Wanting more

I want more. To be beautiful. To look in a mirror and be satisfied. Maybe if I go on a zero calorie diet I can achieve some sense of self acceptance. I never feel good enough. Not just in life but in physical appearance which is trite to most but confidence is something that was taken away from me years ago and again recently.

I want someone to love and to love me through it all. Like my grandparents who are 92 and 90. Been married 70 years. My grandma (nana) has Alzheimer’s and my (pop pop) and been by her side daily. I want that. I would trade my eternal destiny, my entire soul, to find someone who adores me. The real me, faults and all. And there’s plenty of those, lmfao 🙂 so here is a pic of what I believe and wish everyone could have. COMMITMENT.

You broke me
I realize this now
I didn’t understand why I was having problems
But it all makes sense to me now
Glueing back together
The pieces on the ground
The shards they cut so deeply
To many to count they all cannot be found
Loneliness is something I live with
Though my house has many inside
Put on a facade they don’t know what I’m wearing
They never see the tears that I hide
Desperate to feel something
Other than this bleakness you left me in
Try to write down to figure out reasons
But there’s not enough ink in my pen
Cannot speak in the language your using
My dialect is foreign to you
Dictionaries don’t have correct meanings
Nothing I say can make sense to you
Your hold is a vice around my heart
Tighter it grows with each gasping breath
I pretend to be somewhere far away
Drive myself to where you’d always stay
Look for your eyes in the faces of strangers
Hear your voice growing weaker
Feel your touch from a distant memory
Grasp for the chance to open you up to me
How I want to run but would you go with me
I’d go anywhere if you promised you never leave
It’s been months but I still believe
That you are the one who was made for me
Desperate for truth I seek out the answer
Looking for ways to get past all your laughter
I’m just a grain of sand on a beach full of pebbles
Replaced so easily I understand
That the words that you said they meant nothing to you
How quickly I fell for the lie I believed was you
You should get an award
you did what no one else could do
It’s been a living hell with the absence of you
Didn’t get a goodbye just a pocket of tears
Didn’t get to hold on to anything
But a life full of regrets
Cleaning out my closet
Boxing things I’d think they’d want
Little pieces worth nothing
To remember the person they lost
I’m Slowly putting it all together
The plans coming to an end
Living is the death of me
And this they don’t understand

Happy Easter :)

Snowy night

02/04/13

01/31/13

Why do the days seem longer with you out of my life?
Why does the bed seem bigger when I sleep on your side?
When will I see your face again cause i can’t remember how
To smile without you cause there’s no way,no how

I screwed up, gave up, turned the page too fast
When I lost you,forgot who,healed me from my broken past
Now I’m lost here, scared here afraid ill never see the light
Only nightmares, dark fears,I feel so all alone
For a moment, the time spent,made my house feel like a home

So you don’t care and I’m stuck here
Dreaming of your love
You know you broke me like a promise
And didn’t sign your name,just anonymous

Right on my heart, right before I fell apart
I would have given you every part
I felt something new with you,,a spark
Like a target, my heart was the mark

Maybe I should just disappear
Pack my things and move from here
Maybe it would help me forget
Or break this chain of “what could have been”regrets

I hope your happy I really do
I hope all the dreams that you have come true
I hope it never rains and the sun always shines
But Ill never stop wishing you still were mine

A venting spree

Who do you go to when you have no one? No one who understands? Do you bottle it up forever? Is there always hope? Is there always a rainbow after the storm? Can it be possible that life is one set of trials after another? Can a person truly be happy alone? I know many people who put their lives into their work and they seem content. Are they at end of the day glad that is their life. Is it possible to have everything but really nothing? Maybe once you’ve tasted companionship mixed with a high like a drug of having that one person to come home to. To share your day, your dreams, your desires with… Maybe that’s what society has impressed upon us. that we are not complete without a partner. It is harmful to listen to the same sad song over and over. To take out frustration in my garage with weights and punching the sh*t out of my punching bag. To run miles pushing my heart to its max and then keep going. To buy a new outfit and feel sexy and turn heads to get some kind of self esteem. I always feel not good enough, that he wouldn’t be satisfied with me. I know I write a complicated mess of emotions, and it’s only because I want to be normal. I’ve heard that they’re are many types of abuse. I always thought of physical as being the only true kind but have learned that psychological can be just as harmful. I’ve been through every type of abuse you could go through, all by the hands of the man I gave my life to,, had his children. He was a good father. We played the role outwardly of a happy family but behind closed doors it was different. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in speaking ill of the deceased. I really did love him. I honored all the vows I said before God. Even when he went out on me, I’m not in any way seeking pity, I don’t deserve it. I had my faults as well. Could have given more than I did. I just feel sometimes like my writings are desperately in the category of placing myself as a victim and I’m honestly not wanting to come across that way. I am trying to heal and move on. But I carry this opinion of myself that has been forced upon me over many years that I am not worthy for anything good. For happiness. And I want it. I would give up everything I own to find it. I’ve tried going to the Drs. and tried multiple concoctions, but to know avail. I refuse to be a guinea pig. I am normal. I just need to learn how to love myself. When or if you’ve ever been cheated on, it makes you think something is wrong with you. I keep myself up. I never let myself go physically. I’m attaching a picture so u can see. I realize I’m not the best looking woman out there but am I that repulsive? I just want help. I am on a limited budget, I nanny 2 kids while mine are in school so I can make ends meet. I need advise. What do I do to gain love for myself? When my husband died, drowned at 33, I was devastated. I never signed up for single parent life. Why am I afraid to open up? Because it is always good in the beginning. Maybe I am afraid of going through what I went through before. The physical, mental abuse that left me a broken unhappy woman. Has anyone ever been through this? How do u heal without meds. I don’t want to drink. God knows I did that for two years after he passed.any comments would be much appreciated. But please make them useable or from experience. I’ve been on some bad medicine and don’t want to go down that road again.you probably think I’m ignorant but actually, not tooting my own horn :), I’m smart.I’m real. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. But those things don’t matter anymore. I need to move forward but I feel damaged. It’s hard. Anyway,, enough venting.. Hopefully you didn’t make it this far,, if so God bless. I hope everyone has a good week. I love you all my WP friends. Xoxo

Forever Broken tat on my ribcage