Pain

Why can’t it just be over already
I don’t want to say hi anymore
You smile and tell me about your family you’re seeing
I’m sitting here holding back tears
I will leave again
With my tail between my legs
Head held down strength all gone
POISEN coming out of my mouth
Presents all opened
None for me
Not that I care
There’s no one I love
He’s gone away
Can I have him wrapped in ribbons and bows
Then there would be nothing I would want anyway
Just let me be
Pill poppin away
Take away my feelings
Ready to slice, cut, anything to erase this pain
The waves crash over my head
I cannot breathe
Cannot see through the mire
The darkness hides the ugliness
Haven’t slept
Haven’t ate
Have no hugs my pain to take
Grant me this one remaining wish
Easier death than to live
Life is no gift

Something my brother wrote when my husband died

I don’t in any way step on people’s personal rights to believe or not to believe in what they want. I just wanted to share this because I read it today and am impulsive I guess, lol

You have to click on the red july2008 below to read

July,2008

You broke me
I realize this now
I didn’t understand why I was having problems
But it all makes sense to me now
Glueing back together
The pieces on the ground
The shards they cut so deeply
To many to count they all cannot be found
Loneliness is something I live with
Though my house has many inside
Put on a facade they don’t know what I’m wearing
They never see the tears that I hide
Desperate to feel something
Other than this bleakness you left me in
Try to write down to figure out reasons
But there’s not enough ink in my pen
Cannot speak in the language your using
My dialect is foreign to you
Dictionaries don’t have correct meanings
Nothing I say can make sense to you
Your hold is a vice around my heart
Tighter it grows with each gasping breath
I pretend to be somewhere far away
Drive myself to where you’d always stay
Look for your eyes in the faces of strangers
Hear your voice growing weaker
Feel your touch from a distant memory
Grasp for the chance to open you up to me
How I want to run but would you go with me
I’d go anywhere if you promised you never leave
It’s been months but I still believe
That you are the one who was made for me
Desperate for truth I seek out the answer
Looking for ways to get past all your laughter
I’m just a grain of sand on a beach full of pebbles
Replaced so easily I understand
That the words that you said they meant nothing to you
How quickly I fell for the lie I believed was you
You should get an award
you did what no one else could do
It’s been a living hell with the absence of you
Didn’t get a goodbye just a pocket of tears
Didn’t get to hold on to anything
But a life full of regrets
Cleaning out my closet
Boxing things I’d think they’d want
Little pieces worth nothing
To remember the person they lost
I’m Slowly putting it all together
The plans coming to an end
Living is the death of me
And this they don’t understand

April 7th, 2013

The sun is shiny today and we topped 73 degrees :)))

Happy Easter :)

Snowy night

03/04/13

Gonna run away from myself,
Go somewhere new
Far behind this place I now abode
Back to where it was safe
Try to forget your face
Stop from forgetting the reasons
Cut out the things that are treason
Isn’t much left.
Is that really all there is to me
A couple more hours and I won’t be able to see
Drowning my sorrows one mistake at a time
Pretty soon they’ll all be left behind
Somewhere between the nights that don’t end
And the days that never begin
Inflamed my conscience with your icy words of hate
Turned the tables we didn’t leave anything to fate
Making my words run together
I can’t get it straight
I can’t go any further
Standing in front of a broken gate
Stealing dreams from a girl I once knew
I should have let her go on believing in a chance they’d come true
I’ve nothing to say to you
Just drops of ink on a page
That will fade with the moon in the sunrise
No other choice it’s already thrown away
Drifted quietly but now the currents swift
I think it pulling me towards a cliff
Nothing to hold onto
Nothing to grasp
I just close my eyes and start to relax
As hard as I try I end up at the beginning
It’s a steep mountain slope
I can’t help from sliding
Empty my mind empty my heart
Sew these pieces back together that you tore apart
Try to speak but hear no words
Driving fast but going nowhere
Flashing lights as darkness fades in
Cannot escape,caught up in this nightmare
Closing the door I should have left open
Binding it up with locks and keys
Remembering things, best left forgotten
Visions I don’t want to see
Shallow is the air I cannot inhale deeply
Cutting the poison out of my veins
Sticks and stones though never may break me
Keep knocking me down over and over again
What do I do with these pieces all shattered
Where can I go to lay down my head
Forgetting all things that once really mattered
Stealing my life when I’m not even dead
Though I am now to you
I won’t even answer
I won’t come around anymore to your door
I won’t say your name in the heat of our pleasure
Ive been erased you remember me no more

02/21/13

So you called me up
Didn’t think you would
You gave up on us
So now I don’t understand
I spent two long months
Trying to figure shit out
I was finally down
With the fact you weren’t coming back

Cause when I lost you
I couldn’t figure out who I was too
Crazy don’t describe the things I would do
Lost and didn’t have a clue

Cause I was in too deep
Couldn’t find my way out
Had my heart in your hands
And now I’m forever damned
Something good we were
Was like nothing I’d ever felt
And I don’t want it to end
But I guess I’m not in your plans
The best love that I never had

Nights
go
by
and I’m getting use to
This
cold
bed
if you would just stay
out
my
head
I could maybe get a little sleep
Days
drag
on
and you would think that since
your
long
gone
I’d go out on the streets and find
A
New
Love
But baby that isn’t me

Cause when I lost you
I couldn’t figure out who I was too
Crazy dont describe the things I would do
I didn’t even have a clue

Cause I was in too deep
Couldn’t find my way out
Had my heart in your hands
And now I’m forever damned
Something good we were
Was like nothing I’d ever felt
And I don’t want it to end
But I guess I’m not in your plans
The best love that I never had

02/16/03

Whisper in my ear
Tell me all your secrets
Don’t be afraid to let me hear
Pull the skeletons out of your closets

Look me in the eye
Let me see deep into your soul
Every part do not deny
Let go of self control

Give all your tears to me
Let me drink them slowly in
Ill take the burden off your back
Ill forgive your every sin

Undress yourself in front of me
Slowly peel off every layer
Don’t shy away I want to see
Your beauty’s uncomparable

Open your heart unlock every part
Withhold not a beat from me
Bound by your essence I cannot depart
Nothing I do will change anything

Give me your love don’t leave me empty handed
I’m running in circles trying to find the proof
All the while, I find myself stranded
Don’t want to have to face the truth

So wont you please just whisper in my ear

02/11/13

What happens when you forget who you are
You look in the mirror and see a stranger
Even my eyes hold a distant look- like their from another face
Doing the daily routine but it’s like I’m watching a play
But missing the pieces to fill the empty space
Forgetting how to smile, forgetting how to care
Especially since there is no one else here
I’ve turned into a recluse-I talk to noone
Music is my only escape
Listen to the same songs on repeat
Every night when I’m running the streets
Looking for forgiveness
I need to make up for hurting someone I love
But somehow my words aren’t nearly enough
I guess sometimes it’s not me that burns bridges
So I cannot get to him to repair all the damage
I finally realize he really doesn’t care
So I have no choice but to rid this despair
Forget the past/forget the future is what they tell me
But there’s nothing here emptiness is all I see
My eyes have run dry I’ve given up on love
Time cannot erase this despair I can’t get out of
Just a promise and a small little dream
Is more than I deserve it must be extreme
Settle for nothing sleep all alone
Try to be satisfied in the building I call home
Get up early go to bed late
Dream all my nightmares that keep me awake
Im not permitted to find rest most nights
I am afraid to close my eyes
In fear of what the dreams will hold
What goes on inside is out of my control
Resisting the urge to quench this flame
Just sit and stare out the window frame
There’s a piece of me missing that you didn’t give back
There’s a hole on my heart not some little crack
Ill make sense of this chaos unaided by you
Repair every puncture, all this poison I’ll spew
I can see a little clearer, now I’m up off my knees
Id been fighting against a cyclone, now its just a gentle breeze You weren’t just jotted down in pencil some memory easily erased
You are carved into my soul, now it’s forever defaced
I enjoy the suns warmth even when covered with clouds
I can enjoy a quiet moment when in the midst of a crowd
The moon does not to be full for me to enjoy her beauty,
Just like the flower can turn my head when it’s petals are droopy
Ive learned a lesson or two, on the back of every mistake
Things I’ve wanted to hold on to I’ve had to forsake
Although I’m at the surface and I’m able to stay afloat
I’m no longer drowning but don’t have the strength to build a boat