11:22

I can’t take my memories
And make them real again
And when I call your name
There’s no answer
Just echoes running through my head

I can’t erase the pain you’ve caused me
I can’t put the rain back in the clouds
Can’t take back the scars created
My empty bed dissolves any doubts

loneliness forges the walls created
Not made of wood but iron and steel
There are not any hidden pathways
Or any keys you could possibly steal

The curse of remembering fondly
Bites more deadly than ever allowed
Time does not heal
It’s so condescending
Knocking me down it prefers me to kneel

Believing the distance that now is between us
Could ever be bridged again
Is like trying to follow your footprints
After the waves washed up over the sand

Questions ill never have answered
They’ll go with me right to my grave
What sweet release to be free from this disaster
Free at last no longer enslaved

3:50am

Write it down I want to read
What you really think about me
Take your time do not erase
Leave every word in its place
Start with how you heard my name
And end it with my being insane
And tell me how you read all about
My life like a book that fell off a shelf
What went through your mind when I wanted to die
Could you relate to those feelings I didn’t hide
Did I scare you a little did I scare you a lot
Did I sound like someone who was best just forgot
Did you laugh with my pleasure
Did you cry with my tears
Did you understand at all the reason I was here
Did you miss me in my silence
Did you wonder how I was
Did you get inside this head of mine
Feel the anguish and all that it does
I wish I could tell another story
One that ended with dreams coming true
But that would require a different lifetime
And we were never promised two
I want to hear what you show to no one
I want your secrets whispered in my ear
I want to enter into your being
Blend together what’s left of our years
So wont you tell me what your thinking
Don’t leave out not a single detail
I know I come across with weakness
I know you know Im just frail
Pick me apart pull out all my feathers
I won’t need them anymore anyway
The burdens to heavy to lift off this cold earth
And my strength has withered away

6/30/13

You asked me why I’m leaving
Why I can’t stay another day
It’s not leaving that I’m doing
Rather I’m just running away
Am I running towards something I want
Or leaving something behind
Afraid to admit that I want you
Afraid to make you mine
I can’t stay not even a moment
For the ice is getting thin
Hearing the cracks
I stop and stumble
Am I going to sink or swim
Forgetting is easy your almost a memory
Your name I do not recognize
Closing my eyes the blindness is soothing
Reality brings your torment of lies
Go ahead try to tell me I’m bluffing
Say what you want I don’t care anymore
I’ve put you away where you cannot harm me
I traded my soul for this life that was ours
If I’m going to hell then you cannot come with me
I do not explain all this pain that I’m in
With nothing is how it was entered
And with nothing is how it will end

6/27/13

I’m going on
I’m merely existing
Realized long ago
There won’t be happy endings
Closing my eyes
To shut out your face
But the darkness won’t hide
Things I wished could be erased
Watching all the people
With their smiles on their faces
Keep myself together
Never showing any traces
Forgetting isn’t easy
When your everywhere i turn
What more can I get rid of
There’s nothing left for me to burn
Alone and yes I choose it
I won’t make that mistake again
Won’t let my guard down for one moment
Won’t spare your feelings with pretends
Where I go It does not matter
For you left me long ago
I laid some flowers on the cold ground
And kissed your name engraved in stone

You cannot just have a piece of me

There is soo much more to me than I allow most people to see. I will keep a part of myself hidden for I have learned through experience that it is unlovable. You can love the way my hand feels in yours, the way I will care for you when your sick, even the way I tickle your toes with mine. My soft words of encouragement when your down, my laugh, my sincere words “I love you”, those are lovable. But the way I don’t sleep at night, to hear me cry in my sleep from the nightmares, my distant personality, you don’t want to know that part of me. I need someone who is able to love me as a whole, not just parts. So it’s best to just walk away, because to love and be abandoned is a lesson you don’t want to learn. But if you do, I hope it is a lot less painful for you than it was for me.