Getting it out

Today I am trying really hard to be self-sufficient. This is one of those days where I miss having a partner. My oldest boy,13, is pushing my buttons. I can’t give in which is the easiest thing to do. I have to stand my ground. I’m afraid at times I’m too hard or don’t spend enough time with him. I blame my work schedule which is an 55 hour week, every week. But that’s the minimum I can do to get by. Something’s gotta give. I miss feeling like someone cares. I know I isolate myself. I feel selfish if I spend time with others instead of my children. It’s a lose, lose situation. I just want them to be happy. I thought I had figured out some things but I guess I didn’t. I miss drowning my sorrows with dysfunctional habits. But being of sound mind has its benefits. I need positive energy. Even the music has a way if making me remember and miss. I just needed a few quiet minutes to get this out of my head. There is no better feeling than being loved. How I miss that.

Waiting for no one

She waited by the door, as if bound to some unknowing visitor, who would come and open the door and she would gladly welcome him home. But no one came. No one ever came. Yet every night she waited. Patiently as if she did not know the outcome of this never ending ritual. Sometimes she’d put on a pretty dress and fix her hair and make up. Sometimes she’d just wear her baggy sweats and an oversized T-shirt but there she would stand and wait. Until the darkness took its toll on her eyes and she’d slowly drift off to sleep.
To replay the same scenario in her mind. Effortlessly as she slipped into his arms and felt his embrace. As he pushed back the strands of hair to gently kiss her lips. When desire took hold and they were no longer separate beings but joined as close as any two could ever be. Not knowing where one started and another ended. That place is where she wanted to stay. Forever with him. Where no sorrow could enter, no tomorrow to worry about, no yesterday to cry over. Just here and now. It is beautiful here. But she’d wake up on the floor by the door and continue in her mundane life until sunset, where she’d wait once again for him. It was an illusion she couldn’t live without. For there she would find peace in an out of control world which was hers.