For You

I wish I could remember
What my mind made me forget
I’m sure it’s here just lurking
In a room filled with regret
If you saw me pretending
To not notice you standing there
The gestures would seem silly
Like me playing with my hair
I really want to see you
But not in this busy place
Maybe go back a year or two
And relive you touching my face
Fast forwArd to the moment
When we said our last goodbye
I never renounced my love for you
There’s tears I never cried
But some things cut so deeply
Like the blade upon my skin
Like the burn of a shot of whiskey
Like your name out of my lips
The days have seemed to brighten
And I’ve learned to sleep alone
Cleaned out most of my closets
Got rid of those skeleton bones
Tell strangers all the things
That I cannot tell my friends
They know just how I’m feeling
No need here for all that pretense
I’ll lick my lips spit out some more
Don’t let my words fall to the floor
Part of me they’ll never know
You get the harvest of the pain that I’ve sown

Stuck in a fog

I want to go
Anywhere but here
Get away from this fog
I need the air to be clear
I need to find forgiveness
I need some room to breathe
I need resuscitation
Lift me off of my knees
My bones they are so brittle
My skin is shallow grey
My eyes don’t shine like they use to
My voice does nothing but break
A place where the sun shines daily
Where laughter always flows freely
Future is promising
People are inspiring
Thats what I need.

I say whats on my mind
I talk to much
Takes skill to win at life
No need for luck
I cry because I’m mad I’m not in pain
Always outside-hide it in the rain

I’ll help you survive
I’ll take your hand
Never let go and I understand
How you feel we are on the same page
I’ll take the night watch you can have the day
Abandoned is what you’ll never be
Alone is not a word you’ll learn to read
Scars will disappear you have my word
Never will you again feel insecure

That would be nice
Don’t you think
If this fog wasn’t so dense
And a place existed that made such sence

Broken Locks

The locks have been broken
The storm is unleashed
Memories I had hidden
On my soul want to feast

Took off all my armor
Put my knife back in its sheaf
Felt the sun for a brief moment
Grew flowers were there was nothing but weeds

I guess I forgot to warn you
“Not everything is as it seems”
You never saw past the smiles
To the pain that lies underneath

And when that dam was shattered
When the floods came ravishing down
Left me alone to face the tempest
Water not air to inhale and drown

You didn’t agree to battle
Didn’t know I was already in war
How can you say that you know me
When you never even noticed the scars

Blaming you is not my intention
I’m shocked at the time that you stayed
I thought I had dealt with my demons
All this time they’ve been stalking their prey

My voice I want heard from the rooftops
No silencer put on this gun
I will say if only on paper
This will not be a rerun

I will not live in that darkness
Nor return to that place of shame
No regrets will come haunting my nightmares
I will look ahead to each brand new day

For yesterday’s only a memory
A reminder of what use to be
Some break from trying to stay there
While some of us try to break free

Saturday

I may not be beautiful
Or wear a size four
Don’t turn heads when I’m walking
No one opens any doors
I may not hold my head up proudly
And your eyes I’ll never meet
Cause there’s something deep inside me
POISEN spreading like disease
I won’t make much conversation
And your jokes won’t make me laugh
If a line was ever forming
I’d go straight towards the back
I’m lock inside a cage of fear
I crouch down in the dark
Cover my ears but I still hear him
His last words tear at my heart
I pushed away the one thing
That I needed most of all
Felt so safe within his presence
Knew he’d catch me if ever I’d fall
Scared he’d leave so I kept my distance
But in his arms so late at night
All the demons finally vanished
Clouds moved on
Sun shone so bright
Never will I forget to remember
Or erase the scars that show
I refuse to question the reasons
That assembled the walls that I know
But if ever a moments comes near me
When I get the chance to say
All the words that were unspoken
Were the ones that would have made you stay
I would shout them from the rooftops
Scream them out with passions unfurled
Break the silence of scared inhibitions
You’d understand the depth of my love
But I’m just a passive loner
Walking down this beaten path
Never stopping to smell the flowers
Always thinking of turning back

Mistakes

Your more than a memory
I hear you every day
See your face in all the photos
Words you wrote me haunt my brain
Stay awake so I don’t see you
Cause you visit every dream
Tore down every photo
Lit up all those letters
Turned to ashes every page
Matched your clothes
Watched them burn away
Doesn’t matter if I’m happy
If I’m sad it’s still the same
Feel the tide overwhelming
Pushing every breath out of my lips
It’s getting dark I’m going under
Don’t know which way is up
Panic has riddled my body
Caused my mind to become corrupt
Pulled the blinds down over the windows
Threw my phone against the wall
Desperately seeking a solution
Ignoring all of the calls
Remember how we promised
That we’d love until the end
Broken and shattered is how you left me
I thought you were so much better than him
You made me open my heart up
Something I swore was closed for good
You played me like a puppet
Then burned me like a pile of wood

Stupid me

Your more than a memory
I hear you every day
See your face in all the photos
Words you wrote me haunt my brain
Stay awake so I don’t see you
Cause you visit every dream
Tore down every photo
Lit up all those letters
Turned to ashes every page
Matched your clothes
Watched them burn away
Doesn’t matter if I’m happy
If I’m sad it’s still the same
Feel the tide overwhelming
Pushing every breath out of my lips
It’s getting dark I’m going under
Don’t know which way is up
Panic has riddled my body
Caused my mind to become corrupt
Pulled the blinds down over the windows
Threw my phone against the wall
Desperately seeking a solution
Ignoring all of the calls
Remember how we promised
That we’d love until the end
Broken and shattered is how you left me
I thought you were so much better than him
You made me open my heart up
Something I swore was closed for good
You played me like a puppet
Then burned me like a pile of wood

A hot Friday

Summers here once again,
There’s still no place to rest my head
Still smile that smile they don’t suspect
That my whole entity is a complete fucking mess
I cry behind the doors I lock
I scream at God-I’m the one He forgot
My echoes break the silent void
These blades have turned into some kind of sick toys
Giving up,,sounds easy to do
But it wouldn’t bring me any closer to you
For you’d be in heaven and I’d be in hell
For the sins I’m committing,loosing my mind as you can tell
Running out of options
And the ice is wearing thin
No ones throwing me a lifeline
Nor understands where all I’ve been
I close my eyes it’s all so peaceful
As drops fall on the ground
Only a brief moment of freedom
From the chains which have me bound
Pretend your hearing every word
Make me feel like I’m not alone
And even though my thoughts are slurred
Will you follow me into the unknown
What you see I do not share
I hide it every day
Keep my head down,work sunup to sundown
As my days are slipping away
~~L.R.~~

Winter cold

I want to remember everything you said to me
Even the beautiful lies that you led me to believe
Forever together
Nothing’s further from the truth
You sounded like an angel
When those words came out of you
Where would we be if life was fair
If stories never ended
If your soul the reaper spared?
Maybe I wouldn’t understand how to love
If the breaking of my heart hadn’t hurt ever this much
But your eyes still they haunt me
I still see you there, you know
When you come and walk beside me
Through the hollow nights I have come to know
We should have built that treehouse
Slept underneath the stars
Talked away the midnight hours
You should be holding me in your arms
And our daughter, what a treasure,
She has a gentleness to which none can compare
You should have seen her sparkle
In the dress she chose to wear
Your boy is the spitting image
Maybe that’s why I hold him so tight
I can see in the way he carries himself
He’s gonna turn out to be alright
But me, I’m just a loner
Driven by insatiable train of thoughts
Always reaching out to find you
Always forgetting it is me that is lost
Lost and going in circles
Frightened every corner I turn
And I’m desperately searching for something
But it slips away every time I try to hold
The cards are dealt among us
Why do I raise when I know I should fold
I’m fading along with your memory
Like this broken heart you long ago stole

Pain

Why can’t it just be over already
I don’t want to say hi anymore
You smile and tell me about your family you’re seeing
I’m sitting here holding back tears
I will leave again
With my tail between my legs
Head held down strength all gone
POISEN coming out of my mouth
Presents all opened
None for me
Not that I care
There’s no one I love
He’s gone away
Can I have him wrapped in ribbons and bows
Then there would be nothing I would want anyway
Just let me be
Pill poppin away
Take away my feelings
Ready to slice, cut, anything to erase this pain
The waves crash over my head
I cannot breathe
Cannot see through the mire
The darkness hides the ugliness
Haven’t slept
Haven’t ate
Have no hugs my pain to take
Grant me this one remaining wish
Easier death than to live
Life is no gift

Lunch break

There’s a teardrop falling
Your name it is calling
Only empty echoes of the past
Your leaving you can’t turn back
I should be there but I can’t

Refuse to see you like this
Your standing at the abyss
So much left unsaid
We’ll meet up again when I’m dead
Unanswered prayers fall upon my head

Curse the ones that let you go
Erased my name from their vocabulary so-
They no more require an excuse
Give no reason for a different view
Helped tie the rope into a noose

Push the door closed, bound up and locked
Their memories faded, my gun is loaded and cocked

I stare at the emptiness I can see in my eyes
The reflection seems normal but it’s clearly a disguise

I want to touch something beautiful
Feel some warmth beneath my skin
But blackness clouds everything around me
Forgiveness un granted for all of my sins

My thoughts are fast
My pen is slow
Speaking in circles
Unable to show

I cannot stop it’s surely a disease
It weighs me down I can barely even breathe
Torn apart at the seams
my pretense you believe