Forever isn’t promised

Forever isn’t promised its a given
Ive walked through hell so there must be a heaven
Out of my reach I was far off course
Way out in left field while the ball is thrown to first
Always too late or way too early
Broke the clock against the wall just this morning
Running towards the line
Knowing ill finish last
Wanting to be your tomorrow
But already in your past
Riding with the tank on empty
Rolling the windows down
Ragged breaths come from my core
Turn the music up to drown out the sound
Putting it all on the line
Throwing dice one more time
A storm is coming the flash of light
Chills my soul as day turns night
Time to pay the piper its long overdue
Scribbled your name now it’s you they’ll sue
Read me my rights I don’t follow the rules
There’s no lock that can keep me I’ve got all the tools
Hold it together force a smile force your hand
Stake my claim while taking a stand
Tears stain my cheeks I’m a beautiful mess
Ill take your breath away with a gentle caress
Ask me the right questions and I can pass the test
Overlook all my problems and I’m better than the rest
Gaze through dirty windows and you’ll never see something clear
Toss a coin into a well and your wish isn’t any nearer
Love me now while tomorrow’s forgotten
Kiss my lips while their still ruby red
Tell me you love me while I’m able to hear
Cause I won’t care long after I’m dead

03/06/13

Tell me now that you know
Dressed myself up to shine
I’m not sure i feel
Things I can explain
How can you be the one that was lost
While I’m the one that needs found
These words I toss at you aren’t easy on the ear
This beat of my heart isn’t easy to hear
Threw a curve ball that you didn’t see coming
You can’t steal my love It has to be given
Something inside is trying to get out
Heard my whisper but were deaf to my shouts
Tore up inside scars on my wrists
Blood freely flowed now only drips
Losing this battle but winning the war
Wanted something beautiful but only got gore
Drifting to where you and I collide
Believing all the promises I knew were only lies
Using the bitter when I wanted something sweet
You will never make me complete
Turned away but came back to the fire
Been burned to the core but I just want more
Something about you fills me with desire
I cannot resist you must have conspired
Put me back where you found me
Erase these memories of you
Release this blindfold for I cannot see
Falling for every single thing you do
Trudging through quicksand
Pulling me deeper deeper down
Into your love where I’m destined to drown
It feels familiar but I haven’t known you long
Like I know the words but haven’t heard the song

02/12/13

Wanting, craving , desperately yearning for the ability to express what I feel
To know you understand each word I write and that I can take you to where it is real

Can you hear what I’m not saying? Can you read between the lines? Can you see the pain that I hide deep inside?

If you could pick one memory of mine,to explore to its fullest depths, would it be a happy moment or one of deep regret?

I can show you every laughter, every teardrop, every pain. I could take you to many places you’d never go to again.

I went dancing on a rooftop, I’ve been kissed in the pouring rain, held the hand of a loved one dying, laid to rest my eternal soulmate.

Would you linger on my retention, would you savor every point
Would you still judge me soo harshly
After seeing my world ripped apart?

I keep these all locked for a reason
Never should let anyone see
All the scars and emotional moments
That almost made me lose me

I cannot ever clearly explain
For my talent is but soo small
Id love to eloquently pen it all down
But I fear all I do is just sprawl

Would I find some relief in knowing that you find yourself feeling like me?Would you disappear like others before just be one more absentee?

No I think that it’s wise to keep your eyes blind, just keep living this “normal” facade, but a broken down girl who survived her cruel world at the least should get an applause

01/10/13

Or should I say 4:57 A.M.?? :-((

Bad Dreams Scary Terrors

Bad dreams,, screaming terror, when will itever be over? The darkness compasses me and grips my soul. I’ll never let go. I know the sun is shining but in my world I’m lost in a hole. Only shadows of a life long gone keep me alive. I cannot forget I cannot take one more step. All I can do is lay here and wait for death to come. Death does not scare me I beg for it but it does not hear me. Maybe if I was to bleed a little quicker maybe if I was to cut a little deeper. I would find my eternal rest. Peace is something that eludes me. It is not a word that has any meaning. Just a nice thought for those who can forget who can leave behind their soul and continue in a mindless state of utopia where there is no hurting. I hurt I suffer I am in a living hell every single breath I take it just keeps going, it won’t stop so I carry on in this nightmare wishing for a way to put out this life. Like a burning match everything has an ending. Except for me who has been cursed to live a life of emptiness where nothing matters anymore. Cursed to put on a smile and pretend to be someone I’m not. Forced to continue when I don’t want to. But someday I won’t be able to live this charade anymore and then I’ll be gone. That day is coming and that is what I am waiting for,,, forever waiting.living a charade that you would believe to be real. I’ve learned how to be an actor.what more can I do? What is left of me but a shell filled with nothing how can you get a drink when the glass is empty. I thirst for meaning I yearn for something anything other than this. I will remain here until my lifeless exsistance is done. Until my sentance is satisfied I don’t know what crime I have committed but I know I am living in a cell without any hope of release. I wipe my own eyes and I hold myself when I sleep. Sleep does not come easy and is filled with terrors that I cannot get away from I cannot outrun myself. If I could just go back, I would not be here now. People surround me but I’m alone forever broken forever burning in this unimaginable place you will never see. And if you ever happen to come here turn around and run as fast as you can because it’s like quicksand it pulls you in as u try to escape. Fighting is futile I just wait for it to compress me under where your hands can’t pull me back to safety. I stand on the edge with the wind blowing, pushing me to just fall, realease myself once and for all. I’m trying to hold on but I’m broken my hands don’t hold and my legs are weak I don’t know how much longer I will be able to hang on. The hourglass is emptying ive tried to break it but it is undestructable the sands fall slowely time has stopped there are no days no months no years only moments where memories haunt me mistakes I’ve made choices I always seem to pick the self destructive ones I’m on a downward spiral spinning so fast I cannot think straight my mind is useless, confused, tired and held captive with never-ending thoughts that are painful, physically painful. I will not fly again I will only teeter on the edge afraid to fall afraid to fall afraid to fail afraid to ruin someones life like I have my own. You will not love me I will not hurt you I will be a small shrinking thought that soon will be forgotten .like a flake of snow, I will melt away when you try to hold me some things are better left untouched. Some things are beautiful to look at but fade when approached. Like love like the thought of me and you like happy endings.

Forever Broken tat on my ribcage