Archive for gone

Why are you still here

Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 04/21/2013 by Forever_Broken

I’m going crazy again
Hearing voices inside of my head
Controlling my every move
Throwing things across the room

I’m ready to run again
Ready to put it all to an end
Give me a gun I can pull the trigger
Turn everything black with one move of my finger

No tears will fall down tonight
I’m running on empty, dried up inside
I want to erase all this shame
Give them more but I’m causing them pain

You don’t get to call me a failure
You can’t judge the wrongs that I’ve done
You broke me and left me with nothing
I did what had to be done

Finished creating a monster inside me
Out of the cage now she’s looking for blood
Chains couldn’t bind the torment she brings me
Resistance is futile when I’m not in your arms

Two dead bodies rotting together
Ones buried deep, one wakes every day
Empty hearts looking for something
Anything to make this nothing go away

My thoughts are so dark at this moment
My adrenaline is running full force
Erasing all evidence I existed
Throwing away what I should be living for

Realizing isn’t half of this battle
I don’t care if you think I’m insane
You don’t feel the reality I live in
Wouldn’t understand if I was able to explain

Shaking the hourglass, make it go quicker
Open my mouth but there’s only whispers
Dreading tomorrow I haven’t had sleep
Hope I can make it through one more week

Underestimated my minds brutal power
Been trampled upon like a beautiful flower
Treason myself to this game I can’t win
Ill be all alone when it comes to an end

Resist the temptation to flee from the pain
Get out from the cover go into the rain
Dive deep in the water go under the waves
Absorb my apologies like drops of ink on a page

I Can’t Forget

Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 03/29/2013 by Forever_Broken

How do you do that?
Make me forget.
Take me to somewhere I’ve been before,
But it’s been so long that I forgot.
Do you feel it when you touch me?
The chills run across my skin.
Desire is overwhelming,
I can’t resist letting you in.
Speak my name slowly,
I want to soak it in.
It’s a warm place of shelter,
when I’m facing the bitter winds.
Keep my eyes open, I want to remember,
as I fall into your arms so strong,
your body moves to mine like a mirror.
Like we’ve been entwined all along.
Forgive me for my dirty confessions.
You don’t know what you do to me.
Turn me into an animal.
Clawing your back,setting blood free.
Eternally damned, now I’ve tasted your love.
Fighting for bondage, I don’t want to be released.
Keep you here forever, explore the unseen.
Naked, only you have put my fears at ease.
Starving for your flesh,
I cannot get enough.
Touch every part of my being.
I don’t want us to part.
Time has passed but feelings still alive.
Perhaps it was something different in your mind.
I only wish you could come over now.
Commitments I couldn’t make; I can give now.
Shouldn’t have went down memory lane.
I forgot how much this hurts.
It’s probably not even worth,
turning letters into words.
But for now,, I can’t forget.


My words are a mirror

Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 03/19/2013 by Forever_Broken

My words are a mirror. Reflections of me.
Forcing you to look past my face.
Unravel each clue, don’t leave out any piece.
Uncover who I really can be.
There are times when I cover with “makeup”.
The blemishes I hold inside.
There are times that I put on a
When deep down I’m crying out why?
Things I say to mask the truth,
To appear to be in control.
Forcing myself to use words I don’t feel.
So you cannot see into my soul.
Free up this twisted,wicked one,
who talks to me inside my head.
Pretend to be on top of the world,
when I’m falling off the deep end.
Say something pretty, say something nice.
Something pleasant into your ear:
There’s a rainbow so vivid, it’s a beautiful sight.
But it’s not anywhere close to here.
I could tell you of things I’ve read in books,
or heard from the wisdom of old.
I could write you a sonnet with only white keys,
’cause the black ones hold stories untold.
Dance for you in the light of a candle;
Entice you with the touch of my hands.
Warm your body under the moonlight;
Flesh upon flesh-no need for more.
Nothing to hide, leaving it all exposed.
My place of refuge, only you I hold.
What do you want from me?
I have nothing more to give.
You watched me cry in the dark.
Saw me fall to pieces.
Put them back together.
Just to walk and leave.
He messed me up.
Had some miles in hell to cross.
Put me on a pedestal-
just to disappear when I fell.
Fight for me! don’t give in.
I promise I won’t hurt you again.
Afraid of getting to close to the fire,
Douse me with flames.
I’ll prove my love is true.
Let them talk-let them stare.
What they think- I really don’t care.
Ashamed of my doubts,
I was more than afraid.
I just need you for one more day.
Teach me how to trust, I don’t know how.
Force me to demolish these walls, I unknowingly put up now.
This is new to me,
I’ve had enough.
I can only take so much.
Lead and I will follow.
Your strength I’ll have to borrow.
Your kiss deceives your feelings.
My soul you are stealing.
Lest you forget,,,

March 18,2013

Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 03/18/2013 by Forever_Broken

I’m sitting here watching the hours pass
Farther away I’m growing
There’s no turning back
Trying to forget why I’m holding a tissue
Desperately feeling the break that is coming
Noone to console me I’ve torn down those bridges
Forgot how cruel a person can be
Gave away my love its too hard to retrieve
Speak out loud
No I’d rather remain silent
Pretend I’m doing good
My mind-you’ll never get inside it
Pleading with myself not to give it away
Save these confessions for another day
Lightning strikes and I just catch it
Run from danger-no I embrace it
Fearing nothing but fear itself
Escaping from traps that I’ve placed myself
Ruining my life you took yours away
You left like the others but you promised you’d stay
I don’t blame you at all
I’m not worth the time
But you made me believe that you really were mine
Going on solo isn’t the worst I’ve endured
I’ve burned many chapters but yours I’ve just torn
Too sad to smile too proud to admit it
But you became the reason for existence
Grew up to fast
Knew tragedy young
Saw death first hand
Blame myself all along
Must be worthless must be a joke
For everything I love disappears like smoke
Vapors faded, rainbows turned dull
Shades pulled on the windows can’t see through them at all
Dreaming of things I’d never repeat
If it was rated like a movie it couldn’t be PG
Restricted for only the ones not faint of heart
Those who can laugh when ones life is torn apart
It doesn’t seem real
Questions unanswered still
I’m guilty but don’t get an appeal
Times the only thing I can’t seem to kill
Ready to throw it all away
Staring at my reflection as it fades away
Dreading the coming of another day
my life’s running out as I beg you to stay
The time has come to prove that I’m done
No more games have to finish what I’ve begun
Retreading, rewriting wrong turns I’ve went down
You’ve left me no trail, your nowhere to be found
Closest I’ve been to feeling frustrated
Handing out answers but mine’s complicated
I don’t own any words they surely own me
Don’t need a prescription but its too blurry to see
Faithfully silenced I won’t utter a sound
Your wont hear my tears as they fall to the ground


Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , , on 02/10/2013 by Forever_Broken

I didn’t sleep last night
I stayed up thinking about how terrified I am
How I feel destined for abandonment
Unworthy of lasting happiness
I bring a lot of it on myself
Afraid of being hurt so I push away when I develop strong feelings
Trusting someone enough to put my heart in their hands
Vulnerable, it’s an extremely uncomfortable feeling for me
I guess I don’t expect anyone to understand
I don’t even myself
I was wondering why am I evading commitment
Am I so sure that no one could ever love me enough to stay forever
I’m not looking anymore
It’s a game I unintentionally play.
I have enough to keep me busy
I don’t need love, I just want it
I always tell my kids “you don’t always get what you want”
Time to take my own advise
Questions I ask I don’t want to know the answers
This feels like a disease I’d rather have cancer
I find strength where I thought was just weakness
The sun shines for you here is just bleakness
I pray to God but its a one way conversation
I’m hungry for life I’m on the edge of starvation
I just want to feel something true something complete
It won’t rise to the surface for its buried too deep
Just when I thought time erased all my pain
Put the past in the past but it’s still not the same
I wish I could get a second chance
To meet you for the first time and start over again
Forget my insecurities chase after every dream
I wonder right now where would we be
Would your arms be around me my head on your chest
Feel the depths of your heartbeat your kisses on my neck
Fingertips would be lightly tracing my skin
I remember every detail I can go there again
You left me with memories and your things in a drawer
How I wanted much more
Desperately moving from room to room
Fighting my demons and they all look like you
I feel like a hostage please set me free
This prison has bound me i need a key
The knife slowly slides deep in my heart
Intolerable anguish is tearing me apart
I have things unspoken that stay silent in my head
Things you’ll never know until after I’m dead
The problem with keeping it all locked inside
Is no one ever realizes the answer to the “Why?”
The smile that I wear feels like fire on my face
But it serves a useful purpose so it’s kinda hard to erase
Don’t want to hear unwanted questions
Don’t care to explain how much is wrong
I just keep it deep inside my mind like a song that never is sung


Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , , , , on 02/03/2013 by Forever_Broken

Feeling black right now
A void an emptiness which longs to be filled
With anything good or bad
I’ve been working soo hard to stay away from unhealthy vices
Been clean for a few months now
It’s a different feeling,,reality
I tried to stay away from you but your quicksand
The more I try to break free the deeper i fall
I tried to jump off but changed my mind after I let go
Too late to turn back now
Just gotta watch as I come closer to the ground
Everything’s in slow motion
That sickening feeling before the crash
The colors drained from my face its ash
The flames burn the rags I’m wearing
Standing naked nothing to hide my shame
Looking for anything to remind me you were real
A lost sock a piece a paper you wrote on
Something you left behind
How can i keep all this locked inside
Never let him know all these feelings I have for him
I had to learn to be strong
Let them think I can keep it together
When inside I’m really a mess
The blades call my name but I pretend I don’t hear
I don’t want them to give me release from this fear
If I close my eyes I can escape this dance
For the devil is a hard leader to follow
Free my soul let me breathe
I’m suffocating the air is thick
He doesn’t know how much he took
He didn’t know how hard it was to let him in
I walk in my bedroom the air is cold
I guess that comes with being alone
I still have that recording
Of us talking to ghosts
Of us being silly
Just being me and you
I listen when I’m having a bad day
End up laughing remembering how much I loved you
I bet you always knew you’d leave
Time will erase this emptiness that you left
This cut will heal but the scar will remind of better days long gone
Of a time when we were singing the same song



Posted in poetry,personal writing with tags , , , , , on 02/01/2013 by Forever_Broken

Why do the days seem longer with you out of my life?
Why does the bed seem bigger when I sleep on your side?
When will I see your face again cause i can’t remember how
To smile without you cause there’s no way,no how

I screwed up, gave up, turned the page too fast
When I lost you,forgot who,healed me from my broken past
Now I’m lost here, scared here afraid ill never see the light
Only nightmares, dark fears,I feel so all alone
For a moment, the time spent,made my house feel like a home

So you don’t care and I’m stuck here
Dreaming of your love
You know you broke me like a promise
And didn’t sign your name,just anonymous

Right on my heart, right before I fell apart
I would have given you every part
I felt something new with you,,a spark
Like a target, my heart was the mark

Maybe I should just disappear
Pack my things and move from here
Maybe it would help me forget
Or break this chain of “what could have been”regrets

I hope your happy I really do
I hope all the dreams that you have come true
I hope it never rains and the sun always shines
But Ill never stop wishing you still were mine


Feelings I can’t put into words

Posted in poetry,personal writing, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 12/17/2012 by Forever_Broken

I don’t know if I can really explain how I feel.I am writing this note not for you but for me.It helps to write and sometimes it hurts to write.When I am feeling like maby,just maby,I am starting to find myself again,I can feel happiness.Not all of the time and even not most of the time,but sometimes.The happiness is different than the happiness I use to have.It is almost like going outside at night and the sky is full of clouds but for a brief moment the moon comes out and lights the night and it is beautiful.But maby for a few seconds before it is hidden with the clouds again.Not really a good comparison but,its all I got at the moment.:) I am having a hard time adjusting to my life as a single woman.The single parent thing is trying too.Having to be both mom and dad and the upkeep of a house,vehicles,bills,meals,cleaning,laundry,appointments,you name it,I have to do it.Not that I feel that it is unfair in anyway,its just hard.And then not to have a part of the day to look forward to spending time with him.”Him” is the one peice of the puzzle that is missing.And although I know nothing will change,He is soo hard to let go.I can’t.I know He is not comming back but that is a concept hard to understand.The solitude without HIm is unbearable.At times I try to keep busy,keep my mind accupied,but it is not really doing anything for me other than to pass time.When I am alone it is always the same,missing Him soo much,it hurts soo bad.I think about my future without Him.Will I ever meet another like HIm?I don’t know.Do I ever want to chance going through this again?Not on my life,I don’t.I would rather be lonely forever than to chance finding someone I would grow to love and losing him too.And I already have had walls appear in my heart,walls that I know are there to protect but i did not puposely put them there,they have just appeared.I feel detatched from many,and don’t talk to long or visit too much.I don’t know how to fix that yet,,still trying to figure it out.I cannot explain what the greif is like.It is worse than anything I have been through before.Not only is it a physical pain,the anxiety attacks,the headaches,the tiredness,the poor physical health from changes in appetite;it is also a mental pain,which I would say is the worse of the two.The depression,the lack of will to live,the lack of desire to get out of bed,the lack of having the daily love and thinking at times you’ve lost your mind.Do I have a family that cares?Yes,I have a great support system and friends and family that love me soo much,but at the end of the day I am still alone.Not having a real person here is soo lonely.I don’t know if there is a time span you can put on such feelings,how long will it last? it has been so ling since I got that phone call and He was gone.That is a long time to feel like this.I really do try to stay positive.I keep my energy focused on our children.They are the reason I go on every day.I have been getting more involved in church and picking up a few new hobbies,but it just isn’t helping much.He is gone but still soo very much here.Everywhere I am I see HIm.I drive down the road and there will be a guy in a truck,on a Harley,and I have to do a double take.I have even followed someone for a bit just because I wanted to see this mirage a little bit longer.It is even in our home,I will catch a glimpse of a memory for a second.I came home this morning after taking our kids to school and came in the front door and hollared”David,I’m home”I know to most people that is wierd.But please try to understand that in a way it is comforting.That for a brief moment it is like it was.And even if it is a “blink of an eye”moment,it is a feeling that I need.Although I know it is not healthy to hold on to the past,there are no manuals given out when this happens.So you just have to do what you need to do.There are days where these four walls hold me captive.Where I don’t see the sunlight for days,where I sleep 18 hours out of 24,but I do have some good days.And I didn’t 9 months ago,so even if the progress is not noticeable it is still happening,slowly.I have had the opportunity to meet some wonderful souls in this journey.Souls that I wouls never have crossed paths with except for the one thing we have in common.We have lost our “better halfs”.They can relate to what I feel,they do not judge and have their moments themselves.They understand every word I am typing and it is not unfamiliar.They have their ups and downs,their tears and laughter,their storms and rainbows,but although each of our stories are different,they are definately one and the same.And I owe them a great big thank you.Without their bond and knowing that there is others feeling just like me,I would probably have admitted myself to the loony bin by now! 🙂 But I need to get the trash out so I must stop writing.I wish everyone has a peaceful day,


Jealous of the nothing you now live in

Posted in poetry,personal writing, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 12/09/2012 by Forever_Broken

Jealous of the nothing you now live in
The quiet noise of an empty room
The sweet appeal of a cold dark bed
No pillows to lay down my head
I wake each morning with a pounding in my head
Surprised that I’m not dead
Looking with blank stares at the clock
Waiting for you it never stops

Loving the night it’s the days I dread
Hearing your voice inside of my head
Smelling your scent as I pick up your clothes
Knowing there’s nowhere else I can go
Stealing your kiss while your fast asleep
Breathing your breath never breathed in so deep
Forget that I’m better with you gone
Now if I could just forget your song
You sang it up me while I Laid in the sand
You stroked my sun kissed skin with your left hand
You left me crying your name in vain
That moment you left has me going insane

This disturbs me for some reason :/

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on 11/28/2012 by Forever_Broken