Why are you still here

I’m going crazy again
Hearing voices inside of my head
Controlling my every move
Throwing things across the room

I’m ready to run again
Ready to put it all to an end
Give me a gun I can pull the trigger
Turn everything black with one move of my finger

No tears will fall down tonight
I’m running on empty, dried up inside
I want to erase all this shame
Give them more but I’m causing them pain

You don’t get to call me a failure
You can’t judge the wrongs that I’ve done
You broke me and left me with nothing
I did what had to be done

Finished creating a monster inside me
Out of the cage now she’s looking for blood
Chains couldn’t bind the torment she brings me
Resistance is futile when I’m not in your arms

Two dead bodies rotting together
Ones buried deep, one wakes every day
Empty hearts looking for something
Anything to make this nothing go away

My thoughts are so dark at this moment
My adrenaline is running full force
Erasing all evidence I existed
Throwing away what I should be living for

Realizing isn’t half of this battle
I don’t care if you think I’m insane
You don’t feel the reality I live in
Wouldn’t understand if I was able to explain

Shaking the hourglass, make it go quicker
Open my mouth but there’s only whispers
Dreading tomorrow I haven’t had sleep
Hope I can make it through one more week

Underestimated my minds brutal power
Been trampled upon like a beautiful flower
Treason myself to this game I can’t win
Ill be all alone when it comes to an end

Resist the temptation to flee from the pain
Get out from the cover go into the rain
Dive deep in the water go under the waves
Absorb my apologies like drops of ink on a page

I Can’t Forget

How do you do that?
Make me forget.
Take me to somewhere I’ve been before,
But it’s been so long that I forgot.
Do you feel it when you touch me?
The chills run across my skin.
Desire is overwhelming,
I can’t resist letting you in.
Speak my name slowly,
I want to soak it in.
It’s a warm place of shelter,
when I’m facing the bitter winds.
Keep my eyes open, I want to remember,
as I fall into your arms so strong,
your body moves to mine like a mirror.
Like we’ve been entwined all along.
Forgive me for my dirty confessions.
You don’t know what you do to me.
Turn me into an animal.
Clawing your back,setting blood free.
Eternally damned, now I’ve tasted your love.
Fighting for bondage, I don’t want to be released.
Keep you here forever, explore the unseen.
Naked, only you have put my fears at ease.
Starving for your flesh,
I cannot get enough.
Touch every part of my being.
I don’t want us to part.
Time has passed but feelings still alive.
Perhaps it was something different in your mind.
I only wish you could come over now.
Commitments I couldn’t make; I can give now.
Shouldn’t have went down memory lane.
I forgot how much this hurts.
It’s probably not even worth,
turning letters into words.
But for now,, I can’t forget.

No one is home

Take me somewhere far away from here
To a place where you can’t see my fear
Give up the life which has been chosen for me
I resign it all i just want to be free
Never resisted enticing temptations
Embraced a stranger in my bed
Gave up my body for a moment of pleasure
And I’d do it all over again
Tie up and bind me
Don’t leave any give
Mute my voice from my pleading
You don’t need me to forgive
Carve into my skin let the red flow
Until only the ugly shows
You enjoy my demise
Everything you say is lies
But it makes things alright
Take this deep into the night
When my tears stop flowing
It only means the pain is growing
And there’s no way your knowing
This is exactly what I need
Out of control I speak in riddles
Don’t make sense like the cat and the fiddle
Create a monster I have very little
My self esteem has already been belittled
Hands on my neck if they squeeze any tighter
Will put out the flames that only grow brighter
Too many drugs can’t get any higher
Forgot what I cannot seem to remember
Eyes open wide no sleep for the weary
Music is loud drowns out the voices I’m hearing
Conversations with myself no one is listening
Phone keeps ringing but I won’t be answering
No one is home tonight

My words are a mirror

My words are a mirror. Reflections of me.
Forcing you to look past my face.
Unravel each clue, don’t leave out any piece.
Uncover who I really can be.
There are times when I cover with “makeup”.
The blemishes I hold inside.
There are times that I put on a
smile.
When deep down I’m crying out why?
Things I say to mask the truth,
To appear to be in control.
Forcing myself to use words I don’t feel.
So you cannot see into my soul.
Free up this twisted,wicked one,
who talks to me inside my head.
Pretend to be on top of the world,
when I’m falling off the deep end.
Say something pretty, say something nice.
Something pleasant into your ear:
There’s a rainbow so vivid, it’s a beautiful sight.
But it’s not anywhere close to here.
I could tell you of things I’ve read in books,
or heard from the wisdom of old.
I could write you a sonnet with only white keys,
’cause the black ones hold stories untold.
Dance for you in the light of a candle;
Entice you with the touch of my hands.
Warm your body under the moonlight;
Flesh upon flesh-no need for more.
Nothing to hide, leaving it all exposed.
My place of refuge, only you I hold.
What do you want from me?
I have nothing more to give.
You watched me cry in the dark.
Saw me fall to pieces.
Put them back together.
Just to walk and leave.
He messed me up.
Had some miles in hell to cross.
Put me on a pedestal-
just to disappear when I fell.
Fight for me! don’t give in.
I promise I won’t hurt you again.
Afraid of getting to close to the fire,
Douse me with flames.
I’ll prove my love is true.
Let them talk-let them stare.
What they think- I really don’t care.
Ashamed of my doubts,
I was more than afraid.
I just need you for one more day.
Teach me how to trust, I don’t know how.
Force me to demolish these walls, I unknowingly put up now.
This is new to me,
I’ve had enough.
I can only take so much.
Lead and I will follow.
Your strength I’ll have to borrow.
Your kiss deceives your feelings.
My soul you are stealing.
Lest you forget,,,

Jealous of the nothing you now live in

Jealous of the nothing you now live in
The quiet noise of an empty room
The sweet appeal of a cold dark bed
No pillows to lay down my head
I wake each morning with a pounding in my head
Surprised that I’m not dead
Looking with blank stares at the clock
Waiting for you it never stops

Loving the night it’s the days I dread
Hearing your voice inside of my head
Smelling your scent as I pick up your clothes
Knowing there’s nowhere else I can go
Stealing your kiss while your fast asleep
Breathing your breath never breathed in so deep
Forget that I’m better with you gone
Now if I could just forget your song
You sang it up me while I Laid in the sand
You stroked my sun kissed skin with your left hand
You left me crying your name in vain
That moment you left has me going insane

Sleepless night again

I’m walking around with these glossy eyes,”I’m just tired”I say, but you know what? It’s bullshit.yes I’m tired but it’s not all from lack of sleep.i am tired from waking up with nothing to look forward to,tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things I find no enjoyment in doing.im tired of feeling this void, this tired that looms over me even though my days are packed.I’m tired of the loneliness that presses down on me even though I’m surrounded by dozens of ppl. So why can’t I just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each other eyes and say ” I am unhappy,I am broken, fragile and fallible”I’ve been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness with coldness,loneliness with unworthiness,difference with disease,as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared.well I say screw all that. Fuck forced smiles and polite handshakes, and” I’m fine, thank you”screw the fear of crying in a public place,screw the fake chipper voice,fuck the lies we spit out to hide our real problems.i am human.i am meant to feel everything and to feel it all openly.i am not metal, I am flesh and bone.my boiled blood forces through my cold clammy hands I am intricate and beautiful and I should never try to hide my human parts, because if I do what’s left to show?