Mistakes

Your more than a memory
I hear you every day
See your face in all the photos
Words you wrote me haunt my brain
Stay awake so I don’t see you
Cause you visit every dream
Tore down every photo
Lit up all those letters
Turned to ashes every page
Matched your clothes
Watched them burn away
Doesn’t matter if I’m happy
If I’m sad it’s still the same
Feel the tide overwhelming
Pushing every breath out of my lips
It’s getting dark I’m going under
Don’t know which way is up
Panic has riddled my body
Caused my mind to become corrupt
Pulled the blinds down over the windows
Threw my phone against the wall
Desperately seeking a solution
Ignoring all of the calls
Remember how we promised
That we’d love until the end
Broken and shattered is how you left me
I thought you were so much better than him
You made me open my heart up
Something I swore was closed for good
You played me like a puppet
Then burned me like a pile of wood

A hot Friday

Summers here once again,
There’s still no place to rest my head
Still smile that smile they don’t suspect
That my whole entity is a complete fucking mess
I cry behind the doors I lock
I scream at God-I’m the one He forgot
My echoes break the silent void
These blades have turned into some kind of sick toys
Giving up,,sounds easy to do
But it wouldn’t bring me any closer to you
For you’d be in heaven and I’d be in hell
For the sins I’m committing,loosing my mind as you can tell
Running out of options
And the ice is wearing thin
No ones throwing me a lifeline
Nor understands where all I’ve been
I close my eyes it’s all so peaceful
As drops fall on the ground
Only a brief moment of freedom
From the chains which have me bound
Pretend your hearing every word
Make me feel like I’m not alone
And even though my thoughts are slurred
Will you follow me into the unknown
What you see I do not share
I hide it every day
Keep my head down,work sunup to sundown
As my days are slipping away
~~L.R.~~

Winter cold

I want to remember everything you said to me
Even the beautiful lies that you led me to believe
Forever together
Nothing’s further from the truth
You sounded like an angel
When those words came out of you
Where would we be if life was fair
If stories never ended
If your soul the reaper spared?
Maybe I wouldn’t understand how to love
If the breaking of my heart hadn’t hurt ever this much
But your eyes still they haunt me
I still see you there, you know
When you come and walk beside me
Through the hollow nights I have come to know
We should have built that treehouse
Slept underneath the stars
Talked away the midnight hours
You should be holding me in your arms
And our daughter, what a treasure,
She has a gentleness to which none can compare
You should have seen her sparkle
In the dress she chose to wear
Your boy is the spitting image
Maybe that’s why I hold him so tight
I can see in the way he carries himself
He’s gonna turn out to be alright
But me, I’m just a loner
Driven by insatiable train of thoughts
Always reaching out to find you
Always forgetting it is me that is lost
Lost and going in circles
Frightened every corner I turn
And I’m desperately searching for something
But it slips away every time I try to hold
The cards are dealt among us
Why do I raise when I know I should fold
I’m fading along with your memory
Like this broken heart you long ago stole

Pain

Why can’t it just be over already
I don’t want to say hi anymore
You smile and tell me about your family you’re seeing
I’m sitting here holding back tears
I will leave again
With my tail between my legs
Head held down strength all gone
POISEN coming out of my mouth
Presents all opened
None for me
Not that I care
There’s no one I love
He’s gone away
Can I have him wrapped in ribbons and bows
Then there would be nothing I would want anyway
Just let me be
Pill poppin away
Take away my feelings
Ready to slice, cut, anything to erase this pain
The waves crash over my head
I cannot breathe
Cannot see through the mire
The darkness hides the ugliness
Haven’t slept
Haven’t ate
Have no hugs my pain to take
Grant me this one remaining wish
Easier death than to live
Life is no gift

Poem in the dark

Is there a reason to hold on anymore?
Can there ever be something beyond all this pain?
My eyes have grown dim from the tears I hold in.
I push all aside. I don’t need this again.
I thought, just perhaps, there was beauty still waiting….
Until I began unwinding the noose.
Fire grew closer-I was breathing the fumes.
Seeing your face as you withered away.
I cannot do this.
No, not one single day.
No sleep for the weary.
No love that’s untouched.
By death’s cruel demise,
Caution is a must.
I let go of your memories,
For they only bring pain.
Making sense of this turmoil,
Emotionally, I am drained.
Blocked all your numbers,
I need not to see.
All the hurt you endure.
That’s all caused by me.
I started drifting, endlessly,
Even when I close my eyes.
Your stare haunts me.
Your memories still taunt me.
I want to speak;
To see if anyone is there.
To know if you can hear,
But my words become a puddle on the floor.
Drop by drop escaping my tired eyes,
I don’t know if I’m asleep or awake.
If I’m living or have died.
My heads on the ground.
The pain grows deeper.
My twisted way of thinking,
It is covered in black,
I can’t find my way back.
The birds have started singing.
So, I know I am not dreaming.
Another day to aimlessly travel;
Forging a life that is not my own.
No one knows.
I lie.
Hold tears inside,
No hero comes for me.
I must save myself.
But, I can hardly breathe.

I cannot find words right now

I cannot sleep again. It would seem like I’ve spent all of my energy so I wouldn’t think that it would be a problem. This Wednesday marks the four year mark from where I began this downward spiral. The day I lost it all. It seems like just yesterday he was here. Time has remained still. If that wasn’t enough to throw me off this month, my grandma had a major stroke last Sunday and I am waiting to hear of her passing. She cannot eat or drink and has a living will preventing tube feedings. Is there anyone in my life I will not have to say goodbye to? I really can’t keep doing this. I am already running on fumes and to face another loss now? Who do I lean on for support? I have never felt so alone. At times I am glad to not have make conversations on useless topics that do not indulge my brain to use itself. But at times like these, I need someone to talk to. I can’t even begin to write, which is my escape from solitude. The words are stuck in my heart and I am confused and full of anxiety. I thought it couldn’t get worse, you know, than losing your husband. But when I really need him to comfort me, is when the reality of being left alone hits hard. I did not mean to write a bunch of “pity me” crap. I’ll close with one final thought:
In the words of William Shakespeare,
“Hell is empty and all the Devils are here.”

11:22

I can’t take my memories
And make them real again
And when I call your name
There’s no answer
Just echoes running through my head

I can’t erase the pain you’ve caused me
I can’t put the rain back in the clouds
Can’t take back the scars created
My empty bed dissolves any doubts

loneliness forges the walls created
Not made of wood but iron and steel
There are not any hidden pathways
Or any keys you could possibly steal

The curse of remembering fondly
Bites more deadly than ever allowed
Time does not heal
It’s so condescending
Knocking me down it prefers me to kneel

Believing the distance that now is between us
Could ever be bridged again
Is like trying to follow your footprints
After the waves washed up over the sand

Questions ill never have answered
They’ll go with me right to my grave
What sweet release to be free from this disaster
Free at last no longer enslaved

6/30/13

You asked me why I’m leaving
Why I can’t stay another day
It’s not leaving that I’m doing
Rather I’m just running away
Am I running towards something I want
Or leaving something behind
Afraid to admit that I want you
Afraid to make you mine
I can’t stay not even a moment
For the ice is getting thin
Hearing the cracks
I stop and stumble
Am I going to sink or swim
Forgetting is easy your almost a memory
Your name I do not recognize
Closing my eyes the blindness is soothing
Reality brings your torment of lies
Go ahead try to tell me I’m bluffing
Say what you want I don’t care anymore
I’ve put you away where you cannot harm me
I traded my soul for this life that was ours
If I’m going to hell then you cannot come with me
I do not explain all this pain that I’m in
With nothing is how it was entered
And with nothing is how it will end

6/27/13

I’m going on
I’m merely existing
Realized long ago
There won’t be happy endings
Closing my eyes
To shut out your face
But the darkness won’t hide
Things I wished could be erased
Watching all the people
With their smiles on their faces
Keep myself together
Never showing any traces
Forgetting isn’t easy
When your everywhere i turn
What more can I get rid of
There’s nothing left for me to burn
Alone and yes I choose it
I won’t make that mistake again
Won’t let my guard down for one moment
Won’t spare your feelings with pretends
Where I go It does not matter
For you left me long ago
I laid some flowers on the cold ground
And kissed your name engraved in stone

Something my brother wrote when my husband died

I don’t in any way step on people’s personal rights to believe or not to believe in what they want. I just wanted to share this because I read it today and am impulsive I guess, lol

You have to click on the red july2008 below to read

July,2008