Muddled Mind

Truth be told I’m not alright
Privacy shows the pain I hide
Take off my makeup the scars collide
Breaking in two is just a matter of time

Days fly swiftly nights stand still
Sleep only comes with a handful of pills
Growing anticipation of hurdles in my path
Dragons free falling, bout to hit me with their wrath

Nothing but my empty hands
I bear no weapons here
Is it truth or is it lies
My sanity is unclear

To much time to wonder
When this raging storm will pass
Desperate girl puts on a smile
That only the mirror sees past

Rain

I love the rain
But only on my bad days
It gives me reason to stay inside
Reason to hide away
It’s cold on my skin
Like ice from the the sky
Stinging the nerves that once were dead
Now feel very alive
I love the rain
It washes the dirt off my hands
Reaches places I ignore
Crevices I’d like to forget
My hair is drenched
As I peel off my clothing
Puddles on the floor
Creating dirty laundry

I love the rain
It takes me away
I love the rain
But only on my bad days

Stuck in a fog

I want to go
Anywhere but here
Get away from this fog
I need the air to be clear
I need to find forgiveness
I need some room to breathe
I need resuscitation
Lift me off of my knees
My bones they are so brittle
My skin is shallow grey
My eyes don’t shine like they use to
My voice does nothing but break
A place where the sun shines daily
Where laughter always flows freely
Future is promising
People are inspiring
Thats what I need.

I say whats on my mind
I talk to much
Takes skill to win at life
No need for luck
I cry because I’m mad I’m not in pain
Always outside-hide it in the rain

I’ll help you survive
I’ll take your hand
Never let go and I understand
How you feel we are on the same page
I’ll take the night watch you can have the day
Abandoned is what you’ll never be
Alone is not a word you’ll learn to read
Scars will disappear you have my word
Never will you again feel insecure

That would be nice
Don’t you think
If this fog wasn’t so dense
And a place existed that made such sence

Lunch break

There’s a teardrop falling
Your name it is calling
Only empty echoes of the past
Your leaving you can’t turn back
I should be there but I can’t

Refuse to see you like this
Your standing at the abyss
So much left unsaid
We’ll meet up again when I’m dead
Unanswered prayers fall upon my head

Curse the ones that let you go
Erased my name from their vocabulary so-
They no more require an excuse
Give no reason for a different view
Helped tie the rope into a noose

Push the door closed, bound up and locked
Their memories faded, my gun is loaded and cocked

I stare at the emptiness I can see in my eyes
The reflection seems normal but it’s clearly a disguise

I want to touch something beautiful
Feel some warmth beneath my skin
But blackness clouds everything around me
Forgiveness un granted for all of my sins

My thoughts are fast
My pen is slow
Speaking in circles
Unable to show

I cannot stop it’s surely a disease
It weighs me down I can barely even breathe
Torn apart at the seams
my pretense you believe

Changing tides

There’s a space-been erased in my heart that’s hollow
Memories dissipate-can’t retrace or foresee tomorrow
Taken back to the days where our love never knew sorrow
Now your gone-slipped away-there’s no trail to follow

Fought to breathe-left for dead
Yesterday haunts me in my head
Giving up-letting go
Taking back promises I told

I’m almost cutting the rope
Not holding on to false hope
Insatiable is your hold
Can’t reword what’s already told

Incurable disease is eating away my soul
Distressed actions flow forth from what hasn’t been sold
Waiting, biding my time til I’m numb from the cold
Tearing apart the reasons that never were told
Kiss me with your lifeless lips
Let me enter in that void
Fallen off flesh-my hands are stained
Keep me here til I’m destroyed

Hold me down no room to breathe
Carve into my body I won’t scream
Tracks I lay upon and wait for the rattle
No second thoughts turning back now is futile
Empty hollow voids where my eyes use to be
Heightened sense of feeling with my fingers I can see
Parade of fools where are they going
Bound tightly to their cause
If they think that love’s the answer
When they lose it, they will starve
Come undone, forgive the wrongs
Put a crown upon your head
You wear it well, your chest swells
But your living in a cell
A prison without a key
Soon you’ll see- don’t laugh to loud
He’ll come to take your smile
Life’s not fair and you’ll be scared
When the reaper comes to tear
Your castle down
Don’t cry those tears in front of me
I told you all along
Put the words into a rhythm and sang them into a song
So now you want to hear me
Need some advice from me to you?
Then listen up-I’m saying it quick
Don’t blink twice or you will miss

Whispering echoes linger on my ear
His voice, his touch, I can get so very near
The air turns cold yet a fire burns in me
Knowing all that’s left is all there’ll ever be
I cut my hair I cut my arms
Wrap them up gotta hide the harm
Relinquish your claim
It’s dark inside here
I’m convulsing from this anger
I want to remember who I use to be
I need release to be set free
Please don’t be mad
I love you so
No love left for me, that debt I still owe

08/12/13

Return the light you stole from me
Remove the blindfold I cannot see
You left me here to walk alone
You destroyed the place I knew as home
Listened to my silence
knowing there was pain
Haunted every memory
seemed my loss was your gain
Has it been easy
to go off on your own
Was I replaceable
so easy to disown
You promised you’d never leave me
Actually believed I had nothing to fear
You pulled me from the treacherous currant
Just to watch me drown in my tears
You saved me from my own destruction
Emptied the bullets out of my gun
Then gave me over to a slower corruption
Sharpened the blades so they’d pour out my blood
I didn’t want to come here
Knew too well the price that I’d paid
The only thing standing when I lost all before
Was my body without a name
Couldn’t find in the mirror
Any sign I was here
Couldn’t find my way back to this world
Stuck somewhere between here and there
Ink still wet
Words held back
And though your voice is silenced
I can still hear your song
No longer in my arms
Last breath come and gone

Just one night

I want to see you tonight
Not in a dream or memory
I want to touch your body
Feel your skin one more time
And I don’t care if you use me
Throw me away in the morning
I can’t sleep
Your all i think about
There’s an emptiness inside
That only you can fill
I’m ashamed of what you turned me into
You left pieces out of place
No one understands the puzzle
Your perfection only,this pain can erase
Trespass upon my private soul
I let no one in I let no one know
Being alone is easy to do
When the only one I ever
Wanted was you
Stop my persuasions
Change for me not
What happened between us
Does not matter
I’ve accepted my lot
Intentionally unlocked
Please make this stop
Reason with this one track mind
Doing everything against the grind
Running towards the warning sign
I don’t care about anything right now
I just want you to tell me how
I can get to you
What’s left of you
Is there any part of you
That misses my body
Did you forget completely
Unwind my foolish desires
Shoot down my hopes like a disease
Tie up these unleashed raw emotions
Bury deep all of these needs

Silence Broken

Silence broken/ I can hear your voice
It’s just a whisper,yeah, only a little noise
Drivin me crazy/ You wake me from my sleep
Try to forget you,yet, your still in my dreams
Lift up eyes/ Where am I headed now?
Unfamiliar steps moving me backwards somehow
You will not leave/ so I pour you a drink
Time’s not the only thing your killing/tonight your victim is me
Pull me into the memories that would have come to pass
Take me further down the road we traveled/I’m starting to forget
Quench this thirst-even with your poison-you can put this all to rest
Give me something to believe in for I have nothing left
Your name flows easily off these twisted lips
Your beauty never faded/you hold me captive with your kiss
Desperately clinging to hope that isn’t real
Hiding behind my visions reach/the words I utter you steal
Fighting the need to hold you in my arms once more
Cannot break free your hold is evermore
Tearing out the pages from the book you wrote for me
One by one into the fire, I will set my own self free
Tormented in the shadow of the questions never asked
Put my will back on the shelf/where it’s been laying since you left

Poem in the dark

Is there a reason to hold on anymore?
Can there ever be something beyond all this pain?
My eyes have grown dim from the tears I hold in.
I push all aside. I don’t need this again.
I thought, just perhaps, there was beauty still waiting….
Until I began unwinding the noose.
Fire grew closer-I was breathing the fumes.
Seeing your face as you withered away.
I cannot do this.
No, not one single day.
No sleep for the weary.
No love that’s untouched.
By death’s cruel demise,
Caution is a must.
I let go of your memories,
For they only bring pain.
Making sense of this turmoil,
Emotionally, I am drained.
Blocked all your numbers,
I need not to see.
All the hurt you endure.
That’s all caused by me.
I started drifting, endlessly,
Even when I close my eyes.
Your stare haunts me.
Your memories still taunt me.
I want to speak;
To see if anyone is there.
To know if you can hear,
But my words become a puddle on the floor.
Drop by drop escaping my tired eyes,
I don’t know if I’m asleep or awake.
If I’m living or have died.
My heads on the ground.
The pain grows deeper.
My twisted way of thinking,
It is covered in black,
I can’t find my way back.
The birds have started singing.
So, I know I am not dreaming.
Another day to aimlessly travel;
Forging a life that is not my own.
No one knows.
I lie.
Hold tears inside,
No hero comes for me.
I must save myself.
But, I can hardly breathe.

07/23/13

Little girl you grew so quickly
Seems like things have changed soo much
From the dreams you wished that could be
From the innocence of love

Little child don’t you shed tears
For in you there was such hope
Although the storms are raging bitter
Your not quite at the end of your rope

Beautiful stranger I thought I knew you
For we use to share one mind
But somehow I guess I lost you
Sands run out, there’s no more time

Unbreakable spirit that you once had
Untouchable plans that never came through
So close to having it perfected
Until fate decided to spew

Despise not my foolish ambitions
I tried to hear your voice deep inside
Against my will you faded completely
I couldn’t keep you even if I had tried

But each day I look in the mirror
Hidden deep down inside of me
I see your reflection distinctly
Wish I knew how to set you free

Yet we are both still here
The time has not yet come for our demise
Though darkness is ever near
This too will pass it’s only a guise

When I lost him that’s when I lost me
I try to hide it from a world that doesn’t understand
Everything I knew and loved was taken away
A memory of a life that used to be planned

I speak quietly now in a whisper
My chest closes and it’s soo hard to breathe
Why can’t this feeling be fleeting?
Without bringing me to my knees?

To remain socially invisible
Only seen by eyes like my own
Reality gone living in illusions
Afraid nothing’s left unknown

My mind tramples my words as they come out
Changes the course of my fate
I thought I was done, decided to bow out
And I had even set a date

Cursing the sun that shows imperfections
Provides ammunition to fuel the desire
Remaining unhinged despite the deceptions
Blowing the smoke from my burning cigar

If you hear me, I’m calling, I’m begging
Suck this poison out of my brain
Your the one thing I still believe in
Please make it all go away

Frightened, alone, and abandoned
Curtains closing, my eyes growing dim
Underneath pretense, your merely a shadow
A reminder of what could have been

Take this burden from me
Faltering words won’t come at all
Convince me that there is someone
Waiting down there to cushion the fall

For every fragment that was dug out from me
And every wound with its blood pouring down
Torched my dreams and the ashes are dissipating
My last ragged breath produces no sound