07/23/13

Little girl you grew so quickly
Seems like things have changed soo much
From the dreams you wished that could be
From the innocence of love

Little child don’t you shed tears
For in you there was such hope
Although the storms are raging bitter
Your not quite at the end of your rope

Beautiful stranger I thought I knew you
For we use to share one mind
But somehow I guess I lost you
Sands run out, there’s no more time

Unbreakable spirit that you once had
Untouchable plans that never came through
So close to having it perfected
Until fate decided to spew

Despise not my foolish ambitions
I tried to hear your voice deep inside
Against my will you faded completely
I couldn’t keep you even if I had tried

But each day I look in the mirror
Hidden deep down inside of me
I see your reflection distinctly
Wish I knew how to set you free

Yet we are both still here
The time has not yet come for our demise
Though darkness is ever near
This too will pass it’s only a guise

When I lost him that’s when I lost me
I try to hide it from a world that doesn’t understand
Everything I knew and loved was taken away
A memory of a life that used to be planned

I speak quietly now in a whisper
My chest closes and it’s soo hard to breathe
Why can’t this feeling be fleeting?
Without bringing me to my knees?

To remain socially invisible
Only seen by eyes like my own
Reality gone living in illusions
Afraid nothing’s left unknown

My mind tramples my words as they come out
Changes the course of my fate
I thought I was done, decided to bow out
And I had even set a date

Cursing the sun that shows imperfections
Provides ammunition to fuel the desire
Remaining unhinged despite the deceptions
Blowing the smoke from my burning cigar

If you hear me, I’m calling, I’m begging
Suck this poison out of my brain
Your the one thing I still believe in
Please make it all go away

Frightened, alone, and abandoned
Curtains closing, my eyes growing dim
Underneath pretense, your merely a shadow
A reminder of what could have been

Take this burden from me
Faltering words won’t come at all
Convince me that there is someone
Waiting down there to cushion the fall

For every fragment that was dug out from me
And every wound with its blood pouring down
Torched my dreams and the ashes are dissipating
My last ragged breath produces no sound

Changing tides

There’s a space-been erased in my heart that’s hollow
Memories dissipate-can’t retrace or foresee tomorrow
Taken back to the days where our love never knew sorrow
Now your gone-slipped away-there’s no trail to follow

Fought to breathe-left for dead
Yesterday haunts me in my head
Giving up-letting go
Taking back promises I told

I’m almost cutting the rope
Not holding on to false hope
Insatiable is your hold
Can’t reword what’s already told

Incurable disease is eating away my soul
Distressed actions flow forth from what hasn’t been sold
Waiting, biding my time til I’m numb from the cold
Tearing apart the reasons that never were told
Kiss me with your lifeless lips
Let me enter in that void
Fallen off flesh-my hands are stained
Keep me here til I’m destroyed

Hold me down no room to breathe
Carve into my body I won’t scream
Tracks I lay upon and wait for the rattle
No second thoughts turning back now is futile
Empty hollow voids where my eyes use to be
Heightened sense of feeling with my fingers I can see
Parade of fools where are they going
Bound tightly to their cause
If they think that love’s the answer
When they lose it, they will starve
Come undone, forgive the wrongs
Put a crown upon your head
You wear it well, your chest swells
But your living in a cell
A prison without a key
Soon you’ll see- don’t laugh to loud
He’ll come to take your smile
Life’s not fair and you’ll be scared
When the reaper comes to tear
Your castle down
Don’t cry those tears in front of me
I told you all along
Put the words into a rhythm and sang them into a song
So now you want to hear me
Need some advice from me to you?
Then listen up-I’m saying it quick
Don’t blink twice or you will miss

Whispering echoes linger on my ear
His voice, his touch, I can get so very near
The air turns cold yet a fire burns in me
Knowing all that’s left is all there’ll ever be
I cut my hair I cut my arms
Wrap them up gotta hide the harm
Relinquish your claim
It’s dark inside here
I’m convulsing from this anger
I want to remember who I use to be
I need release to be set free
Please don’t be mad
I love you so
No love left for me, that debt I still owe

I cannot find words right now

I cannot sleep again. It would seem like I’ve spent all of my energy so I wouldn’t think that it would be a problem. This Wednesday marks the four year mark from where I began this downward spiral. The day I lost it all. It seems like just yesterday he was here. Time has remained still. If that wasn’t enough to throw me off this month, my grandma had a major stroke last Sunday and I am waiting to hear of her passing. She cannot eat or drink and has a living will preventing tube feedings. Is there anyone in my life I will not have to say goodbye to? I really can’t keep doing this. I am already running on fumes and to face another loss now? Who do I lean on for support? I have never felt so alone. At times I am glad to not have make conversations on useless topics that do not indulge my brain to use itself. But at times like these, I need someone to talk to. I can’t even begin to write, which is my escape from solitude. The words are stuck in my heart and I am confused and full of anxiety. I thought it couldn’t get worse, you know, than losing your husband. But when I really need him to comfort me, is when the reality of being left alone hits hard. I did not mean to write a bunch of “pity me” crap. I’ll close with one final thought:
In the words of William Shakespeare,
“Hell is empty and all the Devils are here.”

11:22

I can’t take my memories
And make them real again
And when I call your name
There’s no answer
Just echoes running through my head

I can’t erase the pain you’ve caused me
I can’t put the rain back in the clouds
Can’t take back the scars created
My empty bed dissolves any doubts

loneliness forges the walls created
Not made of wood but iron and steel
There are not any hidden pathways
Or any keys you could possibly steal

The curse of remembering fondly
Bites more deadly than ever allowed
Time does not heal
It’s so condescending
Knocking me down it prefers me to kneel

Believing the distance that now is between us
Could ever be bridged again
Is like trying to follow your footprints
After the waves washed up over the sand

Questions ill never have answered
They’ll go with me right to my grave
What sweet release to be free from this disaster
Free at last no longer enslaved

3:50am

Write it down I want to read
What you really think about me
Take your time do not erase
Leave every word in its place
Start with how you heard my name
And end it with my being insane
And tell me how you read all about
My life like a book that fell off a shelf
What went through your mind when I wanted to die
Could you relate to those feelings I didn’t hide
Did I scare you a little did I scare you a lot
Did I sound like someone who was best just forgot
Did you laugh with my pleasure
Did you cry with my tears
Did you understand at all the reason I was here
Did you miss me in my silence
Did you wonder how I was
Did you get inside this head of mine
Feel the anguish and all that it does
I wish I could tell another story
One that ended with dreams coming true
But that would require a different lifetime
And we were never promised two
I want to hear what you show to no one
I want your secrets whispered in my ear
I want to enter into your being
Blend together what’s left of our years
So wont you tell me what your thinking
Don’t leave out not a single detail
I know I come across with weakness
I know you know Im just frail
Pick me apart pull out all my feathers
I won’t need them anymore anyway
The burdens to heavy to lift off this cold earth
And my strength has withered away

6/30/13

You asked me why I’m leaving
Why I can’t stay another day
It’s not leaving that I’m doing
Rather I’m just running away
Am I running towards something I want
Or leaving something behind
Afraid to admit that I want you
Afraid to make you mine
I can’t stay not even a moment
For the ice is getting thin
Hearing the cracks
I stop and stumble
Am I going to sink or swim
Forgetting is easy your almost a memory
Your name I do not recognize
Closing my eyes the blindness is soothing
Reality brings your torment of lies
Go ahead try to tell me I’m bluffing
Say what you want I don’t care anymore
I’ve put you away where you cannot harm me
I traded my soul for this life that was ours
If I’m going to hell then you cannot come with me
I do not explain all this pain that I’m in
With nothing is how it was entered
And with nothing is how it will end

6/27/13

I’m going on
I’m merely existing
Realized long ago
There won’t be happy endings
Closing my eyes
To shut out your face
But the darkness won’t hide
Things I wished could be erased
Watching all the people
With their smiles on their faces
Keep myself together
Never showing any traces
Forgetting isn’t easy
When your everywhere i turn
What more can I get rid of
There’s nothing left for me to burn
Alone and yes I choose it
I won’t make that mistake again
Won’t let my guard down for one moment
Won’t spare your feelings with pretends
Where I go It does not matter
For you left me long ago
I laid some flowers on the cold ground
And kissed your name engraved in stone

You cannot just have a piece of me

There is soo much more to me than I allow most people to see. I will keep a part of myself hidden for I have learned through experience that it is unlovable. You can love the way my hand feels in yours, the way I will care for you when your sick, even the way I tickle your toes with mine. My soft words of encouragement when your down, my laugh, my sincere words “I love you”, those are lovable. But the way I don’t sleep at night, to hear me cry in my sleep from the nightmares, my distant personality, you don’t want to know that part of me. I need someone who is able to love me as a whole, not just parts. So it’s best to just walk away, because to love and be abandoned is a lesson you don’t want to learn. But if you do, I hope it is a lot less painful for you than it was for me.

Forget Your Worries

Forget your worries, smile today.
Let the rain wash your tears away.
Your beautiful just the way you are.
Even if you fade like a falling star.
Don’t think about tomorrow.
Don’t think about the past.
Just here and now is where your living at.
Don’t pick that flower, step over that ant.
Think maybe you can instead of you can’t.
Your never ever truly alone.
Look down at your side, there’s a hand you can hold.
Your special, unique, and that’s what makes you, you.
In the stillness of this moment your unbreakable too.
If you’d only lift your eyes up,
if you’d only stop to see.
All the strength it took to get here,
you have everything you need.
Yours scars just say your human.
Admitting your weak doesn’t make you frail.
Maybe, you can be that shoulder to cry on.
When somebody else is going through hell.
To feel the deepest emotions;
Many will never get to do
but you know how to treasure a smile.
For it seems there’s always so few.
So today, forget your worries.
Let the rain wash your tears away.
For your beautiful just the way you are
and I hope you never will change.

Turn the page

Turn the page, keep on writing
This spell on me is ever binding
The passion that is in my soul
Not through my lips but my fingers told
Travel through uncharted waters
The currents my map I do not halter
Just take each blow though I’m still standing
The bruises prove the hits are landing
Forget the wishes I use to have
Blindly move forward no lights on this path
Throwing pennies but missing the well
Aimed for heaven but ended in hell
Filled up with pain but always am silent
You tore me apart no way to deny it