I cannot find words right now

I cannot sleep again. It would seem like I’ve spent all of my energy so I wouldn’t think that it would be a problem. This Wednesday marks the four year mark from where I began this downward spiral. The day I lost it all. It seems like just yesterday he was here. Time has remained still. If that wasn’t enough to throw me off this month, my grandma had a major stroke last Sunday and I am waiting to hear of her passing. She cannot eat or drink and has a living will preventing tube feedings. Is there anyone in my life I will not have to say goodbye to? I really can’t keep doing this. I am already running on fumes and to face another loss now? Who do I lean on for support? I have never felt so alone. At times I am glad to not have make conversations on useless topics that do not indulge my brain to use itself. But at times like these, I need someone to talk to. I can’t even begin to write, which is my escape from solitude. The words are stuck in my heart and I am confused and full of anxiety. I thought it couldn’t get worse, you know, than losing your husband. But when I really need him to comfort me, is when the reality of being left alone hits hard. I did not mean to write a bunch of “pity me” crap. I’ll close with one final thought:
In the words of William Shakespeare,
“Hell is empty and all the Devils are here.”

6/30/13

You asked me why I’m leaving
Why I can’t stay another day
It’s not leaving that I’m doing
Rather I’m just running away
Am I running towards something I want
Or leaving something behind
Afraid to admit that I want you
Afraid to make you mine
I can’t stay not even a moment
For the ice is getting thin
Hearing the cracks
I stop and stumble
Am I going to sink or swim
Forgetting is easy your almost a memory
Your name I do not recognize
Closing my eyes the blindness is soothing
Reality brings your torment of lies
Go ahead try to tell me I’m bluffing
Say what you want I don’t care anymore
I’ve put you away where you cannot harm me
I traded my soul for this life that was ours
If I’m going to hell then you cannot come with me
I do not explain all this pain that I’m in
With nothing is how it was entered
And with nothing is how it will end

Stay with me

Stay with me
Sleep every night in my bed
Stay with me
Devote yourself to the love that we had
I was wrong now I see it
You deserve more
This I believe in
But I’m selfish
I went to extremes
Wanted to see If you believed in me
But you ran like the others
When my scars were uncovered
When the truth became muddled
Inside of me
Why did I meet you
If not to love you
To try to trust you
You don’t know how that was all I had left to give
I keep on forgetting
You’ve moved on I was nothing
Holding on to the normal
Splash my face with cold water
Another night with no sleep
I’m like a drone but with a face
I can’t become what you need
I can’t provide something you’ll keep
Just knock me down
I’m better on my knees
Stains on my wrists remind me I still bleed
Fighting with ghosts
Speaking to spirits
Just leave me alone
Just let me be
I don’t want this part of you
And you don’t understand
Burning incense in my room
Burning desires in my bed
I cannot seem to shake you
Your always in my head
Doctors fill me up with pills
Drown my sorrows like all the others do
The poison is taking a toll on me
It’s blurry I can hardly see
Take your hands off my neck
I can hardly breathe
You’ll likely be the death of me

Unhappy Mother’s Day

So once again I come here with pen in hand
Try to make sense of this madness that never ends
Pain is an endless journey I have embarked
Unlike most who allow it to take control of their lives
To attempt to kill the pain or allow it to kill them
But I chose to use the pain
I have learned how to break the torment, the heartless lies told by predators to their prey
I will break this world before it breaks me
My pain is my strength
I never intended to hurt you
But sometimes it was just so unbearable that I would push it out of my body onto you
So that even just for a brief minute
I could have a moment of relief
If I would only find myself talking to myself more than listening to myself I would probably have healthier thoughts
Your love poisoned me slowly
Odorless, tasteless, colorless, and I never saw it coming
Until it was too late
Until you had infiltrated every pore of my being
Until the day my heart stopped beating
Have you ever been torn between two choices
But you know the outcome whichever you choose is unhappiness
It’s like being six feet under and trying to catch a ray of sunshine
Can’t happen
Sometimes it’s hard to remember a time when I was happy
Surely there had to be at least one day of happiness in my life,right?
It seems like there are so many people like me but I have to pay for everything
And the interest is breaking me
No, I take that back, it has broken me.
Some things should not have consequences
Love
Why do I have to pay dearly for it
As if my own life is predestined for unspeakable torture
A friend asked me today
Why do I do what I do
I told her because if I don’t it will catch me
What? She asked
The unhappiness I am trying to escape from

You broke me
I realize this now
I didn’t understand why I was having problems
But it all makes sense to me now
Glueing back together
The pieces on the ground
The shards they cut so deeply
To many to count they all cannot be found
Loneliness is something I live with
Though my house has many inside
Put on a facade they don’t know what I’m wearing
They never see the tears that I hide
Desperate to feel something
Other than this bleakness you left me in
Try to write down to figure out reasons
But there’s not enough ink in my pen
Cannot speak in the language your using
My dialect is foreign to you
Dictionaries don’t have correct meanings
Nothing I say can make sense to you
Your hold is a vice around my heart
Tighter it grows with each gasping breath
I pretend to be somewhere far away
Drive myself to where you’d always stay
Look for your eyes in the faces of strangers
Hear your voice growing weaker
Feel your touch from a distant memory
Grasp for the chance to open you up to me
How I want to run but would you go with me
I’d go anywhere if you promised you never leave
It’s been months but I still believe
That you are the one who was made for me
Desperate for truth I seek out the answer
Looking for ways to get past all your laughter
I’m just a grain of sand on a beach full of pebbles
Replaced so easily I understand
That the words that you said they meant nothing to you
How quickly I fell for the lie I believed was you
You should get an award
you did what no one else could do
It’s been a living hell with the absence of you
Didn’t get a goodbye just a pocket of tears
Didn’t get to hold on to anything
But a life full of regrets
Cleaning out my closet
Boxing things I’d think they’d want
Little pieces worth nothing
To remember the person they lost
I’m Slowly putting it all together
The plans coming to an end
Living is the death of me
And this they don’t understand

Devils advocate

Where’s a hand I’m reaching out
I can’t find strength i scream and shout
Just want a shoulder to cry on
No ones here so ill just go on
Living hours, seconds, moments
Looking for someone but they never come
When I say I’m just deluded
You just laugh don’t see behind it
I’m not dying on the outside
But inside I’m full of disease
Slowly eating my ambition
Quickly putting me on my knees
Grasping, clawing, hunting
For a way out of this pit
But it’s dark and I am blinded
By the void that on my lips
It’s to late to say your sorry
Have my name engraved in stone
And it’s calling me to lay down
Six feet under where I belong
I hope you soon forget me
Hope what you left for was worth my life
Cause I’m fading only weeks left
Got my plan and it is just right
So before I close this chapter
Write the end and put it down
I just wanted once to let you
Realize how much you let me down
I don’t care if tears you splatter
On the ground right on my grave
It’s to late for you to come back
And I wouldn’t want you anyway
You tore my heart out completely
Left me desperate, confused
When I tried to put it back together
All I did was re-abuse
I’m not asking for forgiveness
I won’t care bout that anymore
Ill be living in a different hell
I traded this one for

Why are you still here

I’m going crazy again
Hearing voices inside of my head
Controlling my every move
Throwing things across the room

I’m ready to run again
Ready to put it all to an end
Give me a gun I can pull the trigger
Turn everything black with one move of my finger

No tears will fall down tonight
I’m running on empty, dried up inside
I want to erase all this shame
Give them more but I’m causing them pain

You don’t get to call me a failure
You can’t judge the wrongs that I’ve done
You broke me and left me with nothing
I did what had to be done

Finished creating a monster inside me
Out of the cage now she’s looking for blood
Chains couldn’t bind the torment she brings me
Resistance is futile when I’m not in your arms

Two dead bodies rotting together
Ones buried deep, one wakes every day
Empty hearts looking for something
Anything to make this nothing go away

My thoughts are so dark at this moment
My adrenaline is running full force
Erasing all evidence I existed
Throwing away what I should be living for

Realizing isn’t half of this battle
I don’t care if you think I’m insane
You don’t feel the reality I live in
Wouldn’t understand if I was able to explain

Shaking the hourglass, make it go quicker
Open my mouth but there’s only whispers
Dreading tomorrow I haven’t had sleep
Hope I can make it through one more week

Underestimated my minds brutal power
Been trampled upon like a beautiful flower
Treason myself to this game I can’t win
Ill be all alone when it comes to an end

Resist the temptation to flee from the pain
Get out from the cover go into the rain
Dive deep in the water go under the waves
Absorb my apologies like drops of ink on a page

I Can’t Forget

How do you do that?
Make me forget.
Take me to somewhere I’ve been before,
But it’s been so long that I forgot.
Do you feel it when you touch me?
The chills run across my skin.
Desire is overwhelming,
I can’t resist letting you in.
Speak my name slowly,
I want to soak it in.
It’s a warm place of shelter,
when I’m facing the bitter winds.
Keep my eyes open, I want to remember,
as I fall into your arms so strong,
your body moves to mine like a mirror.
Like we’ve been entwined all along.
Forgive me for my dirty confessions.
You don’t know what you do to me.
Turn me into an animal.
Clawing your back,setting blood free.
Eternally damned, now I’ve tasted your love.
Fighting for bondage, I don’t want to be released.
Keep you here forever, explore the unseen.
Naked, only you have put my fears at ease.
Starving for your flesh,
I cannot get enough.
Touch every part of my being.
I don’t want us to part.
Time has passed but feelings still alive.
Perhaps it was something different in your mind.
I only wish you could come over now.
Commitments I couldn’t make; I can give now.
Shouldn’t have went down memory lane.
I forgot how much this hurts.
It’s probably not even worth,
turning letters into words.
But for now,, I can’t forget.

No one is home

Take me somewhere far away from here
To a place where you can’t see my fear
Give up the life which has been chosen for me
I resign it all i just want to be free
Never resisted enticing temptations
Embraced a stranger in my bed
Gave up my body for a moment of pleasure
And I’d do it all over again
Tie up and bind me
Don’t leave any give
Mute my voice from my pleading
You don’t need me to forgive
Carve into my skin let the red flow
Until only the ugly shows
You enjoy my demise
Everything you say is lies
But it makes things alright
Take this deep into the night
When my tears stop flowing
It only means the pain is growing
And there’s no way your knowing
This is exactly what I need
Out of control I speak in riddles
Don’t make sense like the cat and the fiddle
Create a monster I have very little
My self esteem has already been belittled
Hands on my neck if they squeeze any tighter
Will put out the flames that only grow brighter
Too many drugs can’t get any higher
Forgot what I cannot seem to remember
Eyes open wide no sleep for the weary
Music is loud drowns out the voices I’m hearing
Conversations with myself no one is listening
Phone keeps ringing but I won’t be answering
No one is home tonight

March 18,2013

I’m sitting here watching the hours pass
Farther away I’m growing
There’s no turning back
Trying to forget why I’m holding a tissue
Desperately feeling the break that is coming
Noone to console me I’ve torn down those bridges
Forgot how cruel a person can be
Gave away my love its too hard to retrieve
Speak out loud
No I’d rather remain silent
Pretend I’m doing good
My mind-you’ll never get inside it
Pleading with myself not to give it away
Save these confessions for another day
Lightning strikes and I just catch it
Run from danger-no I embrace it
Fearing nothing but fear itself
Escaping from traps that I’ve placed myself
Ruining my life you took yours away
You left like the others but you promised you’d stay
I don’t blame you at all
I’m not worth the time
But you made me believe that you really were mine
Going on solo isn’t the worst I’ve endured
I’ve burned many chapters but yours I’ve just torn
Too sad to smile too proud to admit it
But you became the reason for existence
Grew up to fast
Knew tragedy young
Saw death first hand
Blame myself all along
Must be worthless must be a joke
For everything I love disappears like smoke
Vapors faded, rainbows turned dull
Shades pulled on the windows can’t see through them at all
Dreaming of things I’d never repeat
If it was rated like a movie it couldn’t be PG
Restricted for only the ones not faint of heart
Those who can laugh when ones life is torn apart
It doesn’t seem real
Questions unanswered still
I’m guilty but don’t get an appeal
Times the only thing I can’t seem to kill
Ready to throw it all away
Staring at my reflection as it fades away
Dreading the coming of another day
my life’s running out as I beg you to stay
The time has come to prove that I’m done
No more games have to finish what I’ve begun
Retreading, rewriting wrong turns I’ve went down
You’ve left me no trail, your nowhere to be found
Closest I’ve been to feeling frustrated
Handing out answers but mine’s complicated
I don’t own any words they surely own me
Don’t need a prescription but its too blurry to see
Faithfully silenced I won’t utter a sound
Your wont hear my tears as they fall to the ground