New Beginnings

Every day I think a new page has turned in the book of my life.
I wonder will I smile today?
Does anyone care?
And I try really hard not to live in the past.
I know you are gone. No one needs to remind me of that.
The emptiness that you left behind remains,,
Un filled,,
Corroding at the very essence of my soul.
I still have dreams and desires.
If I was honest I would admit that I still find it impossible to forget yesterday’s hopes.
I haven’t yet released them.
To sail away out of sight,, out of grasp,, watch them disappear.
I can’t keep you for you’re already gone.
I’m frightened without you.
I don’t know how to start over.
Everything slips through my fingers.
I’m broken.
I just really miss you.
Xoxo

11:22

I can’t take my memories
And make them real again
And when I call your name
There’s no answer
Just echoes running through my head

I can’t erase the pain you’ve caused me
I can’t put the rain back in the clouds
Can’t take back the scars created
My empty bed dissolves any doubts

loneliness forges the walls created
Not made of wood but iron and steel
There are not any hidden pathways
Or any keys you could possibly steal

The curse of remembering fondly
Bites more deadly than ever allowed
Time does not heal
It’s so condescending
Knocking me down it prefers me to kneel

Believing the distance that now is between us
Could ever be bridged again
Is like trying to follow your footprints
After the waves washed up over the sand

Questions ill never have answered
They’ll go with me right to my grave
What sweet release to be free from this disaster
Free at last no longer enslaved

Why are you still here

I’m going crazy again
Hearing voices inside of my head
Controlling my every move
Throwing things across the room

I’m ready to run again
Ready to put it all to an end
Give me a gun I can pull the trigger
Turn everything black with one move of my finger

No tears will fall down tonight
I’m running on empty, dried up inside
I want to erase all this shame
Give them more but I’m causing them pain

You don’t get to call me a failure
You can’t judge the wrongs that I’ve done
You broke me and left me with nothing
I did what had to be done

Finished creating a monster inside me
Out of the cage now she’s looking for blood
Chains couldn’t bind the torment she brings me
Resistance is futile when I’m not in your arms

Two dead bodies rotting together
Ones buried deep, one wakes every day
Empty hearts looking for something
Anything to make this nothing go away

My thoughts are so dark at this moment
My adrenaline is running full force
Erasing all evidence I existed
Throwing away what I should be living for

Realizing isn’t half of this battle
I don’t care if you think I’m insane
You don’t feel the reality I live in
Wouldn’t understand if I was able to explain

Shaking the hourglass, make it go quicker
Open my mouth but there’s only whispers
Dreading tomorrow I haven’t had sleep
Hope I can make it through one more week

Underestimated my minds brutal power
Been trampled upon like a beautiful flower
Treason myself to this game I can’t win
Ill be all alone when it comes to an end

Resist the temptation to flee from the pain
Get out from the cover go into the rain
Dive deep in the water go under the waves
Absorb my apologies like drops of ink on a page

I Can’t Forget

How do you do that?
Make me forget.
Take me to somewhere I’ve been before,
But it’s been so long that I forgot.
Do you feel it when you touch me?
The chills run across my skin.
Desire is overwhelming,
I can’t resist letting you in.
Speak my name slowly,
I want to soak it in.
It’s a warm place of shelter,
when I’m facing the bitter winds.
Keep my eyes open, I want to remember,
as I fall into your arms so strong,
your body moves to mine like a mirror.
Like we’ve been entwined all along.
Forgive me for my dirty confessions.
You don’t know what you do to me.
Turn me into an animal.
Clawing your back,setting blood free.
Eternally damned, now I’ve tasted your love.
Fighting for bondage, I don’t want to be released.
Keep you here forever, explore the unseen.
Naked, only you have put my fears at ease.
Starving for your flesh,
I cannot get enough.
Touch every part of my being.
I don’t want us to part.
Time has passed but feelings still alive.
Perhaps it was something different in your mind.
I only wish you could come over now.
Commitments I couldn’t make; I can give now.
Shouldn’t have went down memory lane.
I forgot how much this hurts.
It’s probably not even worth,
turning letters into words.
But for now,, I can’t forget.

Take Away My Pain

Take away my pain
Put hope in me again
The sun is shining brightly
But all I see is shadows
Closing in on me pulling me into darkness
Trying to escape but trapped in this madness
Hearing voices but I’m all alone
Feeling hands around my neck
Nervous chills all up my back
My body must know what’s coming next
Locking with chains things never to be opened
Tying in knots loose strings left undone
Paying for pleasure to pass the night quickly
Fighting lost battles that will never be won
Whispering things I never have spoken
Tiptoeing around so no one can hear
Pretending to sleep with my eyes wide open
Knowing the danger is soo very near
How to get away from these evils
that hold me
How do I turn from unhealthy existence
How can I find reason to turn life around
I want to forget, leave behind all the anger
But I’m just a pawn and its “check mate” right now
Make me believe there is something that’s coming
Tell me some lies if it’s all that you got
Throw away all your moral ambitions
And just help this poor soul that is lost.

My words are a mirror

My words are a mirror. Reflections of me.
Forcing you to look past my face.
Unravel each clue, don’t leave out any piece.
Uncover who I really can be.
There are times when I cover with “makeup”.
The blemishes I hold inside.
There are times that I put on a
smile.
When deep down I’m crying out why?
Things I say to mask the truth,
To appear to be in control.
Forcing myself to use words I don’t feel.
So you cannot see into my soul.
Free up this twisted,wicked one,
who talks to me inside my head.
Pretend to be on top of the world,
when I’m falling off the deep end.
Say something pretty, say something nice.
Something pleasant into your ear:
There’s a rainbow so vivid, it’s a beautiful sight.
But it’s not anywhere close to here.
I could tell you of things I’ve read in books,
or heard from the wisdom of old.
I could write you a sonnet with only white keys,
’cause the black ones hold stories untold.
Dance for you in the light of a candle;
Entice you with the touch of my hands.
Warm your body under the moonlight;
Flesh upon flesh-no need for more.
Nothing to hide, leaving it all exposed.
My place of refuge, only you I hold.
What do you want from me?
I have nothing more to give.
You watched me cry in the dark.
Saw me fall to pieces.
Put them back together.
Just to walk and leave.
He messed me up.
Had some miles in hell to cross.
Put me on a pedestal-
just to disappear when I fell.
Fight for me! don’t give in.
I promise I won’t hurt you again.
Afraid of getting to close to the fire,
Douse me with flames.
I’ll prove my love is true.
Let them talk-let them stare.
What they think- I really don’t care.
Ashamed of my doubts,
I was more than afraid.
I just need you for one more day.
Teach me how to trust, I don’t know how.
Force me to demolish these walls, I unknowingly put up now.
This is new to me,
I’ve had enough.
I can only take so much.
Lead and I will follow.
Your strength I’ll have to borrow.
Your kiss deceives your feelings.
My soul you are stealing.
Lest you forget,,,

March 18,2013

I’m sitting here watching the hours pass
Farther away I’m growing
There’s no turning back
Trying to forget why I’m holding a tissue
Desperately feeling the break that is coming
Noone to console me I’ve torn down those bridges
Forgot how cruel a person can be
Gave away my love its too hard to retrieve
Speak out loud
No I’d rather remain silent
Pretend I’m doing good
My mind-you’ll never get inside it
Pleading with myself not to give it away
Save these confessions for another day
Lightning strikes and I just catch it
Run from danger-no I embrace it
Fearing nothing but fear itself
Escaping from traps that I’ve placed myself
Ruining my life you took yours away
You left like the others but you promised you’d stay
I don’t blame you at all
I’m not worth the time
But you made me believe that you really were mine
Going on solo isn’t the worst I’ve endured
I’ve burned many chapters but yours I’ve just torn
Too sad to smile too proud to admit it
But you became the reason for existence
Grew up to fast
Knew tragedy young
Saw death first hand
Blame myself all along
Must be worthless must be a joke
For everything I love disappears like smoke
Vapors faded, rainbows turned dull
Shades pulled on the windows can’t see through them at all
Dreaming of things I’d never repeat
If it was rated like a movie it couldn’t be PG
Restricted for only the ones not faint of heart
Those who can laugh when ones life is torn apart
It doesn’t seem real
Questions unanswered still
I’m guilty but don’t get an appeal
Times the only thing I can’t seem to kill
Ready to throw it all away
Staring at my reflection as it fades away
Dreading the coming of another day
my life’s running out as I beg you to stay
The time has come to prove that I’m done
No more games have to finish what I’ve begun
Retreading, rewriting wrong turns I’ve went down
You’ve left me no trail, your nowhere to be found
Closest I’ve been to feeling frustrated
Handing out answers but mine’s complicated
I don’t own any words they surely own me
Don’t need a prescription but its too blurry to see
Faithfully silenced I won’t utter a sound
Your wont hear my tears as they fall to the ground

02/12/13

Wanting, craving , desperately yearning for the ability to express what I feel
To know you understand each word I write and that I can take you to where it is real

Can you hear what I’m not saying? Can you read between the lines? Can you see the pain that I hide deep inside?

If you could pick one memory of mine,to explore to its fullest depths, would it be a happy moment or one of deep regret?

I can show you every laughter, every teardrop, every pain. I could take you to many places you’d never go to again.

I went dancing on a rooftop, I’ve been kissed in the pouring rain, held the hand of a loved one dying, laid to rest my eternal soulmate.

Would you linger on my retention, would you savor every point
Would you still judge me soo harshly
After seeing my world ripped apart?

I keep these all locked for a reason
Never should let anyone see
All the scars and emotional moments
That almost made me lose me

I cannot ever clearly explain
For my talent is but soo small
Id love to eloquently pen it all down
But I fear all I do is just sprawl

Would I find some relief in knowing that you find yourself feeling like me?Would you disappear like others before just be one more absentee?

No I think that it’s wise to keep your eyes blind, just keep living this “normal” facade, but a broken down girl who survived her cruel world at the least should get an applause

02/08/13

I didn’t sleep last night
I stayed up thinking about how terrified I am
How I feel destined for abandonment
Unworthy of lasting happiness
I bring a lot of it on myself
Afraid of being hurt so I push away when I develop strong feelings
Trusting someone enough to put my heart in their hands
Vulnerable, it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling for me
I guess I don’t expect anyone to understand
I don’t even myself
I was wondering why am I evading commitment
Am I so sure that no one could ever love me enough to stay forever
I’m not looking anymore
It’s a game I unintentionally play.
I have enough to keep me busy
I don’t need love, I just want it
I always tell my kids “you don’t always get what you want”
Time to take my own advise
Questions I ask I don’t want to know the answers
This feels like a disease I’d rather have cancer
I find strength where I thought was just weakness
The sun shines for you here is just bleakness
I pray to God but its a one way conversation
I’m hungry for life I’m on the edge of starvation
I just want to feel something true something complete
It won’t rise to the surface for its buried too deep
Just when I thought time erased all my pain
Put the past in the past but it’s still not the same
I wish I could get a second chance
To meet you for the first time and start over again
Forget my insecurities chase after every dream
I wonder right now where would we be
Would your arms be around me my head on your chest
Feel the depths of your heartbeat your kisses on my neck
Fingertips would be lightly tracing my skin
I remember every detail I can go there again
You left me with memories and your things in a drawer
How I wanted much more
Desperately moving from room to room
Fighting my demons and they all look like you
I feel like a hostage please set me free
This prison has bound me i need a key
The knife slowly slides deep in my heart
Intolerable anguish is tearing me apart
I have things unspoken that stay silent in my head
Things you’ll never know until after I’m dead
The problem with keeping it all locked inside
Is no one ever realizes the answer to the “Why?”
The smile that I wear feels like fire on my face
But it serves a useful purpose so it’s kinda hard to erase
Don’t want to hear unwanted questions
Don’t care to explain how much is wrong
I just keep it deep inside my mind like a song that never is sung

02/03#3

Feeling black right now
A void an emptiness which longs to be filled
With anything good or bad
I’ve been working soo hard to stay away from unhealthy vices
Been clean for a few months now
It’s a different feeling,,reality
I tried to stay away from you but your quicksand
The more I try to break free the deeper i fall
I tried to jump off but changed my mind after I let go
Too late to turn back now
Just gotta watch as I come closer to the ground
Everything’s in slow motion
That sickening feeling before the crash
The colors drained from my face its ash
The flames burn the rags I’m wearing
Standing naked nothing to hide my shame
Looking for anything to remind me you were real
A lost sock a piece a paper you wrote on
Something you left behind
How can i keep all this locked inside
Never let him know all these feelings I have for him
I had to learn to be strong
Let them think I can keep it together
When inside I’m really a mess
The blades call my name but I pretend I don’t hear
I don’t want them to give me release from this fear
If I close my eyes I can escape this dance
For the devil is a hard leader to follow
Free my soul let me breathe
I’m suffocating the air is thick
He doesn’t know how much he took
He didn’t know how hard it was to let him in
I walk in my bedroom the air is cold
I guess that comes with being alone
I still have that recording
Of us talking to ghosts
Of us being silly
Just being me and you
I listen when I’m having a bad day
End up laughing remembering how much I loved you
I bet you always knew you’d leave
Time will erase this emptiness that you left
This cut will heal but the scar will remind of better days long gone
Of a time when we were singing the same song