Why are you still here

I’m going crazy again
Hearing voices inside of my head
Controlling my every move
Throwing things across the room

I’m ready to run again
Ready to put it all to an end
Give me a gun I can pull the trigger
Turn everything black with one move of my finger

No tears will fall down tonight
I’m running on empty, dried up inside
I want to erase all this shame
Give them more but I’m causing them pain

You don’t get to call me a failure
You can’t judge the wrongs that I’ve done
You broke me and left me with nothing
I did what had to be done

Finished creating a monster inside me
Out of the cage now she’s looking for blood
Chains couldn’t bind the torment she brings me
Resistance is futile when I’m not in your arms

Two dead bodies rotting together
Ones buried deep, one wakes every day
Empty hearts looking for something
Anything to make this nothing go away

My thoughts are so dark at this moment
My adrenaline is running full force
Erasing all evidence I existed
Throwing away what I should be living for

Realizing isn’t half of this battle
I don’t care if you think I’m insane
You don’t feel the reality I live in
Wouldn’t understand if I was able to explain

Shaking the hourglass, make it go quicker
Open my mouth but there’s only whispers
Dreading tomorrow I haven’t had sleep
Hope I can make it through one more week

Underestimated my minds brutal power
Been trampled upon like a beautiful flower
Treason myself to this game I can’t win
Ill be all alone when it comes to an end

Resist the temptation to flee from the pain
Get out from the cover go into the rain
Dive deep in the water go under the waves
Absorb my apologies like drops of ink on a page

Dancing in the light of candles

Dancing in the light of candles
Sending a shadow against the wall
Swaying to the beat of the music
Closing my eyes forgetting it all
I was right all along
We were dancing to different songs
I’m up for anything to take away this pain
Walking on the wrong side of town
Inviting un welcomed strangers
Pressing the knife against my throat
If it pierces any deeper
Everything inside will spill out to the ground
Digging my grave, my shovel gets duller
My muscles ache, I can’t see any clearer
The life I live ended empty not fuller
As my blood flows out, I’m feeling much cooler
My breaths are erratic and shallow
It’d be quicker to swing from the gallows
But who would cut me down
There’s no one around
Everyone looks and stares
With hatred in their glares
Pleased to know I’m pained
As if my loss is their gain
They tell me I’m going insane
What could they possibly know
My mind is something I loathe
Wakes me up from peaceful dreams
To repeat seeing unspeakable things
Mistakes I cannot correct
Gave away my soul, no taking it back
Walked away when I should have clung on
Spewed out words
Aimed at you like a song
Made you forget why you loved me all along
Free falling without pulling the cord
Feeling the rush as I knock on death’s door
Writing goodbyes were never easier to do
Taking my time there’s a lot to get through
Hopefully my memory will be more favored than my life
Sometimes it seems it takes a wrong to make a right
Going through the motions these last few days
Making sure all ends are tied up so no one feels them self to blame
It just isn’t worth it
Living here without you now
I don’t know how
I’ve followed their advice
Threw the ring away-no longer a wife
Danced with death
Not two times but thrice
Corrupted my body with poisons and vices
Seen ghosts in my room
Been utterly severely frightened
Got down on my knees
Prayed to God up above
Begged him to send me someone to love
But I ruined that too
Must be the thing that I do
Turn a diamond into coal
Climb a mountain end up in a hole
Stole my sanity
Put a spell on my heart
Freedom only comes with a knife to my heart
Wish I could tell you
Wish I could explain
But you gave up long ago
And myself is the one to blame
I need to stop rambling
Write something that makes sense
But if your confused in reading this
Than your probably in my head
Humans are only capable
To a certain degree
Before there’s no more bend just a break
And I admit I’ve seen defeat
I’m baring it all
My clothes are at my feet
Don’t look/ there’s no beauty to see
Insecure doesn’t measure
How he made me feel
I wish I could have accepted you found
Pleasure but I know only lies
And it doesn’t matter how hard I’d tried
I didn’t believe I was good enough for you
But you found the one who pleases you
So that leads me to believe
I was never deceived
You would have left eventually
But the pains still real inside me
I can’t try not ever again
To ever let anyone in
To many scars,he spoke honestly when he degraded
Didn’t care about my feelings
Guess that’s why I’m so damn jaded
Whatever your doing
Whoever you love
I won’t bother you I erased your number
I might be ignorant but I’m not dumb
I hope she makes you happy
Which I’m sure she does
Could you just every once in awhile
Bring my name to your lips
Close your eyes remember how I felt on your chest
I don’t expect ill ever hear from you again
So I know now that this really is the end

Insomnia

My problem is that I think far too much. I over think, I worry, I stress, I remember stuff I should definitely put behind me. My mind has no turn off button at all. Sometimes this is good because I’m always looking for the next step forward, the next thing I have to do. Sometimes it’s super bad because I focus so much on things that went wrong, things I want to change, worrying about how things will pan out. I haven’t slept properly in at least 7 days because I just can’t shut off. I don’t know what’s up but my mind is obviously focused on something. I am mentally and physically exhausted 24/7. I wish I could say it should get better over the holidays but I have so much work to do that I know I’m gonna be just as stressed, only at home rather than here. I just really need to sleep and stay asleep for like a whole night. If I could manage that, just one night I think I’d be ok. Just a whole 8 hours without waking up every hour and then getting up in the morning and not feeling like I’ve even been to sleep. That would be really awesome.
Please turn off brain, just for one night?Life does not always turn out the way you want it too.I amount to nothing. I am not successful. Nor beautiful, inside or out. I do not have a purpose.That awkward moment when you realize how little you mean to anyone.We fall into this daily routine, this boring, repetitive routine. Events change our entire lives but the rest of the world keeps moving, no change. A part of me wants to enjoy the time I have and live it to the fullest, yet another part doesn’t understand why I should bother, why bother for anything because I don’t understand why it matters at all.