Forget Your Worries

Forget your worries, smile today.
Let the rain wash your tears away.
Your beautiful just the way you are.
Even if you fade like a falling star.
Don’t think about tomorrow.
Don’t think about the past.
Just here and now is where your living at.
Don’t pick that flower, step over that ant.
Think maybe you can instead of you can’t.
Your never ever truly alone.
Look down at your side, there’s a hand you can hold.
Your special, unique, and that’s what makes you, you.
In the stillness of this moment your unbreakable too.
If you’d only lift your eyes up,
if you’d only stop to see.
All the strength it took to get here,
you have everything you need.
Yours scars just say your human.
Admitting your weak doesn’t make you frail.
Maybe, you can be that shoulder to cry on.
When somebody else is going through hell.
To feel the deepest emotions;
Many will never get to do
but you know how to treasure a smile.
For it seems there’s always so few.
So today, forget your worries.
Let the rain wash your tears away.
For your beautiful just the way you are
and I hope you never will change.

Turn the page

Turn the page, keep on writing
This spell on me is ever binding
The passion that is in my soul
Not through my lips but my fingers told
Travel through uncharted waters
The currents my map I do not halter
Just take each blow though I’m still standing
The bruises prove the hits are landing
Forget the wishes I use to have
Blindly move forward no lights on this path
Throwing pennies but missing the well
Aimed for heaven but ended in hell
Filled up with pain but always am silent
You tore me apart no way to deny it

Something my brother wrote when my husband died

I don’t in any way step on people’s personal rights to believe or not to believe in what they want. I just wanted to share this because I read it today and am impulsive I guess, lol

You have to click on the red july2008 below to read

July,2008

Despair

Time does not heal. It only fades the outward scar that onlookers see. The damage underneath and the heartbreak never leave. it is just less noticeable to others.

Wanting more

I want more. To be beautiful. To look in a mirror and be satisfied. Maybe if I go on a zero calorie diet I can achieve some sense of self acceptance. I never feel good enough. Not just in life but in physical appearance which is trite to most but confidence is something that was taken away from me years ago and again recently.

I want someone to love and to love me through it all. Like my grandparents who are 92 and 90. Been married 70 years. My grandma (nana) has Alzheimer’s and my (pop pop) and been by her side daily. I want that. I would trade my eternal destiny, my entire soul, to find someone who adores me. The real me, faults and all. And there’s plenty of those, lmfao 🙂 so here is a pic of what I believe and wish everyone could have. COMMITMENT.

Stay with me

Stay with me
Sleep every night in my bed
Stay with me
Devote yourself to the love that we had
I was wrong now I see it
You deserve more
This I believe in
But I’m selfish
I went to extremes
Wanted to see If you believed in me
But you ran like the others
When my scars were uncovered
When the truth became muddled
Inside of me
Why did I meet you
If not to love you
To try to trust you
You don’t know how that was all I had left to give
I keep on forgetting
You’ve moved on I was nothing
Holding on to the normal
Splash my face with cold water
Another night with no sleep
I’m like a drone but with a face
I can’t become what you need
I can’t provide something you’ll keep
Just knock me down
I’m better on my knees
Stains on my wrists remind me I still bleed
Fighting with ghosts
Speaking to spirits
Just leave me alone
Just let me be
I don’t want this part of you
And you don’t understand
Burning incense in my room
Burning desires in my bed
I cannot seem to shake you
Your always in my head
Doctors fill me up with pills
Drown my sorrows like all the others do
The poison is taking a toll on me
It’s blurry I can hardly see
Take your hands off my neck
I can hardly breathe
You’ll likely be the death of me

Unhappy Mother’s Day

So once again I come here with pen in hand
Try to make sense of this madness that never ends
Pain is an endless journey I have embarked
Unlike most who allow it to take control of their lives
To attempt to kill the pain or allow it to kill them
But I chose to use the pain
I have learned how to break the torment, the heartless lies told by predators to their prey
I will break this world before it breaks me
My pain is my strength
I never intended to hurt you
But sometimes it was just so unbearable that I would push it out of my body onto you
So that even just for a brief minute
I could have a moment of relief
If I would only find myself talking to myself more than listening to myself I would probably have healthier thoughts
Your love poisoned me slowly
Odorless, tasteless, colorless, and I never saw it coming
Until it was too late
Until you had infiltrated every pore of my being
Until the day my heart stopped beating
Have you ever been torn between two choices
But you know the outcome whichever you choose is unhappiness
It’s like being six feet under and trying to catch a ray of sunshine
Can’t happen
Sometimes it’s hard to remember a time when I was happy
Surely there had to be at least one day of happiness in my life,right?
It seems like there are so many people like me but I have to pay for everything
And the interest is breaking me
No, I take that back, it has broken me.
Some things should not have consequences
Love
Why do I have to pay dearly for it
As if my own life is predestined for unspeakable torture
A friend asked me today
Why do I do what I do
I told her because if I don’t it will catch me
What? She asked
The unhappiness I am trying to escape from

Taking a break

I am going to take a break from writing for a little bit, I feel i have indulged too much of myself and i am uncomfortable opening up to the thoughts and feelings that some may view as weird or just insane. Not that i care what people think of me. I am who I am but I will still write in my journal just not post for a bit. I having a rough time as I have for years now but it’s escalating and I don’t know How much words will be interpreted. I appreciate the comments they really mean a lot to me. Ill be back soon but I just wanted to leave you with a quote:

Just a thought

Tell me, tell me is there ever going to be a change?
Show me, show me how to feel again I’m numb inside.
Just a spark is all I need to start a fire
To burn away this pain
But the truth is getting in the way
So ill have to make it to one more day

I can hear what your saying
Without you making a sound
The truth under the lies your telling
What you tried to hide I found
You pulled away when I tried to get closer
Broke me in pieces when I was finally whole
Erased me completely not even a memory
Left me empty inside my heart is stole

My life is broken my body is scarred
My eyes are blinded to this beautiful world
Blinking in the darkness looking for light
If I concentrate hard enough maybe I can get through this time
Maybe even make a fight worth fighting
Pain worth savoring
Life worth living
Joy worth holding
Never mind I was wrong
Ill always be alone
From the ground looking up
It doesn’t seem so far
To fly off to a better place
Find a new forsaken star

Angel

She was an angel with a broken wing
You held her hand you heard her sing
You saw beyond the feathers on the ground
Made her feel like somehow she really belonged
You collected her tears when the diamonds fell
You held her up when she was falling to hell
She was your curse you were her savior
But nothing you did ever seemed to matter
For alone she sat on a distant cloud
Afraid of the height for she’d surely fall down
For wings don’t mend with time or care
And her eyes she cast down so to avoid all the stares
She wondered what it’d feel like to just let go
To hit the ground hard and not have to know
That she’d never fit in with the ones who could soar
Feel the breeze on her face or to land on the shore
So she cut off her wings and as her blood poured
She was thankful to not have to wake anymore