Muddled Mind

Truth be told I’m not alright
Privacy shows the pain I hide
Take off my makeup the scars collide
Breaking in two is just a matter of time

Days fly swiftly nights stand still
Sleep only comes with a handful of pills
Growing anticipation of hurdles in my path
Dragons free falling, bout to hit me with their wrath

Nothing but my empty hands
I bear no weapons here
Is it truth or is it lies
My sanity is unclear

To much time to wonder
When this raging storm will pass
Desperate girl puts on a smile
That only the mirror sees past

Rain

I love the rain
But only on my bad days
It gives me reason to stay inside
Reason to hide away
It’s cold on my skin
Like ice from the the sky
Stinging the nerves that once were dead
Now feel very alive
I love the rain
It washes the dirt off my hands
Reaches places I ignore
Crevices I’d like to forget
My hair is drenched
As I peel off my clothing
Puddles on the floor
Creating dirty laundry

I love the rain
It takes me away
I love the rain
But only on my bad days

Saturday

I may not be beautiful
Or wear a size four
Don’t turn heads when I’m walking
No one opens any doors
I may not hold my head up proudly
And your eyes I’ll never meet
Cause there’s something deep inside me
POISEN spreading like disease
I won’t make much conversation
And your jokes won’t make me laugh
If a line was ever forming
I’d go straight towards the back
I’m lock inside a cage of fear
I crouch down in the dark
Cover my ears but I still hear him
His last words tear at my heart
I pushed away the one thing
That I needed most of all
Felt so safe within his presence
Knew he’d catch me if ever I’d fall
Scared he’d leave so I kept my distance
But in his arms so late at night
All the demons finally vanished
Clouds moved on
Sun shone so bright
Never will I forget to remember
Or erase the scars that show
I refuse to question the reasons
That assembled the walls that I know
But if ever a moments comes near me
When I get the chance to say
All the words that were unspoken
Were the ones that would have made you stay
I would shout them from the rooftops
Scream them out with passions unfurled
Break the silence of scared inhibitions
You’d understand the depth of my love
But I’m just a passive loner
Walking down this beaten path
Never stopping to smell the flowers
Always thinking of turning back

08/12/13

Return the light you stole from me
Remove the blindfold I cannot see
You left me here to walk alone
You destroyed the place I knew as home
Listened to my silence
knowing there was pain
Haunted every memory
seemed my loss was your gain
Has it been easy
to go off on your own
Was I replaceable
so easy to disown
You promised you’d never leave me
Actually believed I had nothing to fear
You pulled me from the treacherous currant
Just to watch me drown in my tears
You saved me from my own destruction
Emptied the bullets out of my gun
Then gave me over to a slower corruption
Sharpened the blades so they’d pour out my blood
I didn’t want to come here
Knew too well the price that I’d paid
The only thing standing when I lost all before
Was my body without a name
Couldn’t find in the mirror
Any sign I was here
Couldn’t find my way back to this world
Stuck somewhere between here and there
Ink still wet
Words held back
And though your voice is silenced
I can still hear your song
No longer in my arms
Last breath come and gone

Just one night

I want to see you tonight
Not in a dream or memory
I want to touch your body
Feel your skin one more time
And I don’t care if you use me
Throw me away in the morning
I can’t sleep
Your all i think about
There’s an emptiness inside
That only you can fill
I’m ashamed of what you turned me into
You left pieces out of place
No one understands the puzzle
Your perfection only,this pain can erase
Trespass upon my private soul
I let no one in I let no one know
Being alone is easy to do
When the only one I ever
Wanted was you
Stop my persuasions
Change for me not
What happened between us
Does not matter
I’ve accepted my lot
Intentionally unlocked
Please make this stop
Reason with this one track mind
Doing everything against the grind
Running towards the warning sign
I don’t care about anything right now
I just want you to tell me how
I can get to you
What’s left of you
Is there any part of you
That misses my body
Did you forget completely
Unwind my foolish desires
Shoot down my hopes like a disease
Tie up these unleashed raw emotions
Bury deep all of these needs

I cannot find words right now

I cannot sleep again. It would seem like I’ve spent all of my energy so I wouldn’t think that it would be a problem. This Wednesday marks the four year mark from where I began this downward spiral. The day I lost it all. It seems like just yesterday he was here. Time has remained still. If that wasn’t enough to throw me off this month, my grandma had a major stroke last Sunday and I am waiting to hear of her passing. She cannot eat or drink and has a living will preventing tube feedings. Is there anyone in my life I will not have to say goodbye to? I really can’t keep doing this. I am already running on fumes and to face another loss now? Who do I lean on for support? I have never felt so alone. At times I am glad to not have make conversations on useless topics that do not indulge my brain to use itself. But at times like these, I need someone to talk to. I can’t even begin to write, which is my escape from solitude. The words are stuck in my heart and I am confused and full of anxiety. I thought it couldn’t get worse, you know, than losing your husband. But when I really need him to comfort me, is when the reality of being left alone hits hard. I did not mean to write a bunch of “pity me” crap. I’ll close with one final thought:
In the words of William Shakespeare,
“Hell is empty and all the Devils are here.”

6/30/13

You asked me why I’m leaving
Why I can’t stay another day
It’s not leaving that I’m doing
Rather I’m just running away
Am I running towards something I want
Or leaving something behind
Afraid to admit that I want you
Afraid to make you mine
I can’t stay not even a moment
For the ice is getting thin
Hearing the cracks
I stop and stumble
Am I going to sink or swim
Forgetting is easy your almost a memory
Your name I do not recognize
Closing my eyes the blindness is soothing
Reality brings your torment of lies
Go ahead try to tell me I’m bluffing
Say what you want I don’t care anymore
I’ve put you away where you cannot harm me
I traded my soul for this life that was ours
If I’m going to hell then you cannot come with me
I do not explain all this pain that I’m in
With nothing is how it was entered
And with nothing is how it will end

6/27/13

I’m going on
I’m merely existing
Realized long ago
There won’t be happy endings
Closing my eyes
To shut out your face
But the darkness won’t hide
Things I wished could be erased
Watching all the people
With their smiles on their faces
Keep myself together
Never showing any traces
Forgetting isn’t easy
When your everywhere i turn
What more can I get rid of
There’s nothing left for me to burn
Alone and yes I choose it
I won’t make that mistake again
Won’t let my guard down for one moment
Won’t spare your feelings with pretends
Where I go It does not matter
For you left me long ago
I laid some flowers on the cold ground
And kissed your name engraved in stone

You cannot just have a piece of me

There is soo much more to me than I allow most people to see. I will keep a part of myself hidden for I have learned through experience that it is unlovable. You can love the way my hand feels in yours, the way I will care for you when your sick, even the way I tickle your toes with mine. My soft words of encouragement when your down, my laugh, my sincere words “I love you”, those are lovable. But the way I don’t sleep at night, to hear me cry in my sleep from the nightmares, my distant personality, you don’t want to know that part of me. I need someone who is able to love me as a whole, not just parts. So it’s best to just walk away, because to love and be abandoned is a lesson you don’t want to learn. But if you do, I hope it is a lot less painful for you than it was for me.

Wanting more

I want more. To be beautiful. To look in a mirror and be satisfied. Maybe if I go on a zero calorie diet I can achieve some sense of self acceptance. I never feel good enough. Not just in life but in physical appearance which is trite to most but confidence is something that was taken away from me years ago and again recently.

I want someone to love and to love me through it all. Like my grandparents who are 92 and 90. Been married 70 years. My grandma (nana) has Alzheimer’s and my (pop pop) and been by her side daily. I want that. I would trade my eternal destiny, my entire soul, to find someone who adores me. The real me, faults and all. And there’s plenty of those, lmfao 🙂 so here is a pic of what I believe and wish everyone could have. COMMITMENT.