Gather all your things

Gather all your things.
Take them far away from me.
For I can’t bear to remember the pleasure.
Pain now is all they contain.
Erase my memories of you.
If only that was easy to do.
I’d trade who I’ve become,
even if that meant forever being numb.
Shred my soul into pieces.
Scatter them into the wind.
At times, I’m not even human,
just a thought that appears at a whim.
Corrupted by your beauty,
it’s something so rare it’s hard to ignore.
You played your game so cunningly,
you had me fooled right down to my core.
Silence is louder without you.
Muddled thoughts run through my head.
In the breeze I smell your sweet fragrance.
Driving me crazy, to the point I wish I were dead.
Others stare, their interest I notice.
But I only have eyes for you.
Complicated roads left to travel.
None will lead me back to you.

03/04/13

Gonna run away from myself,
Go somewhere new
Far behind this place I now abode
Back to where it was safe
Try to forget your face
Stop from forgetting the reasons
Cut out the things that are treason
Isn’t much left.
Is that really all there is to me
A couple more hours and I won’t be able to see
Drowning my sorrows one mistake at a time
Pretty soon they’ll all be left behind
Somewhere between the nights that don’t end
And the days that never begin
Inflamed my conscience with your icy words of hate
Turned the tables we didn’t leave anything to fate
Making my words run together
I can’t get it straight
I can’t go any further
Standing in front of a broken gate
Stealing dreams from a girl I once knew
I should have let her go on believing in a chance they’d come true
I’ve nothing to say to you
Just drops of ink on a page
That will fade with the moon in the sunrise
No other choice it’s already thrown away
Drifted quietly but now the currents swift
I think it pulling me towards a cliff
Nothing to hold onto
Nothing to grasp
I just close my eyes and start to relax
As hard as I try I end up at the beginning
It’s a steep mountain slope
I can’t help from sliding
Empty my mind empty my heart
Sew these pieces back together that you tore apart
Try to speak but hear no words
Driving fast but going nowhere
Flashing lights as darkness fades in
Cannot escape,caught up in this nightmare
Closing the door I should have left open
Binding it up with locks and keys
Remembering things, best left forgotten
Visions I don’t want to see
Shallow is the air I cannot inhale deeply
Cutting the poison out of my veins
Sticks and stones though never may break me
Keep knocking me down over and over again
What do I do with these pieces all shattered
Where can I go to lay down my head
Forgetting all things that once really mattered
Stealing my life when I’m not even dead
Though I am now to you
I won’t even answer
I won’t come around anymore to your door
I won’t say your name in the heat of our pleasure
Ive been erased you remember me no more

02/11/13

What happens when you forget who you are
You look in the mirror and see a stranger
Even my eyes hold a distant look- like their from another face
Doing the daily routine but it’s like I’m watching a play
But missing the pieces to fill the empty space
Forgetting how to smile, forgetting how to care
Especially since there is no one else here
I’ve turned into a recluse-I talk to noone
Music is my only escape
Listen to the same songs on repeat
Every night when I’m running the streets
Looking for forgiveness
I need to make up for hurting someone I love
But somehow my words aren’t nearly enough
I guess sometimes it’s not me that burns bridges
So I cannot get to him to repair all the damage
I finally realize he really doesn’t care
So I have no choice but to rid this despair
Forget the past/forget the future is what they tell me
But there’s nothing here emptiness is all I see
My eyes have run dry I’ve given up on love
Time cannot erase this despair I can’t get out of
Just a promise and a small little dream
Is more than I deserve it must be extreme
Settle for nothing sleep all alone
Try to be satisfied in the building I call home
Get up early go to bed late
Dream all my nightmares that keep me awake
Im not permitted to find rest most nights
I am afraid to close my eyes
In fear of what the dreams will hold
What goes on inside is out of my control
Resisting the urge to quench this flame
Just sit and stare out the window frame
There’s a piece of me missing that you didn’t give back
There’s a hole on my heart not some little crack
Ill make sense of this chaos unaided by you
Repair every puncture, all this poison I’ll spew
I can see a little clearer, now I’m up off my knees
Id been fighting against a cyclone, now its just a gentle breeze You weren’t just jotted down in pencil some memory easily erased
You are carved into my soul, now it’s forever defaced
I enjoy the suns warmth even when covered with clouds
I can enjoy a quiet moment when in the midst of a crowd
The moon does not to be full for me to enjoy her beauty,
Just like the flower can turn my head when it’s petals are droopy
Ive learned a lesson or two, on the back of every mistake
Things I’ve wanted to hold on to I’ve had to forsake
Although I’m at the surface and I’m able to stay afloat
I’m no longer drowning but don’t have the strength to build a boat

02/08/13

I didn’t sleep last night
I stayed up thinking about how terrified I am
How I feel destined for abandonment
Unworthy of lasting happiness
I bring a lot of it on myself
Afraid of being hurt so I push away when I develop strong feelings
Trusting someone enough to put my heart in their hands
Vulnerable, it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling for me
I guess I don’t expect anyone to understand
I don’t even myself
I was wondering why am I evading commitment
Am I so sure that no one could ever love me enough to stay forever
I’m not looking anymore
It’s a game I unintentionally play.
I have enough to keep me busy
I don’t need love, I just want it
I always tell my kids “you don’t always get what you want”
Time to take my own advise
Questions I ask I don’t want to know the answers
This feels like a disease I’d rather have cancer
I find strength where I thought was just weakness
The sun shines for you here is just bleakness
I pray to God but its a one way conversation
I’m hungry for life I’m on the edge of starvation
I just want to feel something true something complete
It won’t rise to the surface for its buried too deep
Just when I thought time erased all my pain
Put the past in the past but it’s still not the same
I wish I could get a second chance
To meet you for the first time and start over again
Forget my insecurities chase after every dream
I wonder right now where would we be
Would your arms be around me my head on your chest
Feel the depths of your heartbeat your kisses on my neck
Fingertips would be lightly tracing my skin
I remember every detail I can go there again
You left me with memories and your things in a drawer
How I wanted much more
Desperately moving from room to room
Fighting my demons and they all look like you
I feel like a hostage please set me free
This prison has bound me i need a key
The knife slowly slides deep in my heart
Intolerable anguish is tearing me apart
I have things unspoken that stay silent in my head
Things you’ll never know until after I’m dead
The problem with keeping it all locked inside
Is no one ever realizes the answer to the “Why?”
The smile that I wear feels like fire on my face
But it serves a useful purpose so it’s kinda hard to erase
Don’t want to hear unwanted questions
Don’t care to explain how much is wrong
I just keep it deep inside my mind like a song that never is sung

01/31/13

Why do the days seem longer with you out of my life?
Why does the bed seem bigger when I sleep on your side?
When will I see your face again cause i can’t remember how
To smile without you cause there’s no way,no how

I screwed up, gave up, turned the page too fast
When I lost you,forgot who,healed me from my broken past
Now I’m lost here, scared here afraid ill never see the light
Only nightmares, dark fears,I feel so all alone
For a moment, the time spent,made my house feel like a home

So you don’t care and I’m stuck here
Dreaming of your love
You know you broke me like a promise
And didn’t sign your name,just anonymous

Right on my heart, right before I fell apart
I would have given you every part
I felt something new with you,,a spark
Like a target, my heart was the mark

Maybe I should just disappear
Pack my things and move from here
Maybe it would help me forget
Or break this chain of “what could have been”regrets

I hope your happy I really do
I hope all the dreams that you have come true
I hope it never rains and the sun always shines
But Ill never stop wishing you still were mine

Inside a mind

If I could feel this much pain just by reading what you wrote,
I wonder how much more there is as you turn those emotions into words
Your put your hands over your eyes to prevent the tears from falling,
You try to hold your breath just to keep your mouth from screaming.

Trying to hold the pen straight had never been this hard from you,
Yet you kept on writing whatever’s left of what you thought was true
Agony tied you in chains and you’re losing hope you could break free
Memories of what used to be haunt you in your sleep and in reality

If I could, I’d take away your sorrow and carry it on my shoulder,
The past you wish to forget, I’d be the one to painfully remember
When you feel the world has deserted you,just call out my name
I’ll be there in a flash trying to make you feel okay

If its space that you need I’d let you have it and just wait here
I ask nothing in return but hope that better you will feel
How do I unbreak and unshatter the pieces of your heart
Tell me what I can say or do to make everything alright.

I just want

I just want that feeling of relief I use to get when you wrapped your arms around me.Where can i run when hell is in my head?I’m trying to do what’s best for you and you won’t let me. just let me.With a few well-placed sentences, I can go from tired to tearful.
I wish I had a better control on my emotions.
I wish I was less of a wreck.I feel like everyone expects too much out of me.
I’m under so much pressure to be someone I just can’t be.
I just can’t do this anymore.
I’m so fucking sick of disappointing people… I’m sick of it!
Please… please don’t expect so much out of me.
I promise I’m going to fail.What if you compares me to her, or anyone really? I can’t compete… they’ll win.. and me? I’ll lose…. everything.The one person i want so desperately because you make me laugh & smile and forget about all my troubles and give me this feeling that no one else has on me but i can’t have you.
i miss you like hell, and it fucking sucks.I’m freezing cold and I can’t sleep.Realizing that I’ll never be better or more attractive than any of your exes, ever.Realizing that death is harder than it seems.Remembering every fucking shitty thing about myself so my self esteem rapidly spirals downward.not good enough for you in any way and never will be..Some people are afraid of not being good enough for other people. But the worst feeling is knowing I’ll never be good enough for myself. Because that’s when I start to become my own worst enemy.