Saturday

I may not be beautiful
Or wear a size four
Don’t turn heads when I’m walking
No one opens any doors
I may not hold my head up proudly
And your eyes I’ll never meet
Cause there’s something deep inside me
POISEN spreading like disease
I won’t make much conversation
And your jokes won’t make me laugh
If a line was ever forming
I’d go straight towards the back
I’m lock inside a cage of fear
I crouch down in the dark
Cover my ears but I still hear him
His last words tear at my heart
I pushed away the one thing
That I needed most of all
Felt so safe within his presence
Knew he’d catch me if ever I’d fall
Scared he’d leave so I kept my distance
But in his arms so late at night
All the demons finally vanished
Clouds moved on
Sun shone so bright
Never will I forget to remember
Or erase the scars that show
I refuse to question the reasons
That assembled the walls that I know
But if ever a moments comes near me
When I get the chance to say
All the words that were unspoken
Were the ones that would have made you stay
I would shout them from the rooftops
Scream them out with passions unfurled
Break the silence of scared inhibitions
You’d understand the depth of my love
But I’m just a passive loner
Walking down this beaten path
Never stopping to smell the flowers
Always thinking of turning back

Bloodstain on your hands-song attempt

Vrs.1
My heart had been broken
Torn into two
Never again to feel love flowing through
Thought I could handle
Weighed all the costs
Opened myself risking all that I got

Chorus:
Are you happy now
When you see my tears
Knowing all of me I gave you
Was all I had left to give
When you walked away
Without looking back
Did you notice all the blood stains
From the knife you drove in my back

Vrs.2
You told me you loved me
You told me you cared
That no matter what you would always be here
Glued back the pieces
Healed all the scars
Only to shatter what was left of my heart

Chorus:
Are you happy now
When you see my tears
Knowing all of me I gave you
Was all I had left to give
When you walked away
Without looking back
Did you notice all the blood stains
From the knife you drove in my back

Vrs.3
I thought you were perfect
Believed all your lies
Never imagined was just a matter of time
Till you slipped through my hands
Like sand on a beach
I really hope she’s every thing that you need

Break:
I find it hard to breathe without you
I’m on the edge and ready to jump
I only want one time to touch you
But that’s asking far to much

Chorus:
Are you happy now
When you see my tears
Knowing all of me I gave you
Was all I had left to give
When you walked away
Without looking back
Did you notice all the blood stains
From the knife you drove in my back

Your covered in my bloodstains
And you pushed me off the ledge

Taking a break

I am going to take a break from writing for a little bit, I feel i have indulged too much of myself and i am uncomfortable opening up to the thoughts and feelings that some may view as weird or just insane. Not that i care what people think of me. I am who I am but I will still write in my journal just not post for a bit. I having a rough time as I have for years now but it’s escalating and I don’t know How much words will be interpreted. I appreciate the comments they really mean a lot to me. Ill be back soon but I just wanted to leave you with a quote:

02/11/13

What happens when you forget who you are
You look in the mirror and see a stranger
Even my eyes hold a distant look- like their from another face
Doing the daily routine but it’s like I’m watching a play
But missing the pieces to fill the empty space
Forgetting how to smile, forgetting how to care
Especially since there is no one else here
I’ve turned into a recluse-I talk to noone
Music is my only escape
Listen to the same songs on repeat
Every night when I’m running the streets
Looking for forgiveness
I need to make up for hurting someone I love
But somehow my words aren’t nearly enough
I guess sometimes it’s not me that burns bridges
So I cannot get to him to repair all the damage
I finally realize he really doesn’t care
So I have no choice but to rid this despair
Forget the past/forget the future is what they tell me
But there’s nothing here emptiness is all I see
My eyes have run dry I’ve given up on love
Time cannot erase this despair I can’t get out of
Just a promise and a small little dream
Is more than I deserve it must be extreme
Settle for nothing sleep all alone
Try to be satisfied in the building I call home
Get up early go to bed late
Dream all my nightmares that keep me awake
Im not permitted to find rest most nights
I am afraid to close my eyes
In fear of what the dreams will hold
What goes on inside is out of my control
Resisting the urge to quench this flame
Just sit and stare out the window frame
There’s a piece of me missing that you didn’t give back
There’s a hole on my heart not some little crack
Ill make sense of this chaos unaided by you
Repair every puncture, all this poison I’ll spew
I can see a little clearer, now I’m up off my knees
Id been fighting against a cyclone, now its just a gentle breeze You weren’t just jotted down in pencil some memory easily erased
You are carved into my soul, now it’s forever defaced
I enjoy the suns warmth even when covered with clouds
I can enjoy a quiet moment when in the midst of a crowd
The moon does not to be full for me to enjoy her beauty,
Just like the flower can turn my head when it’s petals are droopy
Ive learned a lesson or two, on the back of every mistake
Things I’ve wanted to hold on to I’ve had to forsake
Although I’m at the surface and I’m able to stay afloat
I’m no longer drowning but don’t have the strength to build a boat

A venting spree

Who do you go to when you have no one? No one who understands? Do you bottle it up forever? Is there always hope? Is there always a rainbow after the storm? Can it be possible that life is one set of trials after another? Can a person truly be happy alone? I know many people who put their lives into their work and they seem content. Are they at end of the day glad that is their life. Is it possible to have everything but really nothing? Maybe once you’ve tasted companionship mixed with a high like a drug of having that one person to come home to. To share your day, your dreams, your desires with… Maybe that’s what society has impressed upon us. that we are not complete without a partner. It is harmful to listen to the same sad song over and over. To take out frustration in my garage with weights and punching the sh*t out of my punching bag. To run miles pushing my heart to its max and then keep going. To buy a new outfit and feel sexy and turn heads to get some kind of self esteem. I always feel not good enough, that he wouldn’t be satisfied with me. I know I write a complicated mess of emotions, and it’s only because I want to be normal. I’ve heard that they’re are many types of abuse. I always thought of physical as being the only true kind but have learned that psychological can be just as harmful. I’ve been through every type of abuse you could go through, all by the hands of the man I gave my life to,, had his children. He was a good father. We played the role outwardly of a happy family but behind closed doors it was different. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe in speaking ill of the deceased. I really did love him. I honored all the vows I said before God. Even when he went out on me, I’m not in any way seeking pity, I don’t deserve it. I had my faults as well. Could have given more than I did. I just feel sometimes like my writings are desperately in the category of placing myself as a victim and I’m honestly not wanting to come across that way. I am trying to heal and move on. But I carry this opinion of myself that has been forced upon me over many years that I am not worthy for anything good. For happiness. And I want it. I would give up everything I own to find it. I’ve tried going to the Drs. and tried multiple concoctions, but to know avail. I refuse to be a guinea pig. I am normal. I just need to learn how to love myself. When or if you’ve ever been cheated on, it makes you think something is wrong with you. I keep myself up. I never let myself go physically. I’m attaching a picture so u can see. I realize I’m not the best looking woman out there but am I that repulsive? I just want help. I am on a limited budget, I nanny 2 kids while mine are in school so I can make ends meet. I need advise. What do I do to gain love for myself? When my husband died, drowned at 33, I was devastated. I never signed up for single parent life. Why am I afraid to open up? Because it is always good in the beginning. Maybe I am afraid of going through what I went through before. The physical, mental abuse that left me a broken unhappy woman. Has anyone ever been through this? How do u heal without meds. I don’t want to drink. God knows I did that for two years after he passed.any comments would be much appreciated. But please make them useable or from experience. I’ve been on some bad medicine and don’t want to go down that road again.you probably think I’m ignorant but actually, not tooting my own horn :), I’m smart.I’m real. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. But those things don’t matter anymore. I need to move forward but I feel damaged. It’s hard. Anyway,, enough venting.. Hopefully you didn’t make it this far,, if so God bless. I hope everyone has a good week. I love you all my WP friends. Xoxo

A winter night

And I have had this weird feeling for a few years now, the only way I know to describe it is like a phantom limb. Where you lose an arm or leg but still feel as though it is there. It may itch or hurt but when you try to relieve it,,, nothing. I feel a connection to someone by an invisible rope, always there, watching, tugging and when I try to reel it in there is nothing. It’s a strange feeling to wonder whose there. To get goosebumps in a warm bed, to have a single hair pulled with such tension and there is never an explanation.
I’ve always asked questions. I enjoy learning new things. I want to be the best I can be when I do things. I don’t enjoy ignorance. It is being so confused that it is like a calmness that entails my entire being. I am desperately missing someone I’ve never met. How can I explain that. To look into the passing eyes of strangers and know one day someone somewhere will complete me. Fill the void. To be someone’s purpose. That sounds really great. To find the one that understands me, doesn’t have to say anything and I am afraid of that understanding. To cross desire with fear of finding a soul like myself. Only you can break through these walls with only a look. I’m glad it’s snowing tonight, for it is a chance for me to be touched. By anything. For a lonely person it is desired.

Inside a mind

If I could feel this much pain just by reading what you wrote,
I wonder how much more there is as you turn those emotions into words
Your put your hands over your eyes to prevent the tears from falling,
You try to hold your breath just to keep your mouth from screaming.

Trying to hold the pen straight had never been this hard from you,
Yet you kept on writing whatever’s left of what you thought was true
Agony tied you in chains and you’re losing hope you could break free
Memories of what used to be haunt you in your sleep and in reality

If I could, I’d take away your sorrow and carry it on my shoulder,
The past you wish to forget, I’d be the one to painfully remember
When you feel the world has deserted you,just call out my name
I’ll be there in a flash trying to make you feel okay

If its space that you need I’d let you have it and just wait here
I ask nothing in return but hope that better you will feel
How do I unbreak and unshatter the pieces of your heart
Tell me what I can say or do to make everything alright.

Insomnia

My problem is that I think far too much. I over think, I worry, I stress, I remember stuff I should definitely put behind me. My mind has no turn off button at all. Sometimes this is good because I’m always looking for the next step forward, the next thing I have to do. Sometimes it’s super bad because I focus so much on things that went wrong, things I want to change, worrying about how things will pan out. I haven’t slept properly in at least 7 days because I just can’t shut off. I don’t know what’s up but my mind is obviously focused on something. I am mentally and physically exhausted 24/7. I wish I could say it should get better over the holidays but I have so much work to do that I know I’m gonna be just as stressed, only at home rather than here. I just really need to sleep and stay asleep for like a whole night. If I could manage that, just one night I think I’d be ok. Just a whole 8 hours without waking up every hour and then getting up in the morning and not feeling like I’ve even been to sleep. That would be really awesome.
Please turn off brain, just for one night?Life does not always turn out the way you want it too.I amount to nothing. I am not successful. Nor beautiful, inside or out. I do not have a purpose.That awkward moment when you realize how little you mean to anyone.We fall into this daily routine, this boring, repetitive routine. Events change our entire lives but the rest of the world keeps moving, no change. A part of me wants to enjoy the time I have and live it to the fullest, yet another part doesn’t understand why I should bother, why bother for anything because I don’t understand why it matters at all.