02/08/13

I didn’t sleep last night
I stayed up thinking about how terrified I am
How I feel destined for abandonment
Unworthy of lasting happiness
I bring a lot of it on myself
Afraid of being hurt so I push away when I develop strong feelings
Trusting someone enough to put my heart in their hands
Vulnerable, it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling for me
I guess I don’t expect anyone to understand
I don’t even myself
I was wondering why am I evading commitment
Am I so sure that no one could ever love me enough to stay forever
I’m not looking anymore
It’s a game I unintentionally play.
I have enough to keep me busy
I don’t need love, I just want it
I always tell my kids “you don’t always get what you want”
Time to take my own advise
Questions I ask I don’t want to know the answers
This feels like a disease I’d rather have cancer
I find strength where I thought was just weakness
The sun shines for you here is just bleakness
I pray to God but its a one way conversation
I’m hungry for life I’m on the edge of starvation
I just want to feel something true something complete
It won’t rise to the surface for its buried too deep
Just when I thought time erased all my pain
Put the past in the past but it’s still not the same
I wish I could get a second chance
To meet you for the first time and start over again
Forget my insecurities chase after every dream
I wonder right now where would we be
Would your arms be around me my head on your chest
Feel the depths of your heartbeat your kisses on my neck
Fingertips would be lightly tracing my skin
I remember every detail I can go there again
You left me with memories and your things in a drawer
How I wanted much more
Desperately moving from room to room
Fighting my demons and they all look like you
I feel like a hostage please set me free
This prison has bound me i need a key
The knife slowly slides deep in my heart
Intolerable anguish is tearing me apart
I have things unspoken that stay silent in my head
Things you’ll never know until after I’m dead
The problem with keeping it all locked inside
Is no one ever realizes the answer to the “Why?”
The smile that I wear feels like fire on my face
But it serves a useful purpose so it’s kinda hard to erase
Don’t want to hear unwanted questions
Don’t care to explain how much is wrong
I just keep it deep inside my mind like a song that never is sung