Stay with me

Stay with me
Sleep every night in my bed
Stay with me
Devote yourself to the love that we had
I was wrong now I see it
You deserve more
This I believe in
But I’m selfish
I went to extremes
Wanted to see If you believed in me
But you ran like the others
When my scars were uncovered
When the truth became muddled
Inside of me
Why did I meet you
If not to love you
To try to trust you
You don’t know how that was all I had left to give
I keep on forgetting
You’ve moved on I was nothing
Holding on to the normal
Splash my face with cold water
Another night with no sleep
I’m like a drone but with a face
I can’t become what you need
I can’t provide something you’ll keep
Just knock me down
I’m better on my knees
Stains on my wrists remind me I still bleed
Fighting with ghosts
Speaking to spirits
Just leave me alone
Just let me be
I don’t want this part of you
And you don’t understand
Burning incense in my room
Burning desires in my bed
I cannot seem to shake you
Your always in my head
Doctors fill me up with pills
Drown my sorrows like all the others do
The poison is taking a toll on me
It’s blurry I can hardly see
Take your hands off my neck
I can hardly breathe
You’ll likely be the death of me

Unhappy Mother’s Day

So once again I come here with pen in hand
Try to make sense of this madness that never ends
Pain is an endless journey I have embarked
Unlike most who allow it to take control of their lives
To attempt to kill the pain or allow it to kill them
But I chose to use the pain
I have learned how to break the torment, the heartless lies told by predators to their prey
I will break this world before it breaks me
My pain is my strength
I never intended to hurt you
But sometimes it was just so unbearable that I would push it out of my body onto you
So that even just for a brief minute
I could have a moment of relief
If I would only find myself talking to myself more than listening to myself I would probably have healthier thoughts
Your love poisoned me slowly
Odorless, tasteless, colorless, and I never saw it coming
Until it was too late
Until you had infiltrated every pore of my being
Until the day my heart stopped beating
Have you ever been torn between two choices
But you know the outcome whichever you choose is unhappiness
It’s like being six feet under and trying to catch a ray of sunshine
Can’t happen
Sometimes it’s hard to remember a time when I was happy
Surely there had to be at least one day of happiness in my life,right?
It seems like there are so many people like me but I have to pay for everything
And the interest is breaking me
No, I take that back, it has broken me.
Some things should not have consequences
Love
Why do I have to pay dearly for it
As if my own life is predestined for unspeakable torture
A friend asked me today
Why do I do what I do
I told her because if I don’t it will catch me
What? She asked
The unhappiness I am trying to escape from

Devils advocate

Where’s a hand I’m reaching out
I can’t find strength i scream and shout
Just want a shoulder to cry on
No ones here so ill just go on
Living hours, seconds, moments
Looking for someone but they never come
When I say I’m just deluded
You just laugh don’t see behind it
I’m not dying on the outside
But inside I’m full of disease
Slowly eating my ambition
Quickly putting me on my knees
Grasping, clawing, hunting
For a way out of this pit
But it’s dark and I am blinded
By the void that on my lips
It’s to late to say your sorry
Have my name engraved in stone
And it’s calling me to lay down
Six feet under where I belong
I hope you soon forget me
Hope what you left for was worth my life
Cause I’m fading only weeks left
Got my plan and it is just right
So before I close this chapter
Write the end and put it down
I just wanted once to let you
Realize how much you let me down
I don’t care if tears you splatter
On the ground right on my grave
It’s to late for you to come back
And I wouldn’t want you anyway
You tore my heart out completely
Left me desperate, confused
When I tried to put it back together
All I did was re-abuse
I’m not asking for forgiveness
I won’t care bout that anymore
Ill be living in a different hell
I traded this one for

Why are you still here

I’m going crazy again
Hearing voices inside of my head
Controlling my every move
Throwing things across the room

I’m ready to run again
Ready to put it all to an end
Give me a gun I can pull the trigger
Turn everything black with one move of my finger

No tears will fall down tonight
I’m running on empty, dried up inside
I want to erase all this shame
Give them more but I’m causing them pain

You don’t get to call me a failure
You can’t judge the wrongs that I’ve done
You broke me and left me with nothing
I did what had to be done

Finished creating a monster inside me
Out of the cage now she’s looking for blood
Chains couldn’t bind the torment she brings me
Resistance is futile when I’m not in your arms

Two dead bodies rotting together
Ones buried deep, one wakes every day
Empty hearts looking for something
Anything to make this nothing go away

My thoughts are so dark at this moment
My adrenaline is running full force
Erasing all evidence I existed
Throwing away what I should be living for

Realizing isn’t half of this battle
I don’t care if you think I’m insane
You don’t feel the reality I live in
Wouldn’t understand if I was able to explain

Shaking the hourglass, make it go quicker
Open my mouth but there’s only whispers
Dreading tomorrow I haven’t had sleep
Hope I can make it through one more week

Underestimated my minds brutal power
Been trampled upon like a beautiful flower
Treason myself to this game I can’t win
Ill be all alone when it comes to an end

Resist the temptation to flee from the pain
Get out from the cover go into the rain
Dive deep in the water go under the waves
Absorb my apologies like drops of ink on a page

Listen to me

Hear what I am saying,
this might be my last chance.
To tell you what I’m thinking.
To rid the guilt from my past.
It’s time to empty the coffins.
Raise up things long buried ago.
Before its to late to tell you.
I need to let you know.
The hands are moving,
on the face of my enemy.
Time cannot cure;
It’ll be the death of me.
You always wanted my feelings.
Let you have them in your hands to hold,
but I could never release them.
Bound them in my body and soul.
I will try to put off my instincts,
separate from the comfortable and known.
Return as a watchful outsider,
who can narrate what really needs told.
Let go of your hand when you were falling,
Pushed away your attempts to get near.
Closed my eyes to the pain you were feeling.
Lit the fire under all of your fears.
Always thought that there’d be a tomorrow,
Held grudges I should have let go.
Opened hells’ door told you where you could go.
Then you left and I didn’t believe it
Waited to wake from a horrible dream
Kept your things cause I thought you would need them
Goodbyes left unsaid, couldn’t be as it seems.
When I stood in front of your family
In front of your friends and all those you knew
Frozen in time, I felt like a statue
Going through motions to pay you your due.
Didn’t know who I was here without you
Didn’t know how to get on with my life
Raising our kids without you to turn to
Each decision I made, none of them right
Frightened to hold it together
Cutting released some of the pain
Substances took away emotions
Walls helped me not to betray
The years have a way of decaying
Memories I thought never I’d lose
Withered the flowers once fragrant
Until I became just as dead as you

This disturbs me for some reason :/