New Beginnings

Every day I think a new page has turned in the book of my life.
I wonder will I smile today?
Does anyone care?
And I try really hard not to live in the past.
I know you are gone. No one needs to remind me of that.
The emptiness that you left behind remains,,
Un filled,,
Corroding at the very essence of my soul.
I still have dreams and desires.
If I was honest I would admit that I still find it impossible to forget yesterday’s hopes.
I haven’t yet released them.
To sail away out of sight,, out of grasp,, watch them disappear.
I can’t keep you for you’re already gone.
I’m frightened without you.
I don’t know how to start over.
Everything slips through my fingers.
I’m broken.
I just really miss you.
Xoxo

Winter cold

I want to remember everything you said to me
Even the beautiful lies that you led me to believe
Forever together
Nothing’s further from the truth
You sounded like an angel
When those words came out of you
Where would we be if life was fair
If stories never ended
If your soul the reaper spared?
Maybe I wouldn’t understand how to love
If the breaking of my heart hadn’t hurt ever this much
But your eyes still they haunt me
I still see you there, you know
When you come and walk beside me
Through the hollow nights I have come to know
We should have built that treehouse
Slept underneath the stars
Talked away the midnight hours
You should be holding me in your arms
And our daughter, what a treasure,
She has a gentleness to which none can compare
You should have seen her sparkle
In the dress she chose to wear
Your boy is the spitting image
Maybe that’s why I hold him so tight
I can see in the way he carries himself
He’s gonna turn out to be alright
But me, I’m just a loner
Driven by insatiable train of thoughts
Always reaching out to find you
Always forgetting it is me that is lost
Lost and going in circles
Frightened every corner I turn
And I’m desperately searching for something
But it slips away every time I try to hold
The cards are dealt among us
Why do I raise when I know I should fold
I’m fading along with your memory
Like this broken heart you long ago stole

Pain

Why can’t it just be over already
I don’t want to say hi anymore
You smile and tell me about your family you’re seeing
I’m sitting here holding back tears
I will leave again
With my tail between my legs
Head held down strength all gone
POISEN coming out of my mouth
Presents all opened
None for me
Not that I care
There’s no one I love
He’s gone away
Can I have him wrapped in ribbons and bows
Then there would be nothing I would want anyway
Just let me be
Pill poppin away
Take away my feelings
Ready to slice, cut, anything to erase this pain
The waves crash over my head
I cannot breathe
Cannot see through the mire
The darkness hides the ugliness
Haven’t slept
Haven’t ate
Have no hugs my pain to take
Grant me this one remaining wish
Easier death than to live
Life is no gift

Lunch break

There’s a teardrop falling
Your name it is calling
Only empty echoes of the past
Your leaving you can’t turn back
I should be there but I can’t

Refuse to see you like this
Your standing at the abyss
So much left unsaid
We’ll meet up again when I’m dead
Unanswered prayers fall upon my head

Curse the ones that let you go
Erased my name from their vocabulary so-
They no more require an excuse
Give no reason for a different view
Helped tie the rope into a noose

Push the door closed, bound up and locked
Their memories faded, my gun is loaded and cocked

I stare at the emptiness I can see in my eyes
The reflection seems normal but it’s clearly a disguise

I want to touch something beautiful
Feel some warmth beneath my skin
But blackness clouds everything around me
Forgiveness un granted for all of my sins

My thoughts are fast
My pen is slow
Speaking in circles
Unable to show

I cannot stop it’s surely a disease
It weighs me down I can barely even breathe
Torn apart at the seams
my pretense you believe

Unanswered calls

I do not call
Nor do I answer
Give no reason
For this behavior
Walked away
No chance I’ll look back
Moving forward
Put you in the past
Waste no tears
Though they may free you
From all the pain
I’m bound to put on you
Demons aren’t haunting
Allowed to entered
The burden was too great
Needed released from the fetters
I’m nothing but ashes
Just dust to dust
Lying lips will deceive
Empty heart will corrupt
Even though I am breathing
It is never enough
To relieve the empty feeling
Or replace what is lost
Dangerously close
Writing letters of goodbye
But the numbness overwhelms
There are no tears in my eyes
Questions you’ll never get to ask
No lingering hug no last request
Pray if you must
but God has turned his back
I can’t improvise
The strength that I lack
You have your life
And it’s good so you say
You could never comprehend
Could not live mine
Not a single day
I make it look easy
Put on a phony smile
If you knew me at all
You’d see behind the lies
And I’m tired
of all this pretense
I cannot carry on
this facade of semblance
Words on a page
They don’t even have a chance
Forgot who I am
Just a desperate amnesiac
How do I fix
What goes on in my mind
These words I am writing
Sound like my own demise
I don’t want to continue
But I’m lost and it’s dark
I call for help
But no one answers
I don’t know how to start

Changing tides

There’s a space-been erased in my heart that’s hollow
Memories dissipate-can’t retrace or foresee tomorrow
Taken back to the days where our love never knew sorrow
Now your gone-slipped away-there’s no trail to follow

Fought to breathe-left for dead
Yesterday haunts me in my head
Giving up-letting go
Taking back promises I told

I’m almost cutting the rope
Not holding on to false hope
Insatiable is your hold
Can’t reword what’s already told

Incurable disease is eating away my soul
Distressed actions flow forth from what hasn’t been sold
Waiting, biding my time til I’m numb from the cold
Tearing apart the reasons that never were told
Kiss me with your lifeless lips
Let me enter in that void
Fallen off flesh-my hands are stained
Keep me here til I’m destroyed

Hold me down no room to breathe
Carve into my body I won’t scream
Tracks I lay upon and wait for the rattle
No second thoughts turning back now is futile
Empty hollow voids where my eyes use to be
Heightened sense of feeling with my fingers I can see
Parade of fools where are they going
Bound tightly to their cause
If they think that love’s the answer
When they lose it, they will starve
Come undone, forgive the wrongs
Put a crown upon your head
You wear it well, your chest swells
But your living in a cell
A prison without a key
Soon you’ll see- don’t laugh to loud
He’ll come to take your smile
Life’s not fair and you’ll be scared
When the reaper comes to tear
Your castle down
Don’t cry those tears in front of me
I told you all along
Put the words into a rhythm and sang them into a song
So now you want to hear me
Need some advice from me to you?
Then listen up-I’m saying it quick
Don’t blink twice or you will miss

Whispering echoes linger on my ear
His voice, his touch, I can get so very near
The air turns cold yet a fire burns in me
Knowing all that’s left is all there’ll ever be
I cut my hair I cut my arms
Wrap them up gotta hide the harm
Relinquish your claim
It’s dark inside here
I’m convulsing from this anger
I want to remember who I use to be
I need release to be set free
Please don’t be mad
I love you so
No love left for me, that debt I still owe

08/12/13

Return the light you stole from me
Remove the blindfold I cannot see
You left me here to walk alone
You destroyed the place I knew as home
Listened to my silence
knowing there was pain
Haunted every memory
seemed my loss was your gain
Has it been easy
to go off on your own
Was I replaceable
so easy to disown
You promised you’d never leave me
Actually believed I had nothing to fear
You pulled me from the treacherous currant
Just to watch me drown in my tears
You saved me from my own destruction
Emptied the bullets out of my gun
Then gave me over to a slower corruption
Sharpened the blades so they’d pour out my blood
I didn’t want to come here
Knew too well the price that I’d paid
The only thing standing when I lost all before
Was my body without a name
Couldn’t find in the mirror
Any sign I was here
Couldn’t find my way back to this world
Stuck somewhere between here and there
Ink still wet
Words held back
And though your voice is silenced
I can still hear your song
No longer in my arms
Last breath come and gone

Just one night

I want to see you tonight
Not in a dream or memory
I want to touch your body
Feel your skin one more time
And I don’t care if you use me
Throw me away in the morning
I can’t sleep
Your all i think about
There’s an emptiness inside
That only you can fill
I’m ashamed of what you turned me into
You left pieces out of place
No one understands the puzzle
Your perfection only,this pain can erase
Trespass upon my private soul
I let no one in I let no one know
Being alone is easy to do
When the only one I ever
Wanted was you
Stop my persuasions
Change for me not
What happened between us
Does not matter
I’ve accepted my lot
Intentionally unlocked
Please make this stop
Reason with this one track mind
Doing everything against the grind
Running towards the warning sign
I don’t care about anything right now
I just want you to tell me how
I can get to you
What’s left of you
Is there any part of you
That misses my body
Did you forget completely
Unwind my foolish desires
Shoot down my hopes like a disease
Tie up these unleashed raw emotions
Bury deep all of these needs

Alone

Alone I sit and think
About the days that you were here
Alone I remember
everything i held so near
Don’t cry
it will all aright
Don’t frown
I didn’t mean to bring you down
Withered
just disappearing in front of my eyes
Frightened
of the nothing I feel inside
I won’t go back now
Ill leave the past behind somehow
And leave you there in the wreckage
Ill leave you in the wreckage of my heart
My heart is bruised beyond repair
The scars are fresh
they show no signs of healing
It’s been years and it doesn’t matter
Time holds still
The hourglass is shattered

Silence Broken

Silence broken/ I can hear your voice
It’s just a whisper,yeah, only a little noise
Drivin me crazy/ You wake me from my sleep
Try to forget you,yet, your still in my dreams
Lift up eyes/ Where am I headed now?
Unfamiliar steps moving me backwards somehow
You will not leave/ so I pour you a drink
Time’s not the only thing your killing/tonight your victim is me
Pull me into the memories that would have come to pass
Take me further down the road we traveled/I’m starting to forget
Quench this thirst-even with your poison-you can put this all to rest
Give me something to believe in for I have nothing left
Your name flows easily off these twisted lips
Your beauty never faded/you hold me captive with your kiss
Desperately clinging to hope that isn’t real
Hiding behind my visions reach/the words I utter you steal
Fighting the need to hold you in my arms once more
Cannot break free your hold is evermore
Tearing out the pages from the book you wrote for me
One by one into the fire, I will set my own self free
Tormented in the shadow of the questions never asked
Put my will back on the shelf/where it’s been laying since you left