play
But missing the pieces to fill the empty space
Forgetting how to smile, forgetting how to care
Especially since there is no one else here
I’ve turned into a recluse-I talk to noone
Music is my only escape
Listen to the same songs on repeat
Every night when I’m running the streets
Looking for forgiveness
I need to make up for hurting someone I love
But somehow my words aren’t nearly enough
I guess sometimes it’s not me that burns bridges
So I cannot get to him to repair all the damage
I finally realize he really doesn’t care
So I have no choice but to rid this despair
Forget the past/forget the future is what they tell me
But there’s nothing here emptiness is all I see
My eyes have run dry I’ve given up on love
Time cannot erase this despair I can’t get out of
Just a promise and a small little dream
Is more than I deserve it must be extreme
Settle for nothing sleep all alone
Try to be satisfied in the building I call home
Get up early go to bed late
Dream all my nightmares that keep me awake
Im not permitted to find rest most nights
I am afraid to close my eyes
In fear of what the dreams will hold
What goes on inside is out of my control
Resisting the urge to quench this flame
Just sit and stare out the window frame
There’s a piece of me missing that you didn’t give back
There’s a hole on my heart not some little crack
Ill make sense of this chaos unaided by you
Repair every puncture, all this poison I’ll spew
I can see a little clearer, now I’m up off my knees
Id been fighting against a cyclone, now its just a gentle breeze You weren’t just jotted down in pencil some memory easily erased
You are carved into my soul, now it’s forever defaced
I enjoy the suns warmth even when covered with clouds
I can enjoy a quiet moment when in the midst of a crowd
The moon does not to be full for me to enjoy her beauty,
Just like the flower can turn my head when it’s petals are droopy
Ive learned a lesson or two, on the back of every mistake
Things I’ve wanted to hold on to I’ve had to forsake
Although I’m at the surface and I’m able to stay afloat
I’m no longer drowning but don’t have the strength to build a boat

02/10/13

In order to be happy I must learn to accept myself. To embrace my flaws and realize that my individuality is what makes me unique. Not try to conform to be like everyone else. Clothing, hair, body size are all ways to show who I am as an individual. I’m not sure why I compare myself to others to determine my self worth. My differences are what make me beautiful. I find myself looking to others to give me completion. I must first be content to be with myself. Sometimes the best friend you can find is inside you. My work entailed hours of solitude in which I find myself having conversations where I am both the narrator and the audience. It often times makes me wonder if that is normal but I have solved many problems that way. Argued different sides to something to come to a conclusion which I can live with. Looking back can also be beneficial. As long as I don’t linger there too long wishing I could go back. But taking what lessons I’ve learned and incorporating them into the now can clarify my thought process. Daily acceptance of things and events going on which are beyond my control makes for a better day. Taking into account the grand picture of our world and realizing that I truly am blessed, even with the mountains to climb and the deserts to cross. To be able to provide for my children, as a widow, where in some countries I would be desolate and have to watch them slowly fade from malnutrition and disease. But it’s easy to turn a blind eye to others misfortunes because many times we just get wrapped up in our own worlds. Which is easy to do as that is where we exist. But every once in awhile we should take time to examine how fortunate we really are and it is then my problems don’t seem so overwhelming. Happiness is a state of mind just like anger, it can be self induced. Taking control over thoughts that are negative before they control me. So today I will be happy, and thankful for the life I have been given. With its rollercoaster ride and gains and losses, it is a good thing. It is too short to waste even a day of it.

02/08/13

I didn’t sleep last night
I stayed up thinking about how terrified I am
How I feel destined for abandonment
Unworthy of lasting happiness
I bring a lot of it on myself
Afraid of being hurt so I push away when I develop strong feelings
Trusting someone enough to put my heart in their hands
Vulnerable, it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling for me
I guess I don’t expect anyone to understand
I don’t even myself
I was wondering why am I evading commitment
Am I so sure that no one could ever love me enough to stay forever
I’m not looking anymore
It’s a game I unintentionally play.
I have enough to keep me busy
I don’t need love, I just want it
I always tell my kids “you don’t always get what you want”
Time to take my own advise
Questions I ask I don’t want to know the answers
This feels like a disease I’d rather have cancer
I find strength where I thought was just weakness
The sun shines for you here is just bleakness
I pray to God but its a one way conversation
I’m hungry for life I’m on the edge of starvation
I just want to feel something true something complete
It won’t rise to the surface for its buried too deep
Just when I thought time erased all my pain
Put the past in the past but it’s still not the same
I wish I could get a second chance
To meet you for the first time and start over again
Forget my insecurities chase after every dream
I wonder right now where would we be
Would your arms be around me my head on your chest
Feel the depths of your heartbeat your kisses on my neck
Fingertips would be lightly tracing my skin
I remember every detail I can go there again
You left me with memories and your things in a drawer
How I wanted much more
Desperately moving from room to room
Fighting my demons and they all look like you
I feel like a hostage please set me free
This prison has bound me i need a key
The knife slowly slides deep in my heart
Intolerable anguish is tearing me apart
I have things unspoken that stay silent in my head
Things you’ll never know until after I’m dead
The problem with keeping it all locked inside
Is no one ever realizes the answer to the “Why?”
The smile that I wear feels like fire on my face
But it serves a useful purpose so it’s kinda hard to erase
Don’t want to hear unwanted questions
Don’t care to explain how much is wrong
I just keep it deep inside my mind like a song that never is sung

02/04/13

02/04/13

Another day anotheR tear falls
AnotheRday of unanswereD calls
Keeping busY to forget your face
No more to do I’vE already pled my case
Opening up boxes i should have left closeD
Taking back emotions your hands had stole
Walking in circles going nowhere fast
Not moving forward living in the past
Listening to your favorite tunes
everything you needed was in front of you
Pulling the elastic til it almosT snaps
Getting stucK in these complicated trapS
I asked you to stay but you left
You have my hearT without consent it’s theft
And youR days are good while mine are sour
Your thriving I’m dying like picked flowers
running out of words my thoughts are jumbled up
My throat is parched all’s left an empty cup
ill catch my tears in a bottle seal it with a kiss
throw it in the sewer let it sink in piss
Let the darkness overcome me
Embrace these feelings of disease
Turn the tables turn the page
Start havinG tolerable days
If it comes to me at night
Ill blow out the candles turn off the light
Your rising up I’m sinking down
Your acting cool I’m playing thE clown
That was thE last time I will ask you to calL
You don’t need me anymore I won’t crawl
I wont answeR if you knock on my Door
I wont let you hurt me Anymore

02/03#3

Feeling black right now
A void an emptiness which longs to be filled
With anything good or bad
I’ve been working soo hard to stay away from unhealthy vices
Been clean for a few months now
It’s a different feeling,,reality
I tried to stay away from you but your quicksand
The more I try to break free the deeper i fall
I tried to jump off but changed my mind after I let go
Too late to turn back now
Just gotta watch as I come closer to the ground
Everything’s in slow motion
That sickening feeling before the crash
The colors drained from my face its ash
The flames burn the rags I’m wearing
Standing naked nothing to hide my shame
Looking for anything to remind me you were real
A lost sock a piece a paper you wrote on
Something you left behind
How can i keep all this locked inside
Never let him know all these feelings I have for him
I had to learn to be strong
Let them think I can keep it together
When inside I’m really a mess
The blades call my name but I pretend I don’t hear
I don’t want them to give me release from this fear
If I close my eyes I can escape this dance
For the devil is a hard leader to follow
Free my soul let me breathe
I’m suffocating the air is thick
He doesn’t know how much he took
He didn’t know how hard it was to let him in
I walk in my bedroom the air is cold
I guess that comes with being alone
I still have that recording
Of us talking to ghosts
Of us being silly
Just being me and you
I listen when I’m having a bad day
End up laughing remembering how much I loved you
I bet you always knew you’d leave
Time will erase this emptiness that you left
This cut will heal but the scar will remind of better days long gone
Of a time when we were singing the same song

02/03/13-#2

You don’t know how close I come to driving by your home
Just to catch a glimpse of you but fear of the unknown
Keeps me from acting crazy, obsessive
Thoughts I keep at bay
Knowing it would only push you away
Knowing if I saw you with her
Nothing could tame that hurt
Ignorance is better
Pretending there’s nothing wrong
Writing it down helpsmy heart to learn
Life is unpredictable
With love comes hate
Smiles, tears
Joy, pain
It’s a never ending cycle
Ill get through this
Once my blurred vision becomes clear
Once my eyes dry from these damn tears
I almost do a lot of things
I want to I really do
Everytime I stop myself it gets harder
No reply when I text you
Pushes the knife deeper
Waiting for a sign a glimmer of hope
I have to confess I did this to you
Pushed you away the same
If this is my punishment ive served my time
Learned my lesson I just want another try
If you hate me let me know
Without that I can’t let go
I’m not playing games now
I’m fighting for my life
I’ve cleaned up the mess I made
How can you go from loving me
To not even saying goodbye
I see pictures and your smiling
I guess it’s good you can move on so quickly
And leave me behind picking up the pieces
Of what’s left of my broken heart
I thought id been down this road before
Thought I’d learned not to let anyone in
With walls broke down
I’m thinking of leaving this town
Im so done I’m over this thing love
It isn’t worth the pain
All it does is drain
The life from my chest
And even at its best
It’s just a mystery