Poem in the dark

Is there a reason to hold on anymore?
Can there ever be something beyond all this pain?
My eyes have grown dim from the tears I hold in.
I push all aside. I don’t need this again.
I thought, just perhaps, there was beauty still waiting….
Until I began unwinding the noose.
Fire grew closer-I was breathing the fumes.
Seeing your face as you withered away.
I cannot do this.
No, not one single day.
No sleep for the weary.
No love that’s untouched.
By death’s cruel demise,
Caution is a must.
I let go of your memories,
For they only bring pain.
Making sense of this turmoil,
Emotionally, I am drained.
Blocked all your numbers,
I need not to see.
All the hurt you endure.
That’s all caused by me.
I started drifting, endlessly,
Even when I close my eyes.
Your stare haunts me.
Your memories still taunt me.
I want to speak;
To see if anyone is there.
To know if you can hear,
But my words become a puddle on the floor.
Drop by drop escaping my tired eyes,
I don’t know if I’m asleep or awake.
If I’m living or have died.
My heads on the ground.
The pain grows deeper.
My twisted way of thinking,
It is covered in black,
I can’t find my way back.
The birds have started singing.
So, I know I am not dreaming.
Another day to aimlessly travel;
Forging a life that is not my own.
No one knows.
I lie.
Hold tears inside,
No hero comes for me.
I must save myself.
But, I can hardly breathe.

Gather all your things

Gather all your things.
Take them far away from me.
For I can’t bear to remember the pleasure.
Pain now is all they contain.
Erase my memories of you.
If only that was easy to do.
I’d trade who I’ve become,
even if that meant forever being numb.
Shred my soul into pieces.
Scatter them into the wind.
At times, I’m not even human,
just a thought that appears at a whim.
Corrupted by your beauty,
it’s something so rare it’s hard to ignore.
You played your game so cunningly,
you had me fooled right down to my core.
Silence is louder without you.
Muddled thoughts run through my head.
In the breeze I smell your sweet fragrance.
Driving me crazy, to the point I wish I were dead.
Others stare, their interest I notice.
But I only have eyes for you.
Complicated roads left to travel.
None will lead me back to you.

Forever isn’t promised

Forever isn’t promised its a given
Ive walked through hell so there must be a heaven
Out of my reach I was far off course
Way out in left field while the ball is thrown to first
Always too late or way too early
Broke the clock against the wall just this morning
Running towards the line
Knowing ill finish last
Wanting to be your tomorrow
But already in your past
Riding with the tank on empty
Rolling the windows down
Ragged breaths come from my core
Turn the music up to drown out the sound
Putting it all on the line
Throwing dice one more time
A storm is coming the flash of light
Chills my soul as day turns night
Time to pay the piper its long overdue
Scribbled your name now it’s you they’ll sue
Read me my rights I don’t follow the rules
There’s no lock that can keep me I’ve got all the tools
Hold it together force a smile force your hand
Stake my claim while taking a stand
Tears stain my cheeks I’m a beautiful mess
Ill take your breath away with a gentle caress
Ask me the right questions and I can pass the test
Overlook all my problems and I’m better than the rest
Gaze through dirty windows and you’ll never see something clear
Toss a coin into a well and your wish isn’t any nearer
Love me now while tomorrow’s forgotten
Kiss my lips while their still ruby red
Tell me you love me while I’m able to hear
Cause I won’t care long after I’m dead

03/05/13

Smiles erased have appeared again
My lips can taste their laughter
The sound escapes the prison walls
I can feel the ever afters.
Heart of stone, now made of clay
Pliable to your Hands
We fit together like a hand in glove
Like the waves upon the sand.
Curtains once closed, now open wide
The sun is shining through
I’ve walked for miles down this one lane road
Before I returned to you.
Letting go of troublesome burdens
Picking flowers in the snow
Icy waters have warmed my body
Now I’m ready to finally let go.
Decisions I couldn’t make before
Have become so crystal clear
Pain over pleasure was familiar to me
Comfortable with living in fear.
But despite it all you seem amused
And I still seem to catch your eye
And you whittle away at what’s left of me
Till you reach what I buried inside.
Questions I ask no longer need answered
And I don’t need a map to find home
Finishing first no longer matters
Ill follow wherever you roam.
This time regrets will live in the past
And they’ll rise to the surface no more
I don’t really care who is first or is last
I’m not going to start keeping score.
Just enjoying every moment
Fearing only time itself
Lingering promises quietly spoken
Finished chapters put back on the shelf.

02/03/13

I’m just a crumpled piece of paper lying here that you threw away
Never even read just tossed out like the garbage
You don’t even care enough to be brutally honest
Why can’t you see that all I want all I need is just a moment just a minute
I keep looking through my memories trying to find when there was nothing else I could do
When your eyes didn’t look at me anymore
When your heart didn’t skip a beat over me
You gave me hope just to break me down
You taught me to swim just to watch me drown
I’m paralyzed here trying to find me but I can only see us
I was there when you had nothing but some words and an empty promise
I still have your things in a drawer which is where they’ll stay
After all these days I can still smell you on it
If that’s all I have to remember if its all in the past then why can’t I give them back
Maybe I asked for too much
Maybe I let you in too deep
Showed the side of me I didn’t think you’d love
Maybe I was right all along
Knowing it would end so I should have kept it all in
I’ve asked I’ve begged lowered my self esteem and even screamed
Like a wall you don’t even recognize my voice
My tears don’t mean anything anymore
Running scared in my mind i have to get away from you
Your tearing me down you don’t understand how much power you have
Just to hear your breath I would call and hang up
Listen to your messages just to go to sleep
Pretend that you really meant it the words you said to me
Now the only times you hold me is in my dreams
Regrets reruns of the times we meant what we’d say
Walking through the woods just being together
Watching your eyes light up and seeing your smile
My minds a photo album looking at the pictures of you
When you slept in my arms how I wish I could stay
But with the rising of the sun you slowly fade away
Like a snowflake on my tongue you melted from my touch
Couldn’t keep you here even though I want it soo much
I hope sometimes I cross your mind
I wish I could say hello without saying goodbye
I think I’m stuck between here and there
I guess ill break these chains when you set me free
I was blind for so long but you let me see
And the beauty of you shown bright
I was afraid of the darkness
I didn’t want to go back here
I didn’t believe I could remain happy
I didn’t want to hurt again
I dug my own grave and climbed down in it
You made me strong and now I’m weak
I can barely walk I can barely speak

1/28/13

Take me back again
Ill never let you down down
Ill never break a promise
Never make you frown

Call me please tonight
Just give me one more try
Let me put your hand in mine
I can let you in this time

thought I had it figured out but I wasn’t close
Thought I’d forget those eyes the deepest green
keep hearing echoes of your voice when I close my eyes
And your face haunts me every time I dream

How could I fall so far that I lose myself
Every breAth is a struggle since u went away
Coming up but the waves keep pushing me further down
Never more see the light of day

Kissed me once and I scratched you back
Gave me love and I wasted your time
Now I know what kind of a mess Ive made
And you don’t care that Ive changed my mind

Insomnia

My problem is that I think far too much. I over think, I worry, I stress, I remember stuff I should definitely put behind me. My mind has no turn off button at all. Sometimes this is good because I’m always looking for the next step forward, the next thing I have to do. Sometimes it’s super bad because I focus so much on things that went wrong, things I want to change, worrying about how things will pan out. I haven’t slept properly in at least 7 days because I just can’t shut off. I don’t know what’s up but my mind is obviously focused on something. I am mentally and physically exhausted 24/7. I wish I could say it should get better over the holidays but I have so much work to do that I know I’m gonna be just as stressed, only at home rather than here. I just really need to sleep and stay asleep for like a whole night. If I could manage that, just one night I think I’d be ok. Just a whole 8 hours without waking up every hour and then getting up in the morning and not feeling like I’ve even been to sleep. That would be really awesome.
Please turn off brain, just for one night?Life does not always turn out the way you want it too.I amount to nothing. I am not successful. Nor beautiful, inside or out. I do not have a purpose.That awkward moment when you realize how little you mean to anyone.We fall into this daily routine, this boring, repetitive routine. Events change our entire lives but the rest of the world keeps moving, no change. A part of me wants to enjoy the time I have and live it to the fullest, yet another part doesn’t understand why I should bother, why bother for anything because I don’t understand why it matters at all.