03/04/13

Gonna run away from myself,
Go somewhere new
Far behind this place I now abode
Back to where it was safe
Try to forget your face
Stop from forgetting the reasons
Cut out the things that are treason
Isn’t much left.
Is that really all there is to me
A couple more hours and I won’t be able to see
Drowning my sorrows one mistake at a time
Pretty soon they’ll all be left behind
Somewhere between the nights that don’t end
And the days that never begin
Inflamed my conscience with your icy words of hate
Turned the tables we didn’t leave anything to fate
Making my words run together
I can’t get it straight
I can’t go any further
Standing in front of a broken gate
Stealing dreams from a girl I once knew
I should have let her go on believing in a chance they’d come true
I’ve nothing to say to you
Just drops of ink on a page
That will fade with the moon in the sunrise
No other choice it’s already thrown away
Drifted quietly but now the currents swift
I think it pulling me towards a cliff
Nothing to hold onto
Nothing to grasp
I just close my eyes and start to relax
As hard as I try I end up at the beginning
It’s a steep mountain slope
I can’t help from sliding
Empty my mind empty my heart
Sew these pieces back together that you tore apart
Try to speak but hear no words
Driving fast but going nowhere
Flashing lights as darkness fades in
Cannot escape,caught up in this nightmare
Closing the door I should have left open
Binding it up with locks and keys
Remembering things, best left forgotten
Visions I don’t want to see
Shallow is the air I cannot inhale deeply
Cutting the poison out of my veins
Sticks and stones though never may break me
Keep knocking me down over and over again
What do I do with these pieces all shattered
Where can I go to lay down my head
Forgetting all things that once really mattered
Stealing my life when I’m not even dead
Though I am now to you
I won’t even answer
I won’t come around anymore to your door
I won’t say your name in the heat of our pleasure
Ive been erased you remember me no more

02/12/13

Wanting, craving , desperately yearning for the ability to express what I feel
To know you understand each word I write and that I can take you to where it is real

Can you hear what I’m not saying? Can you read between the lines? Can you see the pain that I hide deep inside?

If you could pick one memory of mine,to explore to its fullest depths, would it be a happy moment or one of deep regret?

I can show you every laughter, every teardrop, every pain. I could take you to many places you’d never go to again.

I went dancing on a rooftop, I’ve been kissed in the pouring rain, held the hand of a loved one dying, laid to rest my eternal soulmate.

Would you linger on my retention, would you savor every point
Would you still judge me soo harshly
After seeing my world ripped apart?

I keep these all locked for a reason
Never should let anyone see
All the scars and emotional moments
That almost made me lose me

I cannot ever clearly explain
For my talent is but soo small
Id love to eloquently pen it all down
But I fear all I do is just sprawl

Would I find some relief in knowing that you find yourself feeling like me?Would you disappear like others before just be one more absentee?

No I think that it’s wise to keep your eyes blind, just keep living this “normal” facade, but a broken down girl who survived her cruel world at the least should get an applause

02/10/13

In order to be happy I must learn to accept myself. To embrace my flaws and realize that my individuality is what makes me unique. Not try to conform to be like everyone else. Clothing, hair, body size are all ways to show who I am as an individual. I’m not sure why I compare myself to others to determine my self worth. My differences are what make me beautiful. I find myself looking to others to give me completion. I must first be content to be with myself. Sometimes the best friend you can find is inside you. My work entailed hours of solitude in which I find myself having conversations where I am both the narrator and the audience. It often times makes me wonder if that is normal but I have solved many problems that way. Argued different sides to something to come to a conclusion which I can live with. Looking back can also be beneficial. As long as I don’t linger there too long wishing I could go back. But taking what lessons I’ve learned and incorporating them into the now can clarify my thought process. Daily acceptance of things and events going on which are beyond my control makes for a better day. Taking into account the grand picture of our world and realizing that I truly am blessed, even with the mountains to climb and the deserts to cross. To be able to provide for my children, as a widow, where in some countries I would be desolate and have to watch them slowly fade from malnutrition and disease. But it’s easy to turn a blind eye to others misfortunes because many times we just get wrapped up in our own worlds. Which is easy to do as that is where we exist. But every once in awhile we should take time to examine how fortunate we really are and it is then my problems don’t seem so overwhelming. Happiness is a state of mind just like anger, it can be self induced. Taking control over thoughts that are negative before they control me. So today I will be happy, and thankful for the life I have been given. With its rollercoaster ride and gains and losses, it is a good thing. It is too short to waste even a day of it.

02/01/13

You were my strength-the hand that helped me up
You were my Sun-the light that took away the darkness
You were my map-the one that gave me direction
You were my Saturday-the refreshing end to a long hard week
You were my tool-the nail that put me back together
You were my anchor-that kept me from drifting away
You were my hello-when I was only use to goodbye
You were my hope- that tomorrow was going to be better than yesterday
You were my excuse-the reason for my existence
You were my friend-the one I could count on to be there
You were my lover-the perfect touch that left me breathless every time
You are my tears-you are my sleepless nights-you are my dreams-you are my days-you are my thoughts-you are my regrets-you are everything to me

01/31/13

Why do the days seem longer with you out of my life?
Why does the bed seem bigger when I sleep on your side?
When will I see your face again cause i can’t remember how
To smile without you cause there’s no way,no how

I screwed up, gave up, turned the page too fast
When I lost you,forgot who,healed me from my broken past
Now I’m lost here, scared here afraid ill never see the light
Only nightmares, dark fears,I feel so all alone
For a moment, the time spent,made my house feel like a home

So you don’t care and I’m stuck here
Dreaming of your love
You know you broke me like a promise
And didn’t sign your name,just anonymous

Right on my heart, right before I fell apart
I would have given you every part
I felt something new with you,,a spark
Like a target, my heart was the mark

Maybe I should just disappear
Pack my things and move from here
Maybe it would help me forget
Or break this chain of “what could have been”regrets

I hope your happy I really do
I hope all the dreams that you have come true
I hope it never rains and the sun always shines
But Ill never stop wishing you still were mine

Insomnia

My problem is that I think far too much. I over think, I worry, I stress, I remember stuff I should definitely put behind me. My mind has no turn off button at all. Sometimes this is good because I’m always looking for the next step forward, the next thing I have to do. Sometimes it’s super bad because I focus so much on things that went wrong, things I want to change, worrying about how things will pan out. I haven’t slept properly in at least 7 days because I just can’t shut off. I don’t know what’s up but my mind is obviously focused on something. I am mentally and physically exhausted 24/7. I wish I could say it should get better over the holidays but I have so much work to do that I know I’m gonna be just as stressed, only at home rather than here. I just really need to sleep and stay asleep for like a whole night. If I could manage that, just one night I think I’d be ok. Just a whole 8 hours without waking up every hour and then getting up in the morning and not feeling like I’ve even been to sleep. That would be really awesome.
Please turn off brain, just for one night?Life does not always turn out the way you want it too.I amount to nothing. I am not successful. Nor beautiful, inside or out. I do not have a purpose.That awkward moment when you realize how little you mean to anyone.We fall into this daily routine, this boring, repetitive routine. Events change our entire lives but the rest of the world keeps moving, no change. A part of me wants to enjoy the time I have and live it to the fullest, yet another part doesn’t understand why I should bother, why bother for anything because I don’t understand why it matters at all.