07/23/13

Little girl you grew so quickly
Seems like things have changed soo much
From the dreams you wished that could be
From the innocence of love

Little child don’t you shed tears
For in you there was such hope
Although the storms are raging bitter
Your not quite at the end of your rope

Beautiful stranger I thought I knew you
For we use to share one mind
But somehow I guess I lost you
Sands run out, there’s no more time

Unbreakable spirit that you once had
Untouchable plans that never came through
So close to having it perfected
Until fate decided to spew

Despise not my foolish ambitions
I tried to hear your voice deep inside
Against my will you faded completely
I couldn’t keep you even if I had tried

But each day I look in the mirror
Hidden deep down inside of me
I see your reflection distinctly
Wish I knew how to set you free

Yet we are both still here
The time has not yet come for our demise
Though darkness is ever near
This too will pass it’s only a guise

When I lost him that’s when I lost me
I try to hide it from a world that doesn’t understand
Everything I knew and loved was taken away
A memory of a life that used to be planned

I speak quietly now in a whisper
My chest closes and it’s soo hard to breathe
Why can’t this feeling be fleeting?
Without bringing me to my knees?

To remain socially invisible
Only seen by eyes like my own
Reality gone living in illusions
Afraid nothing’s left unknown

My mind tramples my words as they come out
Changes the course of my fate
I thought I was done, decided to bow out
And I had even set a date

Cursing the sun that shows imperfections
Provides ammunition to fuel the desire
Remaining unhinged despite the deceptions
Blowing the smoke from my burning cigar

If you hear me, I’m calling, I’m begging
Suck this poison out of my brain
Your the one thing I still believe in
Please make it all go away

Frightened, alone, and abandoned
Curtains closing, my eyes growing dim
Underneath pretense, your merely a shadow
A reminder of what could have been

Take this burden from me
Faltering words won’t come at all
Convince me that there is someone
Waiting down there to cushion the fall

For every fragment that was dug out from me
And every wound with its blood pouring down
Torched my dreams and the ashes are dissipating
My last ragged breath produces no sound

3:50am

Write it down I want to read
What you really think about me
Take your time do not erase
Leave every word in its place
Start with how you heard my name
And end it with my being insane
And tell me how you read all about
My life like a book that fell off a shelf
What went through your mind when I wanted to die
Could you relate to those feelings I didn’t hide
Did I scare you a little did I scare you a lot
Did I sound like someone who was best just forgot
Did you laugh with my pleasure
Did you cry with my tears
Did you understand at all the reason I was here
Did you miss me in my silence
Did you wonder how I was
Did you get inside this head of mine
Feel the anguish and all that it does
I wish I could tell another story
One that ended with dreams coming true
But that would require a different lifetime
And we were never promised two
I want to hear what you show to no one
I want your secrets whispered in my ear
I want to enter into your being
Blend together what’s left of our years
So wont you tell me what your thinking
Don’t leave out not a single detail
I know I come across with weakness
I know you know Im just frail
Pick me apart pull out all my feathers
I won’t need them anymore anyway
The burdens to heavy to lift off this cold earth
And my strength has withered away

Forget Your Worries

Forget your worries, smile today.
Let the rain wash your tears away.
Your beautiful just the way you are.
Even if you fade like a falling star.
Don’t think about tomorrow.
Don’t think about the past.
Just here and now is where your living at.
Don’t pick that flower, step over that ant.
Think maybe you can instead of you can’t.
Your never ever truly alone.
Look down at your side, there’s a hand you can hold.
Your special, unique, and that’s what makes you, you.
In the stillness of this moment your unbreakable too.
If you’d only lift your eyes up,
if you’d only stop to see.
All the strength it took to get here,
you have everything you need.
Yours scars just say your human.
Admitting your weak doesn’t make you frail.
Maybe, you can be that shoulder to cry on.
When somebody else is going through hell.
To feel the deepest emotions;
Many will never get to do
but you know how to treasure a smile.
For it seems there’s always so few.
So today, forget your worries.
Let the rain wash your tears away.
For your beautiful just the way you are
and I hope you never will change.

Devils advocate

Where’s a hand I’m reaching out
I can’t find strength i scream and shout
Just want a shoulder to cry on
No ones here so ill just go on
Living hours, seconds, moments
Looking for someone but they never come
When I say I’m just deluded
You just laugh don’t see behind it
I’m not dying on the outside
But inside I’m full of disease
Slowly eating my ambition
Quickly putting me on my knees
Grasping, clawing, hunting
For a way out of this pit
But it’s dark and I am blinded
By the void that on my lips
It’s to late to say your sorry
Have my name engraved in stone
And it’s calling me to lay down
Six feet under where I belong
I hope you soon forget me
Hope what you left for was worth my life
Cause I’m fading only weeks left
Got my plan and it is just right
So before I close this chapter
Write the end and put it down
I just wanted once to let you
Realize how much you let me down
I don’t care if tears you splatter
On the ground right on my grave
It’s to late for you to come back
And I wouldn’t want you anyway
You tore my heart out completely
Left me desperate, confused
When I tried to put it back together
All I did was re-abuse
I’m not asking for forgiveness
I won’t care bout that anymore
Ill be living in a different hell
I traded this one for

Listen to me

Hear what I am saying,
this might be my last chance.
To tell you what I’m thinking.
To rid the guilt from my past.
It’s time to empty the coffins.
Raise up things long buried ago.
Before its to late to tell you.
I need to let you know.
The hands are moving,
on the face of my enemy.
Time cannot cure;
It’ll be the death of me.
You always wanted my feelings.
Let you have them in your hands to hold,
but I could never release them.
Bound them in my body and soul.
I will try to put off my instincts,
separate from the comfortable and known.
Return as a watchful outsider,
who can narrate what really needs told.
Let go of your hand when you were falling,
Pushed away your attempts to get near.
Closed my eyes to the pain you were feeling.
Lit the fire under all of your fears.
Always thought that there’d be a tomorrow,
Held grudges I should have let go.
Opened hells’ door told you where you could go.
Then you left and I didn’t believe it
Waited to wake from a horrible dream
Kept your things cause I thought you would need them
Goodbyes left unsaid, couldn’t be as it seems.
When I stood in front of your family
In front of your friends and all those you knew
Frozen in time, I felt like a statue
Going through motions to pay you your due.
Didn’t know who I was here without you
Didn’t know how to get on with my life
Raising our kids without you to turn to
Each decision I made, none of them right
Frightened to hold it together
Cutting released some of the pain
Substances took away emotions
Walls helped me not to betray
The years have a way of decaying
Memories I thought never I’d lose
Withered the flowers once fragrant
Until I became just as dead as you

My words are a mirror

My words are a mirror. Reflections of me.
Forcing you to look past my face.
Unravel each clue, don’t leave out any piece.
Uncover who I really can be.
There are times when I cover with “makeup”.
The blemishes I hold inside.
There are times that I put on a
smile.
When deep down I’m crying out why?
Things I say to mask the truth,
To appear to be in control.
Forcing myself to use words I don’t feel.
So you cannot see into my soul.
Free up this twisted,wicked one,
who talks to me inside my head.
Pretend to be on top of the world,
when I’m falling off the deep end.
Say something pretty, say something nice.
Something pleasant into your ear:
There’s a rainbow so vivid, it’s a beautiful sight.
But it’s not anywhere close to here.
I could tell you of things I’ve read in books,
or heard from the wisdom of old.
I could write you a sonnet with only white keys,
’cause the black ones hold stories untold.
Dance for you in the light of a candle;
Entice you with the touch of my hands.
Warm your body under the moonlight;
Flesh upon flesh-no need for more.
Nothing to hide, leaving it all exposed.
My place of refuge, only you I hold.
What do you want from me?
I have nothing more to give.
You watched me cry in the dark.
Saw me fall to pieces.
Put them back together.
Just to walk and leave.
He messed me up.
Had some miles in hell to cross.
Put me on a pedestal-
just to disappear when I fell.
Fight for me! don’t give in.
I promise I won’t hurt you again.
Afraid of getting to close to the fire,
Douse me with flames.
I’ll prove my love is true.
Let them talk-let them stare.
What they think- I really don’t care.
Ashamed of my doubts,
I was more than afraid.
I just need you for one more day.
Teach me how to trust, I don’t know how.
Force me to demolish these walls, I unknowingly put up now.
This is new to me,
I’ve had enough.
I can only take so much.
Lead and I will follow.
Your strength I’ll have to borrow.
Your kiss deceives your feelings.
My soul you are stealing.
Lest you forget,,,

March 18,2013

I’m sitting here watching the hours pass
Farther away I’m growing
There’s no turning back
Trying to forget why I’m holding a tissue
Desperately feeling the break that is coming
Noone to console me I’ve torn down those bridges
Forgot how cruel a person can be
Gave away my love its too hard to retrieve
Speak out loud
No I’d rather remain silent
Pretend I’m doing good
My mind-you’ll never get inside it
Pleading with myself not to give it away
Save these confessions for another day
Lightning strikes and I just catch it
Run from danger-no I embrace it
Fearing nothing but fear itself
Escaping from traps that I’ve placed myself
Ruining my life you took yours away
You left like the others but you promised you’d stay
I don’t blame you at all
I’m not worth the time
But you made me believe that you really were mine
Going on solo isn’t the worst I’ve endured
I’ve burned many chapters but yours I’ve just torn
Too sad to smile too proud to admit it
But you became the reason for existence
Grew up to fast
Knew tragedy young
Saw death first hand
Blame myself all along
Must be worthless must be a joke
For everything I love disappears like smoke
Vapors faded, rainbows turned dull
Shades pulled on the windows can’t see through them at all
Dreaming of things I’d never repeat
If it was rated like a movie it couldn’t be PG
Restricted for only the ones not faint of heart
Those who can laugh when ones life is torn apart
It doesn’t seem real
Questions unanswered still
I’m guilty but don’t get an appeal
Times the only thing I can’t seem to kill
Ready to throw it all away
Staring at my reflection as it fades away
Dreading the coming of another day
my life’s running out as I beg you to stay
The time has come to prove that I’m done
No more games have to finish what I’ve begun
Retreading, rewriting wrong turns I’ve went down
You’ve left me no trail, your nowhere to be found
Closest I’ve been to feeling frustrated
Handing out answers but mine’s complicated
I don’t own any words they surely own me
Don’t need a prescription but its too blurry to see
Faithfully silenced I won’t utter a sound
Your wont hear my tears as they fall to the ground

02/04/13

Another day anotheR tear falls
AnotheRday of unanswereD calls
Keeping busY to forget your face
No more to do I’vE already pled my case
Opening up boxes i should have left closeD
Taking back emotions your hands had stole
Walking in circles going nowhere fast
Not moving forward living in the past
Listening to your favorite tunes
everything you needed was in front of you
Pulling the elastic til it almosT snaps
Getting stucK in these complicated trapS
I asked you to stay but you left
You have my hearT without consent it’s theft
And youR days are good while mine are sour
Your thriving I’m dying like picked flowers
running out of words my thoughts are jumbled up
My throat is parched all’s left an empty cup
ill catch my tears in a bottle seal it with a kiss
throw it in the sewer let it sink in piss
Let the darkness overcome me
Embrace these feelings of disease
Turn the tables turn the page
Start havinG tolerable days
If it comes to me at night
Ill blow out the candles turn off the light
Your rising up I’m sinking down
Your acting cool I’m playing thE clown
That was thE last time I will ask you to calL
You don’t need me anymore I won’t crawl
I wont answeR if you knock on my Door
I wont let you hurt me Anymore

02/01/13

You were my strength-the hand that helped me up
You were my Sun-the light that took away the darkness
You were my map-the one that gave me direction
You were my Saturday-the refreshing end to a long hard week
You were my tool-the nail that put me back together
You were my anchor-that kept me from drifting away
You were my hello-when I was only use to goodbye
You were my hope- that tomorrow was going to be better than yesterday
You were my excuse-the reason for my existence
You were my friend-the one I could count on to be there
You were my lover-the perfect touch that left me breathless every time
You are my tears-you are my sleepless nights-you are my dreams-you are my days-you are my thoughts-you are my regrets-you are everything to me

Inside a mind

If I could feel this much pain just by reading what you wrote,
I wonder how much more there is as you turn those emotions into words
Your put your hands over your eyes to prevent the tears from falling,
You try to hold your breath just to keep your mouth from screaming.

Trying to hold the pen straight had never been this hard from you,
Yet you kept on writing whatever’s left of what you thought was true
Agony tied you in chains and you’re losing hope you could break free
Memories of what used to be haunt you in your sleep and in reality

If I could, I’d take away your sorrow and carry it on my shoulder,
The past you wish to forget, I’d be the one to painfully remember
When you feel the world has deserted you,just call out my name
I’ll be there in a flash trying to make you feel okay

If its space that you need I’d let you have it and just wait here
I ask nothing in return but hope that better you will feel
How do I unbreak and unshatter the pieces of your heart
Tell me what I can say or do to make everything alright.